Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Because I am mortal, because I miss him, because its these months in 06 that we were burdened with his beginning symptoms, because we are separated, because there is a hole bigger than words, because I see his pictures daily, because I am his mommy, I still ask "why?" But the question is asked a bit differently now. At first, the first year for sure it was with a fist and with a scream in my heart. Now, it is a question with tears but with a peace in my heart. As in Job, how can we contend with the Lord? Now when I ask "why" I hear him say, be still and know that I am God, I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in faithfulness has afflicted me, But though he causes grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. Any parent would desire all the "why's" of a trial and in our lifetime He might possibly "show" us some answers to our why's, but I read a verse yesterday. In John 6, the fainthearted disciples, continue to to seek the "why's" the show of miracles, looking for the meat in this life, looking for signs. Jesus answers in v. 29, "and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom hath sent me." So it not all about what we will see after a trial, the results manifested to our eyes, the signs and the tangible. Sometimes we might feel like after a trial, "whew, I am through it, it cost me, now what am I going to get back from it?" I felt like the Lord was saying to me in this verse was, the very "work, " of God is that I believe, I trust, I have faith in Him. It was not a work to receive something tangible but a "work," a trial for my very faith. Faith is the essence of a Christian's life, without faith we can not please God. God wants us to believe him more and more, to really, really know Him intimately. So how does ones faith get bigger, grow? It does not grow by comfortableness. Our faith grows by hearing the Word. How do we hear it? By reading, hearing it taught. What would drive us to read and devour it desperately? A trial, a difficulty. So the very work, the very trial, the very undesirable death of a child, it is a work of God to bring us to a greater, a more intimate place with the Lord. Its a means to bring us to believe, have faith, and trust! So it is with this verse I seek to "believe" have faith in his person, his plan, his wisdom, the integrity of his heart that this is for my faith (my good) and for His glory!

Well, today we are cleaning house, doing a little school, and tonight we are having a "Pioneer Meal." Soup!!! Anna is taking family pictures of the Burnett family at a park, so I needed to fix our dinner before we leave. Caleb, Daniel and Bethany have the opportunity to participate in the orchestra at the B's church for their Christmas Cantata on Dec. 13th, so they are going to practice tonight. I am getting antsy and ready to put out our decorations, but I guess I will hold out a bit longer.

Need to go do "my" Wed. chores..........


Karen said...

Thank you for the comment you left on my post. I went back and read where Jesus asked John to follow Him. I know that is what He wants me to do. The valley seems so long and so deep that it frightens me. I think about all the things I have to look forward to (or not look forward to...first birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving) and I want to just crawl in a hole. But Jesus asks me to "follow Him." He will "lead the blind by ways they have not known..." Isaiah 42:16. So, I must trust in Him and that is the faith you are describing in your post. I am trying to follow Him, but now I have a"limp."

Teena said...

Thank you. The "why" of it all can really bring us down. I am speaking for myself. I thank you for your wisdom, words, & prayers.

I keep thinking I will write you a long email...but time gets away from me.

I have been thinking about my Christmas decorations...and activities.


Nikki said...

Just today I was rethinking the "why's" of all of this. I'm not sure I'm to the peace point yet that you describe but I know that slowly the angry, screaming with a fist part of it is slowly subsiding. I think maybe I am reaching a peaceful sadness that oneday will transition into just God given joyfilled peace. Everything concerning Aubrey is still so painful. And I remembered when you miscarried but knew none of the details. You do not know just how much it comforted my heart to read about your experience and how long it lasted. Despite the length of time this is taking for me it just reassures the weary heart that it will indeed come to an end.

Thank you for this post. As I contemplate the why's of the last few months I have come to realize how imperative it is to focus on the work He is doing within me and how my life will be changed for His glory from these moments forward. But it is definitely still a mental exercise of choosing to look farther since I still tend to get stuck in the self pity of the "why me?" Thank you for this.

Katie said...

Cindy ~ I was thinking of you just this afternoon. Much love and blessings to you today. You are precious!

Teena said...

Stopping by peeking in... Wondering.

Praying for you. May God give you His strength TODAY and comfort you...hugs.