Thursday, January 31, 2008

Pray for baby Remy!!

Remember the little baby I mentioned a few posts back, Remy (about 4mo. old) She had the CAT scan and they still cannot determine alot about the tumor behind the eye. They are going to do surgery Thursday, 7th at 7:ooa.m. to get a biopsy. They will take it to the lab while she is sedated and if cancer they will try to remove it. If they are not able to get to the tumor whether cancerous or not the other option will be raditation. Please pray for this sweet young couple as they face the unknown. They have two other little boys and the oldest around 5 is very sad and concerned about his baby sister as he remembers Joel and his cancer. Thank you for taking these in Christ before the throne of our great God!!!!!


Monday, January 28, 2008

Shopping Day...

On Friday I set off for my shopping day, groceries, ect. for the home for the two week time frame. Prior to this I always make my menu and then make a list of all that is needed. It helps to not spend on things that are not nessecity to the meals. Our menu consists of easy preperation, try to be healthy and I try to include a new dish for variety. I guess since I go alone that these days are always tearful. One vivid memory I have of Joel is upon arriving from a grocery day as I am driving up Joel flings the door open and he is hanging out looking with the biggest smile and on that day I had bought him some new jeans, he was sooo excited. I make my rounds of Sams, Wal-Mart, Aldi's, Crest(a grocery store) all of my thrift stores and then I like to go in Kohl's. I wonder sometimes if people are trying to figure out why this lady's eyes are red. Just catching glimpses of items that I purchased for Joel, like organic juce, and then going to Kohl's where I purchased many of his "nighties" that he had in the hospital brings an overwhelming sense of reality...he's not here! I talk to to the Lord alot pouring out my groanings of just missing him. I told Terry that as I see the three parts of myself, the mind the will and the emotions, I can find some consolation in my mind with the Truth that the Lord has and is working his good pleasure and will out. With the "will" I can find somewhat of consolation in the fact that I can move forward with my will in the hope of seeing Joel in the future. It is the emotions that I cannot seem to get consolation....the longings, the tears that are shed, missing him so very much. I do not know if that makes sense but it just feels like a permanant disability that is there. Maybe that is just the way it is and will be. I am very open to hearing truth spoken to my heart, and many have encouraged me with scriptures and I am grateful for your input. Now do not be weary in well doing if you can give any insight. As for the shopping trip it went well in gathering the food that these big boys can eat. For example: about 25# of hamburger meat, two round steaks, two roasts, 10-12 # of butter, 40# potatoes, 10# chedder cheese, 4# slice chedder cheese, 4-6 dozen eggs plus what we use from our own. We are soon to get 30-40 eggs a day from our chickens and no more store bought!!!! three bags of oranges, two bags of apples, 4# of grapes, lots of lettuce, and then put on top of that can goods, pasta and just the regular staples ( plus usung a few of our own chickens in the freezer) I really do not have room to bring others, the van's floor space and seats are pretty much covered. It is a great blessing to look at these provisions and to open the books of rememberance in what the Lord has provided all these years! He has blessed us with our daily bread!!!

I heard someone say one time, "its the books you read and the people you meet," of how they might impact your life or how the Lord might use them and you. We have met more new people in this journey and it has been a blessing. This weekend we enjoyed two adventures, a ping-pong tournament at a sweet couples home and their little girl of around 10 months, Terry and the boys met Kevin through their work. We had a fun time and lots of laughs! The other adventure was fellowshipping with about 3 familes and shooting "skeets." (shooting a gun at these flying discs that a machine juts out) I did not do it but the rest of the crew did, except the small ones. Since all the guys like hunting and guns it was a real "thrill" for them. Anyway meeting these folks was very nice, and again fun and laughs. One of the feelings that I experience is a sense of guilt. That Joel is not here with the people he loved and having the fun and fellowship with our own family and others. I feel like he is missing out! It is so much a mind batttle... a battle with the "now" verses what he is really experiencing. May the Lord use these times of meeting and visiting new folks for His glory.

