Thursday, February 28, 2008

God's Plan...

God's ways and thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He always has a bigger picture in mind, sometimes we are blessed to be able to discover deep things out of the darkness and then sometimes it might only be revealed in eternity. I read this verse this morning in Ecc. 7:3-4. Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the saddness of the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. It says a heart is made better because of sorrow, and wisdom comes through mourning. In my thinking I would have wanted to pick a different plan, but who knows how my plan would have ended. You see, God has a end in mind and thankfully He can see it. I cannot see the end so if left to my plan I would be wandering here and there trying to arrive at something I know nothing about. I have come to love the words that go beyond our humaness. Words like everlasting and infinite, they tell me about the one who is working out this plan and it exceeds far above what I can think of. Back in the summer my heart was not open to receiving God's plan, I was mad at God and in my heart I felt like I was at a road block. Now as the winter has somewhat passed and by God's grace upon my heart I am open, ready, embracing His plan. I am ready to go to new heights and know and understand the deep things of this darkness. I'm wanting God to teach me and I want to "wring" out all I can from this journey, all that is in accordance to his will that he might show and teach me in this life. I want my heart to be made better, I want that wisdom that comes from sorrow and mourning. So like it says in Ps. 62:50 expectation is from him...I am looking with expectation to the Lord. I wake up with somewhat of an expectancy of what will the Lord do today for me spiritually and temporarily. Remember how I said awhile back, I was asking God for a blessing everyday, not because I deserve it but like Jacob asking God for a blessing. Sometimes I lay in bed and have to think hard of the day and see what it was, other times it's more visible. It might be in a small package like Mercy saying all on her own, "I wuv uuuu" and hugging my neck. It might be a temporal blessing of receiving phone calls for more jobs. It might be news and information of how Joel's DVD is going forth in other distributive ways. Yesterday it was receiving information from a mom tht I do not know, but she had been reading my blog and she has recently been separated from her infant son after 9-1/2 hours of life with him. The Lord blessed me in the fact that I could reach out and hopefully be of some comfort to this Mommy with the comfort I have received of the Lord. Thank you Lord for your blessing yesterday. If I do not see an obvious blessing there are certainly blessings I can acknowledge... life itself, my husband and my children. Sometimes I think I grieve God for not telling him thank you. So through sorrow and mourning my heart is made better and I receive wisdom. I guess I feel like there is some sort of gain from this journey. Wisdome to share with another grieving Mommy truths that God has shown me in his word. Today there is strength in heart as I see in my finite way God's plan. I cannot see the end, but I trust for the end, like the last verse in Daniel 12:13 says. But go though thy way till the end be: for thou shalt rest, and stand in thy lot at the end of the days. Eventually there will be an end and in eternity there will be rest.

After I write a poem about Joel it's hard for me to make another post because I don't want the poem to go away, I'm so tied to it because of the feelings I expressed for Joel through it. It feels like I'm scrolling him away. I wish I could have them up all the time, not because they are great, but the represent my little Joel and how much I miss him and love him. Guess what????I have already recieved my blessing for today...I came in this morning and told Bethany what I wanted to do and she did it!!!! Bethany made a link to post all the poems I wrote to Joel, its over on the side, Joel's Poems. Thanks Bethany for blessing me today!!!!!

Goat births have slowed down until March. It's been busy! Bethany has done a great job. And Andrew and Anna have been faithful assitants.

Josiah helped me clean out some of the flowerbeds yesterday, he thinks it is starting to look like spring. He went barefoot yesterday!

Another head injury!!!! Josiah is ok!! It went something like this......we finished supper and just sitting around, Hosanna, Josiah and Mercy were playing in the sheet closet in the hallway, the one I reorganized a few days ago. I had seen them playing in it several times and as I passed I would say "be careful, don't mash fingers." Well, we heard a blood curddling scream, (Josiah's) then Mercy screams out of fear, 11 people are dashing back, I slow down to let the others go ahead, (this all happens so very fast, yet my mind is thinking so very fast) My mommy part of me was envisioning Josiah all splattered on the floor and my heart was screaming inside to the Lord, "oh, not him to." Ever since Joel's situation I do not do well with injuries. We grabbed him up, he had climbed up the shelves in the closet about 4 feet and lost his balance and fell down and hit the back of his head. I was just waiting for the concussion to start, throwing up or eyes rolling. We took him outside in the brisk air and kept talking to him and he appeared ok, His lips did not turn white so I was hopeful that he would bounce back. For the next hour or so we kept asking him questions and he communicated well. This is his third head injury in about 6 months, remember he fell off the chair and hit the bricks and then in the summer, while my dad was here he came in the house screaming and blood running all down his face, he had ran into a pointed end of a table saw. All these head injuries are not helping my nerves! He's fine though and I have regained my heart that felt like leaped out.

May the Lord bless the rest of your week......I am ready for the downhill swing , as we maxed out with the head injury!!!! P.S. I know this is not in the "code of etiquette," but Mercy is so cute as she broadens her vocabulary, we were eating lunch and she said,"do tooters."( that meant SHE did it) She is learning far too much from her brothers :) In the pic Mercy is NOT getting her first kiss, Josiah was just talking to her :)


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Joel's Stuff.....

