hey mrs. morris!
one of my favorite blogs is this one: http://resolved2worship.xanga.com/ -( it is the Wednesday Nov. 30th post, so scroll down to it) I think you've seen it before? The lady was raised in California and she married a guy from Alabama who was raised in ATI. They have had some serious marriage struggles especially with his parents over the years. But she posted the following post recently. It made me so grateful for you (even though I'm not your daughter-in-law just yet ;) haha) because I feel like you have been what she wants to be with her boys. You've made me feel so welcome, accepted, and cared about, not guilty, shamed or resisted. You clearly love your son SO much, but you are letting him live his life and be a man. You trust God with him and don't emotionally manipulate him. That means so much to both of us and I wanted to thank you!
(this is from that blog site that was included in the e-mail she sent to me)
"Note to self for the future: when my boys are men, do not call them and treat them like they are still my little boys. It doesn't go over well with sons. (Or daughter-in-laws). Respect grown sons as if they are men, because they are. Respect them as if they are someone else's man, because they are.
Don't shame them, blame them, accuse them, manipulate or use emotion to control them. Don't use spiritual condemnation when they are not like I want them to be. This goes for now while they are not men too. It's not wrong to have desires for my sons, but if I let those desires become idols, and if I let those desires become more important then my son, I will not love them - I will drive them away. They can even be good desires. But the desires I have for my children can blind ME to the control I may have mastered to try to get them to be the way I dream or desire.
I must check my motives out. What are my desires for my children? Have I made these desires an idol? Are my desires for my children blinding me to sinful motives in my heart? (like ultimately do I want my children to turn out a certain way because if they don't, I will look bad? or it will tarnish the family 'image?') Even if I have good desires for my children, if I am so focused on trying to get them to become or fulfill my desires for them, I will drive them away with the spirit of control. They will feel the idolatry. They will want to flee it. And as grown men, they should.
Note to self: come back and read this when my boys leave home. Begin to prepare my heart now to release, let go, and love without expectation. Don't demand, expect, or idolize respect from them, but INSTEAD live and love them in such a way that honor is something they desire to give. Don't desire them to idolize me as their mother. They are not here for me! Not.one.bit. Be happy about, even rejoicing in the day that they move out from my authority and become men! Rejoice when I am to take the back seat, ur um, even get out of the car - and the car is filled with another woman, and their own family.
Point them to God not through many words, but through my releasing love, be a cheer leader that comes along side their marriage when the opportunity arrives and say, 'Yeah!' and 'I love you!' Period. With no attachment of manipulation to get them to fulfill my desire or dream for them. Not because my son has become the man I wanted him to become, but because I trust that God will and is a Father to Him and will make him the man he is to be. That will be glorious. That can be glorious now. Placing my sons into His hands. Rest. Peace. Trust. Release. Calm. Heart content. Heart yielded.God start with me. Show me how to parent for Your glory, not mine."
Well, I had no idea I was doing the right thing!!! And I am not sharing this to get praise, I am sharing it as a thought to my self, "plan not to plan".....hahha! AND i thought it would be a blessing to you all who have sons and who wants to have a PLAN!!!! hahhaa!!! I have never read a book about what to do when a son or daughter pursues a wife or husband and then when they get married. To be honest I have not thought too much about the logistics of it all! I guess the main parts I had thought of was I certainly desire them to pursue a godly woman, one that fears and trusts the Lord, that desires to be committed to death til they part, a woman that desires to be a wife and mother and that will love her husband with all her heart under the Lord! One that is creative and helpful to make their home hospitable and to use her own talents for the Lord as He gives opportunity and that is under her husbands guidance and counsel. And then of course when they get married I thought of ways I wanted to just be there for them as needed. Like to help with a baby, or in sickness as needed, to make memories in ways that would be a blessing to them. So these were just some general ideas I had thought of. When I got this little note from Kristen, I was relieved to know that they had evaluated and were very pleased with the interaction amongst us all. I told her that I did not do all she said with an intent of having the knowledge that all of it was the right thing to do, it really has just happened as it happened. I told her to be honest, I have literally not had the time to do a lot of calling, asking, being nosey so to speak with so many still here in the home, so I guess a good way to end up "doing the right" thing is have lots of other children to keep you busy and that way you wont be "stepping" in where you should not be. I have to admit, it has been a new season that we have entered in, Caleb went to MD May 14th, and has only been back like 3 times I think. I miss him terribly and I dont like the idea of "us" being apart especially during special occasions but its just life, life changes, moves on, children get older and they move to their own dreams and plans that God has for them. One of the greatest ways this transition of him not being in our home anymore has been easier on a momma's heart is, I love Kristen to pieces and am just so pleased and happy for both of them and how God has providentially brought them together!! I am so proud of Caleb, all the things he is learning and doing on his own as an adult man. He is his own man now! I know the parents still play a role in their lives, but now its counselor as needed and as requested. I told Kristen I hope I (we) can fulfill our roles respectively and to be gracious for the future because we will probably mess up and could be too nosey at times, but its all out of love, and we are also pioneers as how to do all this!! ha!! So I guess place a book mark on this little blog exert and save the info for your boys as they become men!! Like I said, I didn't know I was doing it right, but praise the Lord!!!
So tonight we are having Elijah's bd meal.......grilled burgers and a couple from church are joining us!! I did a very small dessert table, I couldnt resist!!! I know he is 21 but I just love doing special things for them!!! Sometimes, I just feel like I cant do one more thing and it just wears me out getting it all together and baking but once all done, it is rewarding and I am blessed to do it for them!! I am not 25 anymore!! yikes!! I have a bd coming up myself soon, I dont likey!!!
have a great rest of the day!!!!
here are a few pictures of the boy in MD during the Christmas season! Did I ever tell you, this guy LOVES Christmas!!! I think he and Kristen are having some wonderful memory making times!!! He got his own little tree in his little basement with the family he is renting from!
they are decorating together!!!
this one is at Kristens little place, all decorated up!!!
do you see the reindeer and sleigh, Caleb "crafted" that up!!!
What a wonderful season, being with those you love and those that are not here, they are in our hearts all the time!!! I love you, son and miss you but I know your with one you love and that makes my heart happy!!!