Now this is for moms and you ever have "moments?" Sometimes I have these short-lived moments of wanting things fixed and changed! I will have to say very, very quickly that Terry is very happy to do all these things that I think of, our delays tend to fall into the resource catagory. We live in a house that is 30 plus years old and there are some things that I would like to change\ re-do! Our home is really very condusive to our large family. The kitchen\dinnning\washroom is really the only thing I want to re-vamp! After I had my little "moment" the other day and some with dropped mouths saw my they left for work the bid me not to take the cabinets off the walls till they got back:) Terry knows all to well how he can leave in the morning and the walls be one color and on arriving at home they can be a new color and furniture back in place. I will have to say since our journey with Joel, it does help bring "things" into perspective and my moments are very short lived as opposed to maybe before Joel's sickness. Well....... after the little "moment" all is ok now, I can continue on with how things are and continue to pray for the Lord will grant what is needed in His time. Just wondering if times like this happen to you?

I guess as I look at this year 2008 it is the first year without Joel as he was with us a short time in 2007, I am trying to figure out what next....maybe just starting out with the simple, like trying to be consistent with school, seeking to walk in the spirit in my home with my own family. There are plenty more plans to add to the list, I think if I start out simple and see progress it will be more encouraging that doing a whole lot and not seeing results. May the Lord bless each mom and wife as you seek to minister to your children each day.

Grandparents are to arrive tomorrow, Terry's folks from the Houston area. Pop is all inclusive entertainment. He tells the children funny stories and he is sooo layed back! I think one of the things that I have been blessed by with Terry's dad is he is so generous. He gives exactly like the scripture says, hilariously! He gives without any grudge! Thanks POP for being such an example to the fact "its only money." Terrys mom loves to just be with her granchildren. Whether its a walk, a game or reading books, she LOVES it!!!! Thanks NaNa for being a great grandmother! There will be alot of "hootin and hollerin" going on, late nights, scrabble and lots of good medicine of a merry heart! Pray my heart will not quench the fun as I will probably think about my sweet little Joel:(

Thanks for listening to me ramble.....focus, focus focus, forward, forward, with the truth before me......I can do all things through Christ!
A friend sent me this quote, they recently have had a treasure go to heaven in her first trimester of pregnancy..... "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do what is best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." --- C.S. Lewis


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Happy 6th Birthday to Hosanna !

A "Rainbow Promise Party" was Hosanna's theme. We celebrated her 6th birthday and Joel's Happy Heaven Day thinking about God's promises to us. His promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us, His promise to deliver sinners from sin to those who call upon Him in faith, His promise of eternal life and to spend eternity with very special people that we miss. Hosanna's day started out know... DONUTS!!!!! Terry and the boys started work a little later so we could have her party in the morning. She opened her presents and was delighted to receive Playmobils, beads to make wonderful necklaces and braclets, a book, a bike (which I shouted through the house....."can you please not run over this one!") I also got Hosanna a special gift that had heart meaning to share with her, I found a "real braclet her size that had pretty blue beads on it with two silver beads that said "faith" and on the other one " love." I told her this was a braclet that was to help her remember her sweet brother Joel, and that the love bead would help her to know that God loves her and her family too, and the faith bead was to remind her that we are praying for her to put her faith in Jesus soon in her life, and that with faith and hope in the Lord to see Balley again. I also found a little 'Willow Tree' figurine of a little girl holding a balloon that said Birthday Girl. (I have started collecting these for special occasions as many were given in memory of Joel. I decided too, that on the day of Joel's going to be with the Lord I wanted to get something each year in memory of him, so I found a little boy 'Willow Tree' that is holding a balloon and it says "Hope." I let Josiah open that for Joel. I was so happy in my heart to find this as it reminds of what I have to look forward to with Joel. The morning went well as we celebrated with Hosanna. She and Josiah were occupied enjoying all the new gifts. In the evening after the guys got home we had her birthday meal of....GRILLED HAMBURGERS!!!! You might wonder why we have these so much.... these are not your ordinary hamburgers! The reason these hamburgers are sooooo good is because Bethany makes homemade wheat buns and uses flour that we have ground ourself! The only way these will be better is when we get our own beef in a few weeks. Hosanna also requested chips and cokes, shhhhhhh, keep that one quiet!!!! I decided to read the poem I wrote to Joel, and it brought tears as we gathered around together before our meal. Hosanna really had a happy day and I just wanted to make up from last year as she didn't have a "real" party because we were at the hospital. As for all the decorations, Bethany and Danielle made the rainbow on Monday out of poster board, and with the addition of a few clouds and balloons, it was very easy to get into the party atmosphere!