Joel's Stuff

Finding things you've left behind
Brings tears to eyes and thoughts to mind

Moving the couch and finding your snakes
I try to be brave, yet my heart still breaks

Cleaned out closets; blankets, tractors I see
All these treasures were once a need

Pulled open a drawer, found "undies" size three
Oh, how small you seemed to be

You don't need these earthly clothes
Your body now immortality beholds

I miss you today as I straightened and cleaned
But I'm still trusting God in what he has deemed

Not a breath goes by your not missed
Who knows if the Lord might send you a kiss!!

I love you "Balley"

Cleaned out a few things today, just trying to reorganize some closets, nothing too major. It was the drawer that his little underwear was stuffed in that really did it. I grabbed them up and had to go be alone.... the bathroom is a hiding place sometimes. I just sat there and held them close to me and cried. We had to get him alot of undies when he was in the hospital the first time and a different size than Josiah, he had lost weight. Crying is one way to release the pain, and yet this morning my heart was beating so fast I was was sighing so heavily, I just had to put something on paper of the thoughts I was having, so thats why I wrote this, it just seems to allow the grieving to flow. After that little time I feel better and can continue on. The waves still come and engulf me and then they settle till the next one. I am thinking about the truths that God has shown me in the days past and I trust him, but I do not think God expects no tears, no more pain. I will miss him always, I think I will always have tears but the pain might subside in time. Today was just a day that I felt it. Thanks for listening.....


Sunday, February 24, 2008

God's Formula

Believing what the scripture teaches about the Sovereignity of God is very comforting. It is a rock that you can stand on in the midst of the storms that are raging around you. Trusting in God's Sovereignity, that He is in control of all things does not exempt you from the great accuser, Satan who torments your mind with twisted ideas. Was that not why he was thrown out to start with because he wanted control? He knows he is doomed so he is seeking to gain ground and make us weak in what we believe is the truth. If he can get us to think about "if you had known sooner, or you should have done this or that, but he was cut short of life." He lies to us about the character of God and says "how could a loving God do that?" He brings accusations against God to our mind. Even though I am finding rest and the Lord continues to give me comfort of Joel's short little life, I still have battles with the accuser. I read a scripture this morning and the message it brought to my heart was so very real and comforting. Ezekiel 1:1 Now it came to pass in the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, in the fifth day of the month, as I was among the captives by the river of Chebar that the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God. You might wonder how this scripture could be so comforting, but look it has a year, a month, a day and it came to pass. It said to me that God is caring out his plans in a time frame to the minutest detail. I cannot take Joel's 3 years, 4 months, and 10 days and think it could have been more or less. The numbers cannot be changed by "if's," "ands," or "buts." God's purposed it and fulfilled it according to his plan. I guess I see it as God's Formula..... 3 years + 4 months +10 days = God's will. I am so thankful that the Lord is so kind to understand a mommys heart to keep giving me comfort that all his works are right and perfect.Trusting in God's Sovereignity does not diminish the pain and tears, but gives me a focus point in the midst. Just like we enjoy to know within our own families how much we are loved by others through their words and actions, I receive this scripture as just that from the Lord. That he still cares and knows the battle in my mind and has once again showed me through his word that I can rest assured that He is the Sovereign God and that his will was done in Joel's life of 3 years, 4 months and 10 days! Praise the Lord!

Hope your Lord's day was restful and peacful. Hosanna made me smile in a little conversation we had about her runny nose. She was blowing her nose and I said to her, "I am sorry." She said, "you didn't make it," (run that is) "I just have to blow it." She said it so pitifully towards me like its okay mom, it not your fault. Their thinking is just so innocent and sincere much of the time. Again, Mercy is full steam ahead, thank you for your prayers for her!

Have a great week and know that God is in control of every detail! Anna took a picture of Mercy this morning before church with her new little bangs cut. It makes her look older to me. What a precious child she is!!


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Mercy Doing Good

Thank the Lord that Mercy is doing really well, pretty much back to normal play with her wrist. Thank you for praying for this little precious! Last night at the table Elijah ask her,"did you have a miracle?" She said, "yeah!" But you just had to hear her voice, so cute!
Today, the 23rd, 13 months since Joel went to his heavenly home. Seems like so long ago that I held him, had him, loved on him.....I miss you! What a joy to have you for 3 years 4 months and 10 days. You are forever my little boy. In heaven I will love on you and hold you forever!!

Grocery day went fairly well, unusual happenings keep occuring to me on these shopping days,(remember I ran out of gas) when up to a month or so ago nothing happened. It was the jar of pickles.... in Sam's that I proceeded to take off the shelf but did not make it to my buggy but was dropped on my toes.....OUCH!!!!! Major pain.... wondering if I would be able to continue my shopping expedition. After standing there and praying the Lord's mercy on my foot, I decided not to get the pickles and pushed the cart trying to aid my foot of the pain. All continued to go well until I made my last stop at a thrift store near where we live. As I returned to the van I searched for my keys, but not to be found, so I go around the other side and peek in and they are hanging where they should be in order to start the vehicle. Called Terry, he's not in town but said Elijah was and he would call him for me. I went to ask for a hanger which at least I was at a good place to recieve one. Went over to the side window that opens out and jammed the hanger in with the crook I had made in it, wiggled it and I could not believe it caught hold of the lock! I pulled up and it really opened! I do not think I have ever done that before. I was able to call Terry back and tell him of my success! Later Anna wondered why I was taking so long to get home as I talked to her previously and said I would be there soon. I guess I will have to make sure and tell the Lord thank you for letting get back home!!

