Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Zoo Day !

A "spring like day" plus free on Monday's......... that adds up to a trip to the OKC zoo with some friends. It was a fun day. Josiah liked the deer! Mercy was rambling when we got home about the "amules and the TIGERS!" The last time we went was March 06, I was about due with Mercy. Going back to places that I have been before with Joel and Josiah kind of takes my breath away. Just thinking about " we stood there, or Joel took a picture in this spot." I did see at least 3 sets of twins, so it was hard for brief moments.

I thought I might share what has been happening in my heart..... I think I have hit all the grief cycles; shock, depression, feeling like I do not want to go on, anger, not caring about anybody, and possibly some that do not have "titles." I do not know if those will all circle again at some point, but at this time for the first time in this journey, through much reading and praying, I am activley seeking to "not wrestle with the Lord." My plan of action is when that swells up within me, I seek to say within my heart, "I pray for your blessing." Maybe like Jacob wrestling, how he pleaded for the blessing. I have just been asking the Lord to reveal all that is in according to his will this side of eternity of all the purposes of this trial, and to give me eyes to see. I read this litttle phrase in a wonderful book on grieving over a child "From grief to Glory", by James Bruce
"Wisdom and trust, not intellect and emotion, are necessary if one would find true comfort and peace." The end of that phrase is what I have been experiencing, trying to figure it all out, and being swallowed up with the emotions. I know I am going to have emotions, but not to let them rise to the Lord in a way that points my finger and demands to know WHY. I know there are going to still be intense times of grieving, but I am just seeking to trust the Lord. Like many times I picture in my mind giving Joel to the Lord and letting him rest in the Fathers arms. This might all seem so unusual to one that has not experienced loss, but I would have never thought I would have some of the thoughts and wishes that I have had in this process. I think a word picture to describe it would be, I am on one crutch now and I see a small ray of sunshine. I am so hoping that this is a real work of the Lord and not just a "day or week thing." I like what Paul says in Phil1:19 I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through YOUR prayers and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ. You have been apart of my deliverance and will continue to be. Thank you for "binding youself to me and our family" as we continue in the grieving process. I think another way of looking at is, I am seeking to accept this as the Lord's will for Joel's life of 3 years 4 months and 10 days.

Getting back to what's happening around here.... the Lord has provided several jobs after a break and we are grateful for answer to prayer. We are having our two steers butchered on the 16th. We are keeping one and have pre-sold the other 4 quarters, so we will be blessed with "some beef." Bethany is looking forward to some Nubian goats that will be shipped in from one of the top breeders. We are trying to get with it on schoolwork, but sometimes its a challenge. Terry planted some spinach, he might have to replant a little later, but its fun to try a little early anyway. Joel's Journey was selected in another film festival as a finalist, not a Christian festival like the Vision Forum, so we will let you know how it does. The award ceremony is this Sunday evening. Also we have 3 distributors carring the DVD now. The latest one is the CBD, Christian Book Distr. We are thankful that Joel's little life is going forth. I also had a small e-mail conversation with Terri Schiavo's sister and I am sending her one. Maybe it could be a tool for the fight for life in some way.

Well..... I think if I can make it through the rest of this month, I will feel like a load being lifted, the daily memories of what we were doing on these days, seem like a dream. As I looked back and read some of the journal enteries I was reminded of how many we had walking beside us holding our hands and hearts......... Thank you for being there then and now!

Your Lord may gather his roses whenever he pleases..... You are taught to know and adore His Sovereignty which He exercises over you, which yet is made radient with his mercy. The child hath but changed a bed in the garden, and is planted up higher, nearer the sun, where he shall thrive............ Samuel Rutherford



Emma R. said...

Glad to see you guys went to the zoo, I love it there. I have a friend who works there. I think everyone has had their kids pics taken on the back of those gorilla statues! I haven't taken my girls yet, its hard to get Emma out for that long, but if its free on Mondays we might have to try that. With your big group, I bet free is always better too! :-) God Bless you all and thanks so much for continuing this blog and allowing us to follow your wonderful family

Lori (Emma's Mom)

Jessica said...

Dear Cindy,

We watched Joel's Journey several weeks ago and I have been reading your blog ever since. May I just say that I thank you for your transparency in sharing your heart with us... it is surely a ministry to so many. We have not experienced such a loss in our family, but if the Lord should ever call us to walk through a similar dark valley, I will remember your example. So, again, I say "thank you, Cindy" for sharing the journey of a Mother's grieving heart.

Danielle said...

Mrs. Morris,

This is my second time back to this post. I read it earlier and didnt want to comment, but havent stopped thinking about what you wrote. So, here goes.

I know it always seems like I relate your story to my Moms and I know it's different, and probably much harder for you but I want to try encouraging you some.

The hardest month for m family was also January. And well, since my Mom died, I've pretty much gone each day, KNOWING it would be tough, if that makes sense. And I just expected it. I almost looked to the negative instead of the positive. I figured January 5th would be the worst day for me, but actually the Lord gave me and my family such strength to get through that day. I prepared for something that would be horrible and He actually made it a good day! Glory be to God!

Since the one year "anniversary" for my Mom's death, it's almost felt like a burdens been lifted. I dont know if that makes sense, but I have MORE of a peace about it. I know what to expect on holidays and I know now I CAN make it through without my Mom. I wasnt so sure this past year though. But with the Lord, I can. :)

I hope this can someway be encouraging to you. Wow, this probably should have been an email instead of a comment, you can delete it if you'd like. :) It's pretty long.

Much love,