Trying to do some special things all week with Hosie as we approach her birthday and the day Joel died. Nine years ago, I was in living hell! Waiting, waiting, watching your child die. It's still so hard and deeply grievous. Grief never leaves. I have little envelopes of fun things we are doing/going each day. It's basically to help my heart!
There's many areas a person can grieve in or about. A loss of any kind can take you through grief. I have mentioned at times, our financial journey and situation. The last month Terry has been working the salesman job of selling office supplies under a total commission based income. Which is hard when you work 40 plus hours and make $180 the whole week. This week terry had an interview with a possible manager job here in Guthrie. He would be an office manager of medical sells. It would be a salary job. And it would be 15 minutes from home. So two positives. Last November is when things went really south in the finances. At that time we basically did a skeleton/survival budget. So you could say we trimmed it down to bare nothings. Now, with this possible new job, with the salary pay it would be, we would have to cut the budget even more than last year. It's seriously like another grieving journey except a different area. It's a loss. I was so hoping this year would be better in this area, but it's worse. A loss of moving forward. A loss of hoping and dreaming as we are now 53 years old, that we could do things, go places. I know life isn't about money and going and doing, but I guess it just feels like the air has been let out of the balloon of what I thought the latter part of my life would look like. Basically, one of my few joys is cooking and preparing food and doing things for the house and making it a place of comfort and rest and to think this last year I have done that with minimal income and then to think I have to tackle it again this coming year with even less is heart wrenching. As I look back on what I did do this last year, it was a lot. So for that I am grateful. I'm so hoping my ironing job will continue as right now the wedding season is off so no ironing at this time, but at least if I have that little bit, it will help me not to go crazy! All I can say is 'oh well' life goes on, it will all work out, I made it through last year, I can do it again.' And believe me, I read and KNOW people have worse situations, I get that, I guess sometimes i hope for things in my mind that aren't possible. God will see me through. I'm on the down swing now! Ha!!
Thanks for he prayers and encouragement!!