The guys are helping a family that lives a few hours away with some outside projects so we have been busy with preparations for church meeting in our home tomorrow. We meet with several other families and enjoy the teaching and fellowship. Anna has been in the kitchen most of the day. She made the lunch for tomorrow, BBQ meatballs and Duo Tater Bake plus the dessert. After that she made breakfast for in the morning and made some dessert for the younger ones tonight. Josiah was helping "lick." You are probably wondering what I do..... well I did manage to make a new dish for supper, Spiral Pepperoni Pizza Bake, cleaned one bathroom, started vacuming but did not finish, dusted,and some other cleaning. Andrew and Joshua helped outside to make it ready for church. Bethany is knee deep in goat maintance and care. We have had 4 more babies, plus she is having to feed some of these puppies goat milk with a bottle. Were getting it done and our big helpers are gone! In all labor there is profit!!

Not much else..... have a wonderful Lord's Day!


Thursday, February 21, 2008

What A Day !

Last night our sweet little Mercy was playing with Andrew and in the interaction Andrew accidently pulled on her wrist and she cried and screamed so hard. She was in alot of pain, only wanting to be held and any movement of her wrist\elbow was very uncomfortable for her. She slept with us and tossed and cried throughout the night. This morning was not alot different so we decided to take her to our family physician. Our thoughts were she has dislocated her elbow or done something to her wrist. I made the appt. and was asking for the primary Dr. that we have at the Dr. office, but he was unavailable, so they gave me the appt. with the Dr. that we saw Joel with. There has been one other time since Joel has left us that I have had to go back, in Nov. 07 with Micah and an ear infection and also was only able to get with that same Dr. we had with Joel. Now that part is causing me to try to figure out why the Lord keeps putting me with this Dr. I do not think he even remembers us, we only saw him about three times before going to the specialist, any way getting back to Mercy he thought we should hav it x-rayed so we had to go over to another place because their machine was not working, and spent at least an hour there, then back to the Dr. to read and get the attention that was needed. It ended up only being a sprain, which we are soooo thankful. She is somewhat uncomfortable with pain, but there was not a whole lot to do. She holds it up and is only working with one arm. She has tried to play some but gets frustrated as it hurts when she manuvers around. Her best place is being held and no movement to her arm. It will just take time, and patience on our part to care for her. Now getting back to the emotional part of all this and being in the same room with the same Dr. brought heaves of sighs as we waited and waited. The x-ray procedures were like flashbacks, here is your child having to have this done and you are helpless at her side. Trying to comfort her as she cried so very hard was draining as I could only think of Joel. So many memories and just wondering why I had to face this Dr. again. He is very nice and I do not have a problem with him at all, it is just the flashbacks and it hurt. Maybe it was to help me see that I am still in constant need of the Lord and to not even think for a minute that I am strong. Maybe I have underlying fears of another child being sick and I am not in control.... I do not know, I must rest in the the providences that were layed before me and know that even in facing this today with Mercy, that every life and child is in the palm of his hand.

All the above was not even the start of the day, this morning I was on the phone with a dear mother\wife that our family has known for 6 years or so, mostly just listening to a marrriage that is in trouble after I am guessing of 28-30 years and with only a few less chldren than us. I am so burdened and weighted down. All this has made me dissfunctional today. Satan is roaring to kill, steal, and destroy not the world, but the church and the picture of his church, marriages!! Oh, how we need to commit fresh and new to our spouses and children to death do us part and pray God's mercy upon our families. O Lord protect our families from this destructive enemy!!

I feel so scattered in my mind, I still have to get my grocery list for tomorrow, shopping day, again. At least I do not have to buy meat!!!

More goats born today, two nubian does!Thats 8 babies so far! Also we have 12 puppies Lab mix that were born Wed. I am not to glad about that. It was an accident as we were going to get her fixed. At least the dad is ours and that will be a positive as we sell them and can say the mix is child friendly. So I will go ahead an advertise....Puppies For Sale, in about 8 weeks. They do look like Labsat least! We have had a whole lot of litters from aLab that we had for about 10 years and we were able to always get them sold, so hopefully this round will go fast too. This is another Lab that we have, our family Lab went off to die somewhere we guess. This Lab is Bethany's dog, she is beautiful, creme color, but had all these black puppies:( I guess we are a fertile farm aren't we? Now we just need humans to get pregnant, like me:) We are praying!!!!!

Have a restful evening, I know I need it!


P.S. Bethany jus came in and more goats in labor...... a long night for her! Pray for Mercy if the Lord brings her to your heart for quick healing! Pictures above were a few days ago before she hurt her little arm.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


The mornings are always the hardest for awake and have to face that fact of he is not here, he is not going to come snuggle up in my arms as he is rubbing his eyes trying to get awake. It is not that I am wrestling with God, I really am in my heart resting but I still miss Joel. I still love him, I still am going to talk about him, I am still going to cry, I am still going to tell memories about him, he is still my little boy.....he is just out of my sight for a little while. The little poems I write are so simple I know but they allow me to tell about my Joel, his cute little self, his huge personality, and his unforgettable smile!

