Friday, April 25, 2008

Thoughts.....







........your routine in the night....I hear a small voice......"mom, hold you"....I lift you out of your bed.. you snuggle in mommys bed...I hear the rhythm of your breath..I feel your little feet..your hand and legs flop on me...I am going to keep letting you in my bed...you're like a flower folded up in the night....to open in the morning.... I do not know if there will be any more...pregnancy use to come so quickly...Terry says we do not know what the Lord will yet do...I was hopeful this week, but the little stick said "no"....I do not like closures... will keep asking...sometimes I just want to run away from pains and hurts of this life...Jesus says to bring my burden to him...I wonder why I am so wavering...I wonder if the great ones of faith were as wavering as I...faith, feelings, I stay so unbalanced...do others think I should be getting over this...I am not trying to win a race for the most children...I love babies..I love being pregnant...its a wonder to feel a living life inside you...I have a desire for what he has commanded, be fruitful and multiply....why does not he grant it....I have to be content with his will...maybe the desire is there for the children I have in another world....the scripture says I AM blessed....I do believe that...it also says the barren womb is not satisfied...I need to do what I wrote about....thy will be done...hard...I have to have a happy heart even if I feel not...it makes the other children sad...some comfort in the fact that we have recieved all that God has for us thus far...I do not have to deal with regrets of thinking who's missng because of taking matters into our own hands...life's journeys are not always smooth...others have had harder journey's than I...it seems like the Lord is far away right now...I am so immature in the faith...if I only had faith of a mustard seed...I get sad with the Lord...but how can I, He's the one that has my Joel...Terry is so steady in his faith...I thought I had grown up some...would I really want Joel back in this world....I am selfish...will the Lord answer any of my prayers...Mercy says, "mommy at?"... I am here...she needs me...Joel does not need me anymore...tears...help my body, Lord to work right...being 45 could mean its coming to a close...how do I accept that...I can not change it... trust...I do not think I like the thought of no more babies...whats ahead....I was looking for a "token of good" from the Lord...disappointed...I have to think upon the truth....his ways are right....I like seeing things...I 'll have to wait til later,I guess...what am I going to do.....this probably makes no sense....its me....why hide it...there are so many in heaven, is Joel lost in the crowd?....Mercy makes my heart happy....she gets away with too much....she might be the last....I am savoring it....I am writing for the future....I know I will look back and see God's faithfulness....I must look up instead of circumstances...why do circumstances control me?....I am thankful Terry has what I do not...even the children are stronger than me...sounds like I am drowning in all these thoughts, huh?... I will keep pressing on...writing helps....God has already given more than I deserve....salvation....all the rest I have is his mercy and goodness....look to what I do have, not what I do not....do others do that too, or just me?....I miss you Joel....I will keep asking....he says to.....the fruit of the womb is his reward!!!...we have alot of rewards.....thank you Lord!!!!......

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you. I know what its like to want a child and its just not the Lords will at this moment. You are on the right path knowing what is REAL and focusing on that instead of your emotions. Hang in there. May you have a blessed weekend.
Renee

Amanda said...

King David even had moments of wavering faith. It is part of the refining process. Those pictures are absolutely beautiful!

Paulette said...

well don't give up, I had a friend who was 44 and got pregnant with triplets!!!
God does give us the desire of our heart, yet he is all knowing, and his will is perfect. Sometimes it is hard to let our will be still.
Blessings

Emma R. said...

Don't ever give up. I took me 6 years to have Derek. Then the doctors said I wouldn't have anymore and 3 years later I had Emma and Ella! Not only was it God's will to give me 1 child, but it was his will to give me twins as well.

Sometimes its very hard to sit back and let God do his work, his timeline isn't always what we hope for. We find ourselves questioning him even though, we know as good Chrisitans that we shouldn't.

I truly believe faith is all we need to get us through times like this, even if its hard to hold on to that faith you must try. God will be so rewarding if we just have a little patience.

LORI

Anonymous said...

Our Lord had been constantly directing my mind and heart to these two verses:

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

It amazes and blesses me to attempt to comprehend that "faith" is a substance! "Faith" is solid evidence! It's real; we can't see or hold it, but we can walk by it and live by it!
Some parts of life are just down right hard. But never forget that our Lord and Leader is I AM!
I have been praying for you very much, and I shall continue.

L said...

You are doing right to work at keeping your eyes on the Lord. Keep raising them up! Keep meditating on His Word!

I, too, am in the season of life where I know I may not ever have another baby of my own. I am 47, my baby is 4 with a miscarriage 2 years ago. While we desire more children and know that God could give us more children if that is His will, we also know that He may say, "No more. It's time to move on to another season of life." It's hard. It's in God's hands so I must work to keep it there where it belongs - in His hands, not mine!

Remember the children that God has already given to you and focus on raising them for Him. He has already given you that job. If He wants to add another one or two, He will do that. In the meantime, focus on the job He has given you today.

God has given you a beautiful family!

In Him,
Laralee
http://www.PlymouthRockRanch.com
Recording the Faithfulness and Provision of God for Future Generataions