Monday, January 28, 2008

Shopping Day...

On Friday I set off for my shopping day, groceries, ect. for the home for the two week time frame. Prior to this I always make my menu and then make a list of all that is needed. It helps to not spend on things that are not nessecity to the meals. Our menu consists of easy preperation, try to be healthy and I try to include a new dish for variety. I guess since I go alone that these days are always tearful. One vivid memory I have of Joel is upon arriving from a grocery day as I am driving up Joel flings the door open and he is hanging out looking with the biggest smile and on that day I had bought him some new jeans, he was sooo excited. I make my rounds of Sams, Wal-Mart, Aldi's, Crest(a grocery store) all of my thrift stores and then I like to go in Kohl's. I wonder sometimes if people are trying to figure out why this lady's eyes are red. Just catching glimpses of items that I purchased for Joel, like organic juce, and then going to Kohl's where I purchased many of his "nighties" that he had in the hospital brings an overwhelming sense of reality...he's not here! I talk to to the Lord alot pouring out my groanings of just missing him. I told Terry that as I see the three parts of myself, the mind the will and the emotions, I can find some consolation in my mind with the Truth that the Lord has and is working his good pleasure and will out. With the "will" I can find somewhat of consolation in the fact that I can move forward with my will in the hope of seeing Joel in the future. It is the emotions that I cannot seem to get consolation....the longings, the tears that are shed, missing him so very much. I do not know if that makes sense but it just feels like a permanant disability that is there. Maybe that is just the way it is and will be. I am very open to hearing truth spoken to my heart, and many have encouraged me with scriptures and I am grateful for your input. Now do not be weary in well doing if you can give any insight. As for the shopping trip it went well in gathering the food that these big boys can eat. For example: about 25# of hamburger meat, two round steaks, two roasts, 10-12 # of butter, 40# potatoes, 10# chedder cheese, 4# slice chedder cheese, 4-6 dozen eggs plus what we use from our own. We are soon to get 30-40 eggs a day from our chickens and no more store bought!!!! three bags of oranges, two bags of apples, 4# of grapes, lots of lettuce, and then put on top of that can goods, pasta and just the regular staples ( plus usung a few of our own chickens in the freezer) I really do not have room to bring others, the van's floor space and seats are pretty much covered. It is a great blessing to look at these provisions and to open the books of rememberance in what the Lord has provided all these years! He has blessed us with our daily bread!!!

I heard someone say one time, "its the books you read and the people you meet," of how they might impact your life or how the Lord might use them and you. We have met more new people in this journey and it has been a blessing. This weekend we enjoyed two adventures, a ping-pong tournament at a sweet couples home and their little girl of around 10 months, Terry and the boys met Kevin through their work. We had a fun time and lots of laughs! The other adventure was fellowshipping with about 3 familes and shooting "skeets." (shooting a gun at these flying discs that a machine juts out) I did not do it but the rest of the crew did, except the small ones. Since all the guys like hunting and guns it was a real "thrill" for them. Anyway meeting these folks was very nice, and again fun and laughs. One of the feelings that I experience is a sense of guilt. That Joel is not here with the people he loved and having the fun and fellowship with our own family and others. I feel like he is missing out! It is so much a mind batttle... a battle with the "now" verses what he is really experiencing. May the Lord use these times of meeting and visiting new folks for His glory.

Now this is for moms and you ever have "moments?" Sometimes I have these short-lived moments of wanting things fixed and changed! I will have to say very, very quickly that Terry is very happy to do all these things that I think of, our delays tend to fall into the resource catagory. We live in a house that is 30 plus years old and there are some things that I would like to change\ re-do! Our home is really very condusive to our large family. The kitchen\dinnning\washroom is really the only thing I want to re-vamp! After I had my little "moment" the other day and some with dropped mouths saw my they left for work the bid me not to take the cabinets off the walls till they got back:) Terry knows all to well how he can leave in the morning and the walls be one color and on arriving at home they can be a new color and furniture back in place. I will have to say since our journey with Joel, it does help bring "things" into perspective and my moments are very short lived as opposed to maybe before Joel's sickness. Well....... after the little "moment" all is ok now, I can continue on with how things are and continue to pray for the Lord will grant what is needed in His time. Just wondering if times like this happen to you?

I guess as I look at this year 2008 it is the first year without Joel as he was with us a short time in 2007, I am trying to figure out what next....maybe just starting out with the simple, like trying to be consistent with school, seeking to walk in the spirit in my home with my own family. There are plenty more plans to add to the list, I think if I start out simple and see progress it will be more encouraging that doing a whole lot and not seeing results. May the Lord bless each mom and wife as you seek to minister to your children each day.

Grandparents are to arrive tomorrow, Terry's folks from the Houston area. Pop is all inclusive entertainment. He tells the children funny stories and he is sooo layed back! I think one of the things that I have been blessed by with Terry's dad is he is so generous. He gives exactly like the scripture says, hilariously! He gives without any grudge! Thanks POP for being such an example to the fact "its only money." Terrys mom loves to just be with her granchildren. Whether its a walk, a game or reading books, she LOVES it!!!! Thanks NaNa for being a great grandmother! There will be alot of "hootin and hollerin" going on, late nights, scrabble and lots of good medicine of a merry heart! Pray my heart will not quench the fun as I will probably think about my sweet little Joel:(

Thanks for listening to me ramble.....focus, focus focus, forward, forward, with the truth before me......I can do all things through Christ!
A friend sent me this quote, they recently have had a treasure go to heaven in her first trimester of pregnancy..... "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do what is best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." --- C.S. Lewis



John-Clay said...

I really like the quote you put at the end! Very true! -JC

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for quite some time now. I can not even begin to tell you how much I love reading it as often as you post. There are so many things I would love to say, but I am afraid it would take all day.
I am so sorry for your loss, both with Joel and the miscarriage. My heart aches for you and I will continue to pray for you and your family. I think you are a wonderful woman and I would consider it an honor to ever be able to meet you. Thank you for posting so often. I look at your blog daily to see what wonderful things the Lord is doing in your life.
Thank you,
A wife, mother of 4 (soon to be 5) from Kansas

Anonymous said...

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost" Romans 15:13