Tuesday, January 3, 2012

a suitcase.....

Favorite book, a monkey, play-do, a horse, oh and don't forget the tooth brush, it was a new one and a high priority and why a "pink blanket" called a "danky?" Just because!!! It went everywhere!!

What were you doing 5 years ago? I was helping a 3 year old choose what he wanted to put in his suitcase! I can remember his excitement as he sat on the edge of my bed, making sure I tucked all his treasures in it. All the things he thought he needed for a supposedly short hospital stay. With cowboy boots on that were only 2 weeks new, a last minute shoot of a BB gun, good-by's and hugs, never dreaming this would be the last time for him to see his little farm.........

Arrived, settled, chemo, playing, eating pizza, showing off to the nurse, drawing, pay-do, family and friends visit......then about the midnight hour, our night stayed night.

Several years passed until the "night" started to become a day again. Now, 5 years have passed, I can finally see past the night. I am stronger as not to crumble at every turn of a 3 yo or another set of twin boys, or a half empty swing set, or one dump tuck parked in the sandbox, or "like" clothes packed in a clear box staring at me {of whom his twin has the other ones on} when I open the closet, or stuffed animals crammed and tucked away for a reason I hoped would happen.....but never did and will not......him coming back.

A lot has changed, alot has not! The most important thing has not changed......God!

 I do not normally read in Ezekiel! Who does??? But I have absolute confidence that I was spose to. So I could once again be reminded of God and that His plans are purposeful in the dark nights that we journey on in this life.

Ezekiel 47

Then brought he me out of the way of the gate northward, and led me about the way without unto the utter gate by the way that looked eastward; and, behold, there ran out waters on the right side.

And when the man that had the line in his hand went forth eastward, he measured a thousand cubits, and he brought me through the waters; the waters were to the ankles.

...... again he measured  a thousand, and brought me through; the waters were to the loins

Afterward he measured a thousand; and it was a river that I could not pass over: for the waters were risen, waters to swim in, a river that could not be passed over.

We are led about, and its the "right" way! It seems like at times we are "drug" about by the "wrong" way. Its all measured out, the line is drawn as if not too much, not too little. Sometimes we are given an ankle portion, sometimes we go on to get a bigger portion of trials, up to the loins. But either way, its all measured and it will not be too much. But then sometimes we are given what seems like one that's just impossible to live through, pass through or endure. The waters/trial is risen or is deep, we can not pass over it, we must go through it and we must swim! We must exert, struggle, cry for help, kick, scream, exhaust ourselves so we wont drown. I did that. I did it physically so my body would feel better,I did it spiritually and the result has been that I "see" in a way I did not before. I poured myself in to the Word and God gave me truth. Truth about Him, about the trial, about faith, about hope. The next portion of scripture in this chapter gives some results from the picture that has been painted in the above verses.

 Now when I had returned, behold, a the bank of the river were very many trees on the one side and on the other. Then he said unto me, These waters issue out toward the east country,  and go down into the dessert, and go in to the sea: which being brought forth into the sea, the waters shall be healed.

You see we have a river and to the one on the west side of it looking Eastward, the one having to "swim" through it, it looks rough and hard. But if you are on the East side and gazing out to the east, you see the river that has just caused someone to have a difficult journey is actually flowing, going places. I was on the west side but now I am on the east side looking Eastward. If you look along the banks, there are many trees on both sides. They are flourishing, living because of the water that to one seem like a storm, and it was but now the water is going forth where the lines are drawn out for it to flow, through desserts and finally emptying out in the sea.

And it shall come to pass, that every thing that liveth, which moveth, whithsoever the rivers shall come, shall live........and everything shall live whither the river cometh.

The [river] storm is touching much along its path. To one who is in it swimmming, it seems like its destroying. But once your on the East side you can see many purposeful things the river is accomplishing.....it is giving life.

v. 10, the river is providing a place for some to fish and therefore give them meat. v. 12, along the banks the trees are bringing forth fruit and its all because of this same river that began as a storm but now it is flowing forth with much purpose. I love the part in this verse that says, the fruit will not be consumed, it shall bring forth new fruit according to his months. Even after 5 years, I believe God is still purposeful with "the river" in our life. In the beginning it seemed a storm, now I see it as a river......giving life!

......because their waters they issued out of the sanctuary

 Oh, how this is the bedrock!! It has ALL come from the sanctuary. The beautiful place of God. The storm, the water, the trial, the almost drowning.....it is flowing beautifully from His sanctuary

v. 12 ......and the fruit therefore shall be for meat and the leaf for medicine.

 Praise God, our trial, your trial is not a waste!

I have had it in the house for these 5 years, I have opened it a couple of times to touch, to smell. He is not coming back to get it, he doesn't need it anymore.

I'm putting it in the attic now........



Cindy & Rich said...

An absolutley beautiful post. I love knowing that the trials of this world are only there to make us stronger. The 29th of December marked my niece's victory over Neuroblastoma. Praise the Lord she and Joel are healed.

Marie said...

Oh Cindy....how my heart aches for you and your family. I simply cannot imagine going through what you all have. What a beautiful post...thank you for sharing. God Bless you :)

The Farmgirl said...

What a beautiful post Cindy. It brought tears to my eyes to hear of all you've been through, but the real beauty of it is how God has, is and will continue to be your source of strength and how you continue to worship Him through it all. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Daniel and Jaynee Lockwood and Family said...

This is the best, most precious, true post I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing those wonderful words of life. I love you, Cindy!

Ruth said...

Thank you for sharing your faith, your heart and your pictures!

Nikki @ Saving For A Rainy Day said...

Bless you and your precious brood,Cindy. I can't imagine what that does to a Mama's heart.

janicerichard04 said...

Your posting on this 5 year mark was most powerful and beautifully written. I can only imagine what might have been packed in your suitcase Cindy .... faith, anger, hope, despair and most of all ... and hidden amongst it all ... God's love. Blessings to you all.

Lesli Westfall said...

I'm overcome with emotion, an absolutely beautiful post from a beautiful heart. You're a bedrock for many who travel the road of grief, in whatever form that it appears; death of a child, a parent, infertility or even the death of a dream. *THANK YOU* for being who you are; genuine, faith-filled and loving.

I love you, my sister,

Teena said...

oh, Cindy, I sat here and cried as I looked at his little suitcase. As I read your word... my heart hurts with you. I do remember. 5 yrs ago.... I remember before that... when you would share.. and we would pray.

YOU have been a testimony to God's grace, strength and faithfulness. You continued to trust... even in the most difficult. I can't imagine...

6 months after Joel I lost my Dad unexpectly. I kept thinking I have to share with Cindy... but how can I? I had my dad for over 80 yrs... how can I go to her with this? But I did and you prayed for me, comforted me... loved me.

I thank you... thank you for loving well. I am encouraged by your faith, family and allowing us to peek in.

Much love,