I Love You

I love you, Joel, your toes your feet
I love to whisper your name so sweet

I love your snuggles in the morniings as you wake
I l0ve your toast and eggs to make

I love to help you in jeans get dressed
I love to wipe your face a mess

I love to brush your hair to side
I love to watch your hands in pockets hide

I love to hold and read a book or two
I love to kneel and pray with you

I love to see "Siah" by your side
I love treasures received you two could find

I love your arms around my neck so tight
I love your kisses as I said "good-night"

I love the adventures and fun you thought
I love the flowers to me you brought

I love to see you play with toys
I love to hear your laughs with joy

I love to hold your hand on walks
I love to hear your silly talks

I love to see you do "monkey belly"
I love to fix you peanut jelly

I love to tell you "I Love You"
I love you to tell me too

I love you in this life awhile
I love you in death, as I await your smile

I love the blessing you are to me
I love the coming of Christ, for your smile to see!!!

I love you, Joel

I read Ps.139 this morning and again just the wonder of a child and the miracle of God's weaving and fashioning of that tiiny frame and the joy of being able to recieve that blessing and nurture him, that just made me want to do something special for Joel. Who knows if the Lord dosen't whisper in Joel's ear how special he is to us still! Maybe the poem is a belated Valentine to my Joel.
I read the devotion for today in Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon and wanted to share it, it is a little long but it blessed me. In my narrow thinking and in my mommy heart it is hard for me to think of ANYTHING worth losing my little Joel over, but I know that the Lord works outside of my finite thinking and how wonderful that is! I know there are plans and workings that I will and others will say thank you to Joel and mostly to the Lord for bringing these providences to pass when we see face to face. And too, that attitude would not be right to hold because if it were so then the Lord would not have sent his Son, because he would say we are not worth it, but his amazing love looked to the need of us poor, wretched creatures and had mercy to send his Son to die for sinners. So as I read this devotion, one day we will know.......

"Shew me wherefore thou contendest with me." ~Job 10:2
Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develope thy graces. There are some of thy graces which would never be discovered if it were not for thy trials. Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter? Love is too often like a glow-worm, showing but little light except it be in the midst of surrouning darkness. Hope itself is like a star--not to be seem in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black foils in which God doth set the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine the better. It was but a little while ago that on thy knees that wast saying, "Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith." Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials? For how canst thou know that thoud hast faith until thy faith is exersized? Depend upon it, God often sends us trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery, real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials. God often takes away our comforts an our privledges in order to make us better Christians. He trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxery, but by hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many a long mile with heavy knapsacks of sorrow on their backs. Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which thou art passing? Is not the Lord bringing out your graces, and making them grow? Is not this the reason why He is contending with you?

May the Lord send blessings to you today, and tell your children you "LOVE THEM"

Monday, February 18, 2008

More Babies...(goats)

Two more does arrived around 6:oo P.M. These are nubians, the milk goats. That is a total of 6 babies so far. Seven more due this week. Bethany is hopping! I know you might not like all this goat info, but its fun to journal for our own family! A goat nursery is what we have around here. Bethany has to bottle feed these because she is doing the CAE prevention. Thats goat info stuff! Anyway, its fun and really it is God's blessing as he gives fruitfulness to our herd. Job had a lot of livestock and it was recorded. I do not put myself on the same page as Job, but he did have suffering and it is given to us a record of the blessing that he recieved in the end, So the Lord blessed the later end of Job more than his beginning:for he had fourteen thousand sheep,and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses. We are very thankful for the Lord's goodness and his provision. Do not think any more are going to "pop" out tonight, but you never know, these were a little early.

Jeremiah's hamburgers were soooo good! He has had a fun day!!

Thanks for having fun with us!


Jeremiah is 8 !!

Happy Birthday


Jeremiah !!!!

Jeremiah is 8 years old today! His donuts were gobbled up and then he was happy to recieve a nice compound bow (small one). If you walk outside, better watch out for flying arrows from Joshua, Jeremiah, and Josiah & Hosanna are sharing a bow. We love you "Miah." One other blessing of it being your birthday, you get off chores, so someone else will help fold clothes today! May the Lord make YOU, Jeremiah, a mighty "arrow" for his kingdom!

More goats born just within the hour, two does this time, yeah!!!! Assistance was needed, way to go Bethany!

Happy Monday!

Cindy (green for camo party:)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

News From Afar !!!!

As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country......The Lord encouraged my heart with letting me know through a scripture I read this morning how Joel is doing. It was Ps.17:15.....I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with thy likeness. One of my greatest emotional needs is to know how Joel is doing, that mommy instinct in me still is interested in my little boy, yet on the other hand one of the hardest facts my heart has to embrace is that he dosen't need me anymore. The scripture I read blessed me so in that Joel is satisfied where he is. I was so grateful to the Lord for showing pity to me and allowing me to know how he is doing. As I think of the last moments before Joel had the seizure and if he were to have a last memory, this verse helps me to think about what he might have experienced after having the time span of being in the coma, from mommy holding him then to awake in the Lord's presence. It is so wonderful that the Word is alive and powerful. Just to think of all the different circumstances that this verse has been applied to over time and to all the different people and now in my situation it is still speaking and to my particular need. God's word is so wonderful! So the Lord sent me a little note via the Word!!!!! Thank you Lord for being so personal to hear my heart cries of how I still miss my little Joel and you granted a comfort that all is well.