I made it through the day with the great grace of the Lord and my secret bag of M&M's :) You all once again came to our hearts and home with phone calls, e-mails, cards, and comments that were so encouraging and full of compassion, and some very sweet people even sent some flowers! Thank you does not seem enough, but it is with a very grateful heart I say "thank you" for walking with us on this journey. I woke up in the morning with my adrenalin going, looking at the clock on and off, thinking "he only has this much time left before he would leave mortality and put on immortality, before he would fly away from the end of the day I was soooo tired, I guess emotionally it wore me out! There were alot of tears, wonderings, wishings, and trying to "rest" in the Lord's will, but it was and is so often very hard. I read what someone wrote on their blog about how the first year you feel numb, the second year is reality, and the third year is better. I did'nt like the looks of that....this first year has been ever so hard, I cannot imagine the second being worse....I think I am just going to try to get through each day and trust the Lord for that great grace, and maybe I will break the statistics!!!!

I have read some scriptures that have been helpful to my heart. Ps.84:11-12 ...the Lord will give grace and glory... blessed is the man that trusteth in thee. I like those words "will give" and I am going to ever be looking for that! In Ps.84:6, Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools. I reallly liked the word picture that I saw in this.... I was encouraged that we "pass through the valley," and in thinking about people in the Old Testament, families, individuals traveling place to place and they dug wells, and then they moved on yet the well was there for the next ones that might come on that same path. I was just thinking how we passed through that valley and dug our well, filled it with our tears and now we will move on, leaving it for those that will come behind us, hoping that our well, what we have beeen through, our tears, our hearts that now knows pain in suffering a death, that we can comfort, help cry with, feel their pain will be a blessing to others. I do not like to think others will hav to go through what we have, but people we know or do not know will possibley walk behind us as we have walked behind those that were ahead of usand they dug their wells and left them for our family. May our well of tears bring glory to God and be a comfort to others!

I read in Mark 6:45-54 a while back and was reminded of it these last few days.... Jesus saw the disciples toiling in rowing for the wind was contrary to them, and how Jesus came to them in the fourth watch of the night, then at the end of the section, it says they came out of the ship and "knew him." That really blessed me that yes Jesus was with us in the darkest of our night, in our toiling and when the wind and storm was so great, yet the time came when they got off the boat and they knew him. That is my prayer, that I will know him more, understand him more. It seems like a big plan and me with such little faith.....but may it be so. Sometimes God's school of faith just seems too hard and I go 7 steps forward only to find I also go 10 back. One step, then another, then another and on and on, I think the key is just making sure I keep moving forward.

As I faced the day yesterday, I was asking God to do something special, I just needed something. I do not know if I was thinking something was suppose to happen big at around 4:30 or what, but at the end of the day I found myself somewhat disappointed. I finally started really thinking of all the "things" the Lord did do....of course all the people that shared in our day as I mentioned above, then I was wanting Josiah not to be sick on this day, as he did not feel good the day before, how the Lord has given a great comfort with the two dates of Joel's birthday and his date of death, He has blessed us with Josiah on the birthday date and it really is a comfort to have Hosanna's birthday on the day he died. The other blessing for me was, Terry and the boys usually do not get home early and they were not planning it, but they arrived around 4:20, I was blessed that we were all here together as we were all together at that time last year. So the Lord is so very compassionate.

