Maybe it's because im older now and there's so much to look back on in my life and say what the hell happen. I don't even remember having dreams to do and be and go when I was a child/a kid/ a teen. I just did life. I did bad things in life. I have a life time of regret. I fully know when I became a new creature in Christ at age 20, I was forgiven but the hardest part is dealing with the mind and memories and choices and not being able to erase scenes imprinted from life choices. The first time I smoked a cigarette behind my aunts house at age 7-8 was truly my first in the sense downfall. Then it went to lies and stealing and then to teen choices of choosing to end the life of my baby at age 16, that I had know idea even mattered because my conscious was so seared with sin. Facing this everyday and wondering who he or she could have been. Continuing with teen choices of habitual sin against my parents and rebelling in ways too dreadful to mention. Finding out I was adopted and always wondering who am I and where did i come from. Living 22 years without a nurturing mom and having a daughter/ mother relationship. Marrying not because you were madly in love but because you were afraid you would never meet anyone as good as this one and yet i do know that I am committed for life to him. Wondering why I never had dreams and hopes and desires as a child and longed to see them fulfilled. Why did God even create me? Being 53 and trying to figure out life after all these years is, well, I don't even know. Having a child die mixed in with all the above mentioned makes me not to want to even exsist at times. But I battle the depression that weighs heavily so many days I wake up because of my kids. They are my life and i don't want them to experience what I have. I want them to have hope and write dreams down and look forward to fairy tale marriages and travel and see the world and fulfill their longings with good gifts of the earth and find Jesus and love him all their days and find their purpose in life and live a life with no regrets. I see all the things my children are pursuing and dreaming and wanting to do and passions they have for their futures and it makes me so happy and I when I was young I had no idea or thoughts of any of that except for living a sinful rebellious life. Im so thankful God has spared my kids and they have different lives than me. One of my greatest joys is seeing them live wonderful beautiful lives. Thanks for always coming back here to read and catch up. Pray for me if I ever come to your mind. I wish I could do all the things now I didn't get to back then. Somehow, I want to make up for loss time and make my life count and be a better steward of life and see if any dreams I have could come true. If not, no worries, God is good!