Tuesday, January 19, 2010

to me....for you

In 4 days it will be three years since Joel was here with us and then he was not....... that Jan. 23rd 2007, about 4:30 in the afternoon. It has been the most trying days of my faith for sure. It has been trying on many areas, motherhood, wifehood and trying to resume back into life itself. In the first year so many emotions to deal with, wonderings, anger, frustrations as "why," trying to find God in the midst of it all. Thankfully He did not desert me as I oft Him. The second year was more "real" that Joel was gone from us for now and the tears were by the gallons. In completing this third year, it has been a year of experiencing the "dispensation of God's grace. Eph 3:2, If ye have heard of the dispensation of the grace of God which is given me to you- ward. Dispensation means, distributed, given out, an appointment or arrangement. I have literally "felt" His grace. He has given so many encouraging truths from the scriptures that even now I cling to as if my very breath. You see he has given out, distributed what is needed and will be needed to continue this journey until I see Joel again. It is interesting that Paul, the writer of many of the epistles classifies himself as a prisoner, and also a minister. Paul experienced great afflictions and sufferings, he was a prisoner of such and no doubt he used his appointed title of "minister" to further the grace, the gospel, to encourage the churches, the people in the churches, that fainthearted, the troubled and weary. I know this trial has purpose. I can not say I see it all by any means. I see glimpses. I read a verse this morning that gave me one of those "glimpses." Colossians 1:25, Whereof I am made a minister, according to the dispensation of God which is given to me for you, to fulfil the word of God. That phrase that says "which is given to me for you" is what struck me. First let me say if any body needs his work and grace and molding it is me!!! But also in the bigger picture God uses us, brings trials to us but its for others, like it says there, it is given to me for you. I can't say right off the heart that I am fired up about having my son die and its not necessarily for me in a sense but for you and others. I can't say that I feel like I have gained when I feel like I have lost but in God's bigger plan He might be using Joel's life for you. I do not like the idea of being given to me a trial, for you. As I see truths like this his grace is dispensed to my heart to believe Him and trust Him and looking and hoping to the "unseen." I cannot grasp His Wisdom nor all the "why's but one thing I do, is believe that His plan is absolutely, divinely and infinitely right! When my emotions become like billows his grace is soon dispensed. When I think I have cried all the tears possible his grace is dispensed. So sometimes we become prisoners, prisoners of grief, that we can become ministers of the dispensation of grace like Paul. I am far from a Paul but at least there is a hope of what God can do through this trial even if it is for others, for you. May the Lord's will continue to be done!!

school day 2 of getting back with it- went well!
guys are working- thats good!
cloudy outside- I know in faith there are blue skies up there!
Planning Hosie's BD and Joel's heaven day Sat.- gotta go to the store!
dinner- I do not know yet!
provision today?- sold a goat and cd's!
people wanting computer- I am not through yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why no pictures??- its so cold and wet and dead lookin' outside!!!!!!!!!
people wanting us to come to their church- contacts being made....thankful!!!!!!
got a western shower curtain for girls bathroom- cost $70......ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!
sitting at computer with my BIG coat on- going to get coffee NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See ya...............

Here are some kind folks giving some more CD feedback, we are blessed, thank you!!!!

"Dick and I bought your CD from your grandparents here at Center Fork on Sunday Night. We went home and listened to it and were so blessed by your music and the talents your have been given and the fact that you use them for Him.It’s beautiful and we look forward to more of your music in the future. I noticed that there’s lots of talent in your family. The CD artwork and web design are so very well done.May God bless your efforts. I especially like, “Seems Like Yesterday” what a powerful message it has. My sister died in December and the song is a reminder that ‘it won’t be long’ till I’ll see her and all those loved ones again but most of all that I’ll see the One who made it all possible all of us. "

Love and prayers for you

Don't forget........your CD!!!!!!!!!!!


Mountain Mama said...

Praying for you in Utah, my sweet friend!

Chad and Jessica's Family said...

The Lord is so faithful to give the right scripture at the right time for you. Thanks for sharing..... I know Joel's heaven day is arriving and I pray that God's grace and peace is upon you. I can imagine Joel there sitting with Jesus remembering and missing his family, sweet boy, sweet Jesus. Have a wonderful party!!


Misti C said...

Had fun playing volleyball with your kids tonight after the Atnips concert... I've read your blog for a while now, but never commented. Enjoyed getting to see all of you in person from across the room... maybe next time I'll be brave enough to say hello. :-) (The Sorrells are friends of ours, too. They're such lovely people.) :-)

Karen said...

I have been thinking about you...I have been praying for you...and my heart has grown to love you more and more=)...

What an encouraging post this was...of God's faithfulness and grace.

I feel like I am barely holding on here lately. But I know that if I do let go, my Savior will catch me. Such joy in that reassurance...

You are dear to me...

Janet said...

What wonderful feedback! Even during your difficult times you manage to send out a message quite pertinent! Sending warm hugs from South Africa today! xx

Anonymous said...

The Lord has been allowing me to remember details of a trial He brought me through not long ago. Thoughts, dreams, nightmares, questions... I keep wondering why I am being reminded of so many details, and so often... So far I believe it is so that I will give thanks for what He brought me through, see how marvelously blessed I am now, and, so that I will pray for you! (:Every time the memories flood in the Lord brings you to mind and I pray for you. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being such an encouragement and example. I am forever blessed by you. Eph 1:16 :)