We made it and it does seem like a load being lifted. I kind of feel like "what now?" I still feel physically tired, so maybe I just need to get rested up and then figure that question out later. I want you to truly know that you all have blessed me and have been such a source or strength!

Did you notice I typed all this in a rainbow? For the parties sake:) May the Lord send his Rainbow Promises into your heart today!!!!!


Wednesday, January 23, 2008


September 13, 2003-Janruary 23 2007


My little boy of 3 years, 4 months, and 10 days
Joel a twin a blessing in so many ways

Your big brown eyes, your pudgy cheeks
I miss you so, my heart just breaks

What fun and laughs and games you played
Dump trucks, tractors and sandcastles made

Brothers eight and sisters four
Our home so rich, not one bit poor

“Siah” your brother, your twin
Picnics and parties, your life from the begin

Sometimes crying and then giggles you brought
I loved the tiny voices that my ears often caught

Plans of playing inside and out
Kept us on our toes as your feet pattered about

Three summers, four winters you were here
Daddy’s little helper, with your heart full of cheer

Gardens and flowers were dug with your hands
Our dream, our desire for you to become a man

Your Father above, your Creator too
Has accomplished his will because he knew

Your days in our home have come and gone
Your memory is in our hearts will ever be so long

One day you will meet us at heavens gates
Our hands and our embraces you will take

Your journey so young bearing you to your Fathers throne
What a joy it will be as you welcome us home

My heart will be mended when I see your face
We will live together in that heavenly place

Sending our love to you today
We miss you, our Joel, see you soon....okay?

~From your Mommy

Thank you Lord, for Joel's life.......
Thank you for fearfully and wonderfully creating him.....
Thank you for a blessed twin pregnancy and amazing homebirth......
Thank you for the memories that we all have with Joel......
Thank you for his sweet voice and cute personality........
Thank you for three perfectly healthy, happy years......
Thank you for all the brothers and sisters that were before and after and hopefully more......
Thank you that you gave Joel an endurance in his sickness and trial
Thank you for all the people that held our hands in this journey.......
Thank you for your Presence........
Thank you for your grace when I did not think I could go on......
Thank you for giving grace to Joel and he did not suffer like so many others with NB.....
Thank you that he is safe in your care......
Thank you for the "Hope" that we will be together again....
Thank you that there is victory over death through the Cross and Resurrection........
Thank you that your Grace is greater than this pain and hurt in my heart......
Thank you that I can trust that you have and are accomplishing your will.......
Thank you for Jesus, it is because of Him that there is a list above......
Tears are being shed.....grace felt.......hope is before us......
Remember Joel's plea about all the pills and "pokey" things, he would say "I'm all done??" Now your all done, Balley!!!!!

Happy 6th Birthday to Hosanna today, we love you!!!!!! (I will post her BD tomorrow)

Monday, January 21, 2008

Wise Counsel.....

I found myself at"the hill of difficulty," seems I can just be walking along and I just sink, a wave of grief comes, things are not going how I anticipated. My family said that for several weeks I had been doing really well. When these "little" tests come, I can't seem to pass them. I started reading Pilgrims Progress and it is so clear that we are on a journey that is difficult, narrow, but advancing with hope to our REAL home. I want to learn what Evangalist told Christian "be not faithless, but believing," That one statement that I mentioned before is the crutch of this whole journey and answers how I must continue in the way.... I must travel trusting and asking God's wisdom instead of intellect and emotion which causes my mind great heaviness and then it sinks to my soul and that is where I was yesterday. So as my family rallied around me and I recieved some encouragement and very wise counsel from my almost 6 year old, Hosanna. Her most wise counsel was "mom, you just need to listen at church," and she told me "you need to be a HOT Christian!"And she said "mom, you still have us." Wow, how can I not continue with fortitude after that? Mercy also chimed in her "wuv uoooo, wuv uooooo!" Thank the Lord for family that can love and encourage as I keep on keeping on. Now what moves me to go on is the hope of seeing Joel again, hope of sharing with our younger ones about the Way to see their brother, hope of seeing the Lord.....I like what Christian said "Why, there I hope to see him alive that did hang dead on the cross; and there I hope to be rid of all those things that to this day are in me an annoyance to me there, they say, there is no death; and there I shall dwell with such company as I like best." On towards the end of the book, Christian and Hopeful came in sight of the gate, there was a river, but no bridge, they learned that they must "go through" or they could not come at the gate. So very true, we must go through all the Lord has in this journey. And this is what I really want to remember, Hopeful said to Christian, "These troubles and distresses that you go through in these waters are no sign that God hath forsaken you, but are sent to try you, whether you will call to mind that which heretofore you have recieved of his goodness, and live upon him in your distresses." May the Lord help my heart to say as Christian, "Oh I see him again," and he tells me, When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee." Then they both took courage, and the enemy was after as still as a stone, until they were gone over. So with the Lord's help and the support of my dear family, I continue on......with hope!