Bethany is in the middle of birthing Boer goat babies, a buck and a doe were born just 45 minutes ago. She had them on her due date, can't get any easier than that. She has seven more due this week, five on Thursday. She had to help the first one out, one leg was back and one forward. Terry prayed and Bethany said she was shaking with nervousness and it all went well. I was feeling for the poor girl as she moaned and pushed, brings back memories of "that hurts." Mercy saw the babies and said, "making." Guess she thought they were being made right then and there!

I read another verse the other day that brought comfort and testifies to God's control. Psalm 16:5 .......thou maintainest my lot. When I thought about Job's life and how the Lord gave permission for the enemy to move upon his life with trials, sorrows, and physical needs, that verse tell me that nothing can come in or go out of our lives that God does not allow. He maintains our lot, he is the one ordering the events and times of all that we might have to go through. The "lots" that might be ordered unto us are for our good and for his glory. This is where I find the most comfort as I meditate on God's sovereignity. May the Lord give us all grace to rest in his maintaing our "lots."

Jeremiah's 8th birthday is tomorrow (18th) He is very excited about his "Camoflouge Party." He is wanting it to hurry and get dark so he can get to bed and then wake up to donuts and presents. Guess what we are having for his meal in the evening...H**bu*g*rs!!!!!! Jeremiah is a blessing as I said before, he keeps our hearts merry!

Have a good week!

Just for fun.......******Parenting Tip and Advice**********

Father says to son Elijah, "Elijah, DO NOT wrap Micah (13) up and lock him up in places!!!!!!

*******Admonishing Words to A Child**********

Mom says to son Joshua as we are leaving for church, "Joshua you hair is a disaster!"

It is always a blessing to see a demonstration of truth imparted to children, but I was a little disappointed to who it was given.....Duffy (the dog) is in a scramble with Mercy and Bethany admonishes Duffy to "be kind." He does attend my Bible reading briefly in the mornings, but I think he is not up for regeneration!

Life is fun and children are blessings!!!!! Enjoy yours! Josiah plopped his self on the couch with his coffee and a book on God's Providence.....


Friday, February 15, 2008

Keep Looking Up !!!!

......Why stand ye gazing up into heaven?( Acts1:11) Why do I keep getting on my knees before the Lord? Why do I keep missing Joel soooo much?? Why do I keep reading my Bible? Why do I keep talking to the Lord, when it seems silent?......... ANSWER: this same Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.(v.11) It is the hope that is before just seems blah, the weather, the start of the day for me seemed like I was talking to the Lord, but no answer, as it seemed, but after a few minutes the Lord did speak through His spirit and spoke truth to my look up from whence cometh my help, He that began a good work will finish it, He is the beginning and the end of this trial, he is the same yesterday, today and forever. I feel like I am on a slippery ground today, in my feelings and emotions that is. I must do as this scripture says and fix my gaze "up" to the One that will return and will even now fulfill these promises that I heard this morning! Today is just one of those days, I really miss him.....

Praise the Lord a good report with Remy, here is the e-mail we recieved:

Hello All,
I am emailing on behalf of Rita and Jeremy and it is GOOD
NEWS! The Dr. found many cysts on Remy's optical nerve, they drained those
and all were benign. They also performed a biopsy on the fatty tissue
behind her eye, it too was cancer-free. They took tissue from another area
but will not have results for a couple of days. The Dr. still doesn't
really know what this condition is and is still quite baffled, but for now the
news is good.

Rita, the mom called me and said they would go back in a month or so for another CT scan to keep an eye on the situation. Thank you for praying for this sweet family. May the Lord heal Remy up from all the procedures today.

Have a happy Friday night with your family!! Dear husband has one big garden dosen't he?


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day...

I am blessed to be loved by a wonderful husband that truly loves me like Christ loves the church...unconditional. I received a very nice note from him this morning....

Dear Cindy,

Happy Valentines Day to my beloved wife and sweetheart. I love you very
much, and I am thankful to have you by my side and you have been faithful
to me. You have been willing to follow the Lord, and to receive all the children
that he is willing to give, and I am blessed because of that. May the Lord cause
you to be the mother of thousands in Israel. You have also had to suffer the
loss of our precious blesssing, little Joel. This has been a tremendous grief
and challenge, for God's ways are not always our ways. And yet, you have
perserved through this great trial of intense fire, and you have kept your
face to the Lord Jesus in the midst of the pain. You are truly a wonderful
wife and sweetheart. I love you and I pray that this year will be a year of
blessing and healing and growth in the Lord for both of us!