Hosanna is getting ready for her birthdy. She is counting the days. Josiah wants to know when his birthday is and of course he is sad that it is so long, but he informed me that he was going to be 5, a whole hand and that when he turned 5, I could not hold him anymore because he was going to be" working," cleaning the garage and vacuming the fireplace area with the wood stove:)
He is so cute in his little ways as I know you too just with wonder enjoy these priceless moments with you children. He had a little sack of "healthy cookies" and a water bottle and he plopped on the couch right where Terry sits and drinks his coffee and says " I am a big boy," as he is acting like his dad sitting there. He also told me as we were talking about "Balley" that he has better toys and he wondered how we were going to get our house there to live in, I told him that God is building us a mansion that will be so big and nice and that Mommy was praying for him that he would see his need for Jesus, so he can see "Balley" again. What treasures the Lord has blessed us with.

Our guest Danielle is back with us until Tuesday afternoon. All the little children are sooo happy she is back. Her and Bethany and Anna are enjoying the fellowship. Terry's folks are coming for a visit the 29th, so we are looking forward to that, and you know what that means.......Pizza and Blue Bell, NaNa's treat!
Remember last year on the 22nd (tomorrow) Joel moved his foot, I guess he was waving "so long, see you later." He was declared brain dead, and medically speaking THEY said he was dead.....I wonder how a dead person moves their foot:) It was a sweet blessing to us and is to my memory........
Thanks to all that have given a review on the DVD, you all are great. I haved moved the link to the side for those that have not and are willing to do that......thank you!!!!!!!

May the Lord bless your day!


Thursday, January 17, 2008

There is a river......

There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. Ps. 46:4

I have been hanging on to this verse for sometime, and as I read it again this week, it has soothed my heart. Maybe its the thought that only 6 more days with Joel this time last year. I feel like the wound has burst open again......but there is a river, and I just am trying to picture that river that comes from that Holy City, pure, fresh, giving life, hope, flowing freely to meet my wounded heart. I like to think about that city of God, where Joel resides, the holy place, where the Most High is. Such simple things have moved me to tears this week. Helping Josiah in the restroom and changing Mercy's diaper.....I guess the idea of taking care of their little bodies, how I can't take care of Joel's little body anymore. Remembering his little brown birthmark on his left shoulder, his frame always a little smaller than Josiah, his body that I bathed, dressed, touched, carressed and cared for......when I look at pictures of his sweet little hands and feet that we took, they were different than Josiah. I miss him! But there is a river......Joel is in that city of God, I have to keep moving forward to get to that city..... I guess I feel a little bit like a knot in my stomach as the day approaches and it is Hosanna's birthaday too. I know there will be grace for the time. This week I recieved a very touching letter from friends that recently saw Joel's Journey, it was encouraging and one statement seemed so profound to me, "the family is the greatest gift on earth God gives us apart from Himself. It's easy to see why our Heavenly Father wanted a family of his very own, and a Bride for his Son." I was just touched with the thought that the Lord granted Joel to be apart of his family in eternity.

We have had a guest in our home this week, Danielle(19) We met her through Joel's Journey and the Burnett's. Her mom died of brain cancer Jan. 5, 2007. She too knows sorrow. It has been a fun week and the littles have really enjoyed her, and they will be wondering when she is coming back as she has graciously been doing their chores:)

I have a special prayer request, remember Jeremy who cooked the delicious meal for us when the power was out, they have a new baby, about 4 months, a little girl, Remy. They have just found out she has a tumor behind her left eye. She has had a MRI and a CAT scan scheduled for Tuesday at 1:oo. Please pray for this young couple and their precious baby. I will keep you posted. They were so faithful to pray for us with Joel, I wanted to share this with you as we help carry each others burdens.

I would like to continue to ask if you are willing to give a review of Joel's Journey with the CBD (Christian Book Distr.) Thank you for those that have, your support has been so touching and we are grateful for your investing in our family in this way. Click Here.

It seems once you have entered the journey of suffering through a child's death, you come across so many more on the same journey.... so many little children that have left their mothers and fathers arms and have entered his kingdom, "suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. There are many that I am praying for that have battled this dreadful disease of cancer and lost.....but have really won. I had no idea before Joel's situation that so many are hurting. I guess our trial has opened my eyes to others and can now "feel" the pain with them. It is through much tribulation that we enter the kingdom and it is given unto us to suffer isn't it? May the Lord grant grace to these whose hearts are broken too.

I have said many times, we are so thankful for your encouraging words.....they continue to carry us through this trial. May the Lord recompense your reward from that "river" that never empties of its vast supply!


Monday, January 14, 2008

Joel's Journey Wins Again !!!!!!!

Joel's Journey won the "Best Oklahoma Documentary" in the 2008 Trail Dance Festival! Once again we are very grateful to the Lord for allowing this. Terry and the four oldest traveled to Duncan, OK for the awards ceremony Sunday evening. John-Clay has posted how the evening went on his blog with a few pictures if you would like to read it. Click here to visit his blog.

Josiah has a new friend, "Charlie Brown." A beautiful blue Beta fish. He is very excited about this new "finned friend."

Thank you for your prayers as we approach the one year anniversary for Joel. As I look at all the pictures we have around, it is still so shocking that all this has come and gone. Like I read from anothers sorrows, the way to Joel is to move forward. It is so hard to press on, I feel like I am leaving him behind. With the Lord's help, I am seeking to trust him with plans that I can not see at this time.

If you are willing, do not forget to give a review to the DVD on the post before this one with the CBD site.


Saturday, January 12, 2008

DVD Reviews

Happy Saturday!!!!!!! This is the first Saturday we have ALL been home in awhile!!!! Alot of work is going on around here. A major "eye sore" has been our chicken yard! The guys are building a new one....YEAH!!!!!! Those little mama's are going to be strutting big when they get out of their house.

If you have had the opportunity to watch Joel's Journey DVD, we would like to ask you to take a minute and give a review at the CBD. (Christian Book Distributor) This will help them determine how they might market the DVD and it might effect how many they order. Thank you for taking the time as it is our desire that the message of 'life' continue. It is very encouraging to see Joel's story go forth. Please CLICK HERE to write a review.

Josiah had a small injury on Friday. He was sittting on the edge of one of the chairs and he lost his balance, fell off and met the bricks with the top right of his forehead......screaming first then seeing blood (as head wounds bleed so horrible) we then compressed it to control the bleeding and he calmed down for us to take a look. A nice litttle gash, but after examining it I thought we could glue him back up. We let the bleeding slow and applied some super glue and a butterfly and he was good to go. It was sore yesterday but he's doing fine today. Let's see.... 8-10 head injuries over all, butterflies, stitches to staples. I think that is enough. Thank the Lord he has watched over all these "little" injuries.

May the Lord bless you day of Rest and Worship tomorrow!


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Zoo Day !

A "spring like day" plus free on Monday's......... that adds up to a trip to the OKC zoo with some friends. It was a fun day. Josiah liked the deer! Mercy was rambling when we got home about the "amules and the TIGERS!" The last time we went was March 06, I was about due with Mercy. Going back to places that I have been before with Joel and Josiah kind of takes my breath away. Just thinking about " we stood there, or Joel took a picture in this spot." I did see at least 3 sets of twins, so it was hard for brief moments.