Your Husband

Terry has always been thoughtful with special words and I am grateful for his strength of faith, because I have had to hold on to his believing when I did not think I could go on. I share the note not to draw attention to myself, but to just honor Terry for the wonderful husband and father he is . I am blessed!!! Valentine's Day...... we try to think of the "LOVE" that God has for each of us, that He loved us before we could love him and to seek to love each other with a forgiving and unconditional love. With 14 people sometimes we fail and do not always love the right way. But, we continue on seeking to love the way Christ loved us. I am so grateful for the love of Christ in my own life as he sought me when I was stranger to him, and he called me unto himself and saved me from sin, hell and death. His personhood is so amazing, his character so loving, his attributes so holy. Thank you Lord for your LOVE.......

I did something very scary this morning....... cleaned out the boys under the beds, taking off the covers and mattresses and cleaning out the closets. With 8 boys in one room, something was not smelling right. I did not discover anthing that was alive or dead for that matter. They are in the master bedroom and it works fine for the three bunk beds and a twin bed plus Josiah's baby bed mattress on the floor. Got it all clean, opened the windows and fresh is flowing in!!! Andrew did help some, so thanks Andrew!

Eliah has rented a tractor today for some projects around the farm and is having some sand delivered for these projects. He is going to use some of it around the new goat shed to level it out and then he is going to work on the garden. Work, work, work...... seems when you live out, there is always something to fix, tear up, or build.

Pray for Remy, the surgery is Friday, at 12:30. Keep you posted.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day..... Anna is making a special cheesecake for tonight!!!!


Monday, February 11, 2008

Waiting on God.....

Waiting on the Lord is a momentous exercise......I am waiting on the Lord for many things, waiting to see if the Lord might make us fruitful again,waiting on the Lord for provision for specific needs, waiting to see Joel again, waiting to see plans that the Lord has for each child and their future, waiting for answers to prayer, waiting for direction, waiting for even mundane things in our in a line, to recieve an order or a call, ect. And like with Joel, we waited for results for tests and a diagnoses. Often I find it hard to wait, to not go ahead and take matters into my own hands to get the results that I want. I think I have discovered a crack that I fall into so much and I really see it now and I am purposing not to go there because it is a place that Satan pulls me down. This is how it might play out in my mind, as I wait on the Lord, I come up with my own idea of how that answer to prayer could work out, but then it dosen't get answered like I had planned in my mind, so I fall into this crack I mentioned, of being disappointed, and sad with the Lord that it did not go like I had in my mind. Maybe another good example is in our home..... when a child makes a request to another party and they do not recieve it like they desired and they whine or cry. Maybe they did not recieve it because they were not able to be responsible yet, or by the discernment of the giver, it was not for the best at the time. So I guess I put myself in the place of this child picture and that makes me see myself before a God that knows what is best and when. I was so happy to read these scriptures that encouraged my heart. Ps.10:17 Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble, thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear and Ps. 130:6 My soul waiteth for the lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say more that they that watch for the morning. Ps 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. With these verses I feel like the Lord showed me "how to wait," "what to do while I wait," and "what to expect while I wait," (to keep me from my own preconceived ideas) How to wait would be Ps 130:6, longingly, yearning. What to do.... Ps.130:6, be in his word. And then Ps.10:17, says I should expect the Lord to prepare my heart. Sounds easy enough, but I find it hard too, but I am purposing to do this with the Lords help. Waiting on the Lord..... I am determined that I am not going to let circumstances control me, but let the Truth guide me. I feel like an infant and someone is trying to buckle me in a carseat, or toddler learning to walk. Oh well..... at least I am getting fed and I am not a starving infant, God is faithful to allow me to hear him through his word and I am grateful. May the Lord give us all grace to wait and allow him to order our steps and fulfill his plans in our life, they really are better than ours, aren't they?

Funny conversation...... I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and stuff, Hosanna enters and it goes like this......
Hosanna- "what is that?"
Me- "eye creme"
Hosanna-" what is it for?"
Me- "saggy eyes"
Hosanna- "sad eyes????"
Me- "no, saggy eyes"
Josiah enters and with very puzzled looks they continue to look at my procedures, after their observations with a look of "you adults do strange things," they departed! Sad eyes or saggy eyes, it must be all the tears I have shed...... or age? oh well!!!

Brrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! It is cold today. The guys are here working on some projects and Wednesday they will be starting footings and then do the framing for a house back about 5 miles from us. The Lord is faithful to open work opportunities! Yea, for the Lord!!!! The pictures above are some of the projects they have and are working on, the metal shop and then the house they are building out of Build Block(insulated concrete forms) like big legos and you fill them with concrete. Good work guys!!!!!

Looks like Remy's surgery is scheduled for Friday, 15th at 12:30 pm. Keep them in your prayers!!! Will post as soon as we hear results.

Stay warm...... our wood stove is going!!!


Saturday, February 9, 2008

Super Saturdays

Saturdays have always been fun for our family, and they still are, but they are sad for me as it is a day to be together, so that makes me miss Joel. I guess certain things will always be reminders that someone is missing. Nevertheless I desire to move on, because that is where my hope is....before me!

This place is hopping with activity today, Terry and some of his helpers are planting some early things, like lettuce, spinach and radishes. He has learned alot over the last 13 years of gardening, improving the soil has been the greatest challenge, since we are surrounded with the red clay. Even in gardening faith has to be cast forth, as we plant and it is the Lord to give the increase. Gardening gives us alot of truth in itself. We look to what is not seen immediently, to what the Lord will bring forth. I especially like the picture that a garden demonstrates in the "life" aspect, soon the seed will resurrect and bring forth fruit. My heart is encouraged as I look all around and see "life" bursting forth, it helps me to know how Joel is doing....he is alive and well with the Lord! Josiah was the first one to see the little heads of flowers coming up from our flower beds of all the bulbs we planted in the late fall. He was very excited! As for the other work going on, Micah has his work cut out for him as he is trying to clean out goat stalls full of, you know what! Caleb and Daniel are finishing up the new shed, Elijah and Andrew are working on pens and gates and getting some more hay out. Bethany is supervising all these jobs as they entail the goats, which she is the manager of. Anna is making our breakfast for Sunday morning, yummmmy! Saturdays are peaceful and fun for our family!

The Lord's ways are much higher than ours aren't they?
*to be exalted we must be brought low
*to die is to live
* suffering, then we will reign with him
*travel the wilderness to enter the promise land
*more blessed to give than to receive
* enduring temptations and we will recieve a crown of life
*humbling circumstances makes us meet to be partakers of the inheritance
*by being brought low we can be made vessels of honor
*through fires we are made pure

Throughout the scriptures we see these examples. I want to learn to glory in the cross, it brought railings, sufferings, mockings, scouragings, despisings, and death. We are not above our master, why do I oft wonder and question the Lord with the "why me?" It was done unto him. And that is how I can keep going on, because of the Cross and the Victory and the hope that is in the Lord Jesus Christ that there is life after this life, real life! A prayer of mine would be if there is anyone reading this that has not trusted in the Lord to save them from sin, they would fall before the Lord and cry out " have mercy on me, O God, save me, I confess I have sinned against you and I need your forgiveness," and then believing on the Lord that he will save all those that call upon him. This journey has been about a very special person, that is Joel, but the one that is due honor and glory is the Lord God Almighty! It is really His name that is to be remembered throughout generations to come! You all have been so encouraging as we go on, and it is with a big heart of thanks to you, family, friends and so many we have not met. Many blessings to you and may the Lord crown your year with fattness!!

Tonight.......Hamburgers made with our home grown meat, and Bethany's homemade buns!!!! yipeeeee!!!! Come on over.... or we'll eat one for ya!! Just follow your nose.......

Have a great Saturday yourself!!


Thursday, February 7, 2008

Where's The Beef ??

In our freezer..... all 474 pounds of it!!!!! We tried out the T-bones first.....Mmmmmmm!!!!! It is such a blessing to have this meat right out in the freezer and chicken too. The four families that purchased the other steer are making arrangements to pick up their quarters up at the processor, so the Lord has sent provision to hopefully invest in a few more steers in the spring\summer. Those big hungry boys liked sinking there teeth in those steaks. I think the last T-bones we had were many years ago from another steer, it's been a looong time! A funny thing happened the other day after we got the meat home...... the little ones tend to play out real life. Hosanna had Josiah on the floor, he was the "dead steer," and she had all of her tools of extraction to cut off the meat from Josiah. She had to clean him with a duplo block, cut his head off with a ruler and wear a plastic bag to keep the blood off. I remember when Joel was at the hospital the first time and I came home for a quick visit and she and Josiah has a baby on his bed with wires and tubes going every direction, they told me it had cancer........they act out life, how that makes it ever more needful for us to live it, live for the Lord, walk in the spirit training these little ones and big ones too for his kingdom. We have a mission field in our home and in the uttermost as well. O Lord, let us be examples to these tender hearts!

Today..... another grocery day, I did better today. I only cried a "little bit." I think I was sidetracked in thoughts today, as I had alot to pray about. How many times do you get in your vehicle and it is on empty? With me, seems like always, but this morning I did not even look. I drive to Edmond to go shopping, so the trip there is about 35-40 minutes. I was driving along and the van starts sputtering. We have had some problems with it, so I first thought "oh, no the end has come." I did think to look at the gas gauge and sure enough it was PAST empty! It sputtered on and I quickly pulled into Home Depot parking lot. I was sooo blessed because I was rescued by 3 of the most handsome men........ my dear husband and my oldest sons, Caleb and Daniel. Terry brought some gas and got me going again!!!!! Thank the Lord for cell phones. I think all went well on the home front while I was gone by the pics above.

Keep Remy in your prayers, as the surgery was rescheduled for next week, the waiting can be tough!

Thanks to all you folks for the reviews for the DVD. Now....... for ALL the family and extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, ect..... come on, do not be shy, it is very easy to do. You do not have to say alot and you can look at the other ones if you can't get the words straight! I am picking on you I know but, YOU CAN DO IT!!!! :) The link is on the side now. Thanks soooo much!!!!!

Well..... the guys are in Wynoka tonight and tomorrow helping a friend with a remodel job. I don't know what we are going to do...... clean the kitchen first, and later I might work on Creative Memories after sweet little Mercy lays down. Have a good evening!


Monday, February 4, 2008

Tiny Treasure....