I thought I might share what has been happening in my heart..... I think I have hit all the grief cycles; shock, depression, feeling like I do not want to go on, anger, not caring about anybody, and possibly some that do not have "titles." I do not know if those will all circle again at some point, but at this time for the first time in this journey, through much reading and praying, I am activley seeking to "not wrestle with the Lord." My plan of action is when that swells up within me, I seek to say within my heart, "I pray for your blessing." Maybe like Jacob wrestling, how he pleaded for the blessing. I have just been asking the Lord to reveal all that is in according to his will this side of eternity of all the purposes of this trial, and to give me eyes to see. I read this litttle phrase in a wonderful book on grieving over a child "From grief to Glory", by James Bruce
"Wisdom and trust, not intellect and emotion, are necessary if one would find true comfort and peace." The end of that phrase is what I have been experiencing, trying to figure it all out, and being swallowed up with the emotions. I know I am going to have emotions, but not to let them rise to the Lord in a way that points my finger and demands to know WHY. I know there are going to still be intense times of grieving, but I am just seeking to trust the Lord. Like many times I picture in my mind giving Joel to the Lord and letting him rest in the Fathers arms. This might all seem so unusual to one that has not experienced loss, but I would have never thought I would have some of the thoughts and wishes that I have had in this process. I think a word picture to describe it would be, I am on one crutch now and I see a small ray of sunshine. I am so hoping that this is a real work of the Lord and not just a "day or week thing." I like what Paul says in Phil1:19 I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through YOUR prayers and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. You have been apart of my deliverance and will continue to be. Thank you for "binding youself to me and our family" as we continue in the grieving process. I think another way of looking at is, I am seeking to accept this as the Lord's will for Joel's life of 3 years 4 months and 10 days.

Getting back to what's happening around here.... the Lord has provided several jobs after a break and we are grateful for answer to prayer. We are having our two steers butchered on the 16th. We are keeping one and have pre-sold the other 4 quarters, so we will be blessed with "some beef." Bethany is looking forward to some Nubian goats that will be shipped in from one of the top breeders. We are trying to get with it on schoolwork, but sometimes its a challenge. Terry planted some spinach, he might have to replant a little later, but its fun to try a little early anyway. Joel's Journey was selected in another film festival as a finalist, not a Christian festival like the Vision Forum, so we will let you know how it does. The award ceremony is this Sunday evening. Also we have 3 distributors carring the DVD now. The latest one is the CBD, Christian Book Distr. We are thankful that Joel's little life is going forth. I also had a small e-mail conversation with Terri Schiavo's sister and I am sending her one. Maybe it could be a tool for the fight for life in some way.

Well..... I think if I can make it through the rest of this month, I will feel like a load being lifted, the daily memories of what we were doing on these days, seem like a dream. As I looked back and read some of the journal enteries I was reminded of how many we had walking beside us holding our hands and hearts......... Thank you for being there then and now!

Your Lord may gather his roses whenever he pleases..... You are taught to know and adore His Sovereignty which He exercises over you, which yet is made radient with his mercy. The child hath but changed a bed in the garden, and is planted up higher, nearer the sun, where he shall thrive............ Samuel Rutherford


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Still in Rememberance.....

Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in rememberance...Lamentations 3:19-20

January 3, 2007...... a happy 3 year old with energy, laughs, hugs, affections in spite of the dreadful disease that was raging within his little body.........a little after midnight....... his smile, his hugs, his sweet voice, bright eyes.........all gone!!!!!! As I held him in my arms before the dark hour struck and he slipped into the sleep of a coma, his last words, "what's that beepin?" January 4, 2007....... non responsive, his eyes forever closed to this life, wires, machines, tubes........I will never forget...... I am without words, but not without pain!!!!

These are our last precious pictures of Joel at his farm that he loved so much......