February........hard to believe its here already......makes me think if it would have been the Lord's will, I would be about 20 days till delivery of a new little treasure. Anticipating a new little one is a joy inspeakable. Just to think of what has been created and fashioned is a miracle. I do not claim to be a poet, but as I was waiting in the van for Bethany this morning as she had jury duty, I was thinking about our little baby. I think since I was in such heavy grieving with Joel, I did not allow myself to grieve for this little one, so this morning I wrote a poem in memory of this little treasure to acknowledge that this little one was very special and I am missing the upcoming birth if it had been the Lord's will.........

Tiny Treasure

My tiny little treasure
Womb to eternity, your Fathers pleasure

Your form I did not hold
But your Creator he did mold

Run and play with Joel so sweet
Won't be long on heavens shore we'll meet

Tears are shed along my way
Awaiting to embrace you two, OH! Eternal day!!

from your mommy

I think of Joel so much, from the tip of his head down to the bottom of his little toes......I have been thinking about his name and what it means. For our family we desire to give names that Lord willing our children will grow into, looking at the character and ways the Lord might use these to influence the lives of our own children. Telling them the story that involves their name. Giving them mentors to look up to and be challenged by their examlpes to be brave, courageous, to endure in difficult situations, that their faith would be encouraged as they look at these that sought to live unto the Lord. Just to mention a few, like Caleb, meaning "bold one," praying that the Lord would make Caleb bold, that he would stand alone if necessary, our little Mercy, means "compassionate spirit," may the Lord bless her with mercy to give to others, and to see her need for mercy in her own life and see that God's mercy is unto those that call upon him in as I have thought about Joel, his name means "Jehavoh is God." Now when we named him at that time I was blessing him with the desire to be like that prophet of old, to have courage, to proclaim the truth and I think Joel has fulfilled that in some sense, he has been a testimony to the Lord that He is the giver of life and the Lord holds the keys to death. But as I think now on the other side of this journey and what Joel's name means and the implications for my heart today.....there is a peaceful thought that Joel has proved what his name means in the trial and circumstances of his journey....Jehovah is God!!!!! He is God in the ordering of the "lot" that has come our way, He is God in allowing me to know not just with reading about how he says it in the Bible, but by experience, I, in one sense knew he was God and in control, but now it has become more real. Maybe like if someone were to tell you about how mighty the Rocky Mountains were and they say and describe and you hear it but you do not know because you have not been there by experience. Anyway in my own heart I have a new sense of knowing a little more about who God is......He is the one in charge of me, us and you, every jot and tittle of our lives!! That is comforting to me!

I read a scripture this morning and it has caused me to "think." Psalm 124:1-2 If it had not been the Lord who was on our side, now may Israel say; if it had not been the Lord who was on our side, when men rose up against us.....
-I could just have been another statistic (I'm adopted)
-I could be in such sinfulness in the world
-I would spend eternity seperated from the Lord
-I would not be married to the most wonderful husband
-I would not be blessed with treasures that last for eternity
-I would not be blessed with family and friends like you
- I would not have the daily opportunities to be with my children
- I would not have hope.......if the Lord was not on my side!!!!!
The list can just go on and on, make or think of your own list..... What a merciful, longsuffering God we have!!!

When Terry looks at a cup he says" its half full," when I look at a cup I say, "its half empty." I am seeking not to be such a pessimistic person and I am so thankful Terry can by faith see what is possible....... In thinking about the business that our family started and the providences that the Lord is quite amazing! When Terry first mentioned this vision I could only picture us living off "cattail roots" and saying "if we perish we perish." (at least we might all go together) So to set the record strait and to humbly acknowledge to the Lord first and then to my family, the Lord is doing it and I praise him for bringing the jobs and work!!!!! This has been such a blessing, I am so glad Terry has the opportunity to be with his older sons and there is freedom in schedule to be with his family as needs arise. I think once again of the scripture this morning, if it had not been the Lord who was on our side..... Terry would still be sitting in an office and missing out on mentoring his own sons when he walks by the way!!!! So I shout it unto the Lord, Thank you Lord for your goodness and providences to our family!!!!!

Wow.....I did not know this would end up so long.......thanks for continuing on with us! Have a great week!

P.S. A little bit of humor in the verse I mentioned....If it had not been the Lord who was on my side......I would not have beat Terry in ping-pong TWICE last night!!!!:) Elijah was the tournament champion last night!!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Title Lost !!!!!


I just had to report this......Terry has lost his title in ping-pong, he was defeated! The victor is Caleb! We had a double elimination tournament, Terry won the tournament but he did lose one of the games in the finals!!! There was sooo much screaming, it made your head hurt! Terry is very good at ping-pong and he plays heartily, in previous games he won many of them only by the skin of his teeth!!! The children are getting in some extra practice that he is not:)

The game of the night goes to Andrew!!!! He was playing Elijah, who was at game point and Andrew was 11....Andrew came back and beat him!!!!!! Way to play ANDREW!!! The score was 24\25 or 25\26, it was so loud and confusing we lost track !!!!!!

This was a Fun Friday Family Night!!! Thank the Lord for good fellowship one with another!

Saturday stuff....the guys have been building a new goat pen and shelter for all the new babies expected in about 2 weeks....a goat nursery!!