Thoughts.....

........your routine in the night....I hear a small voice......"mom, hold you"....I lift you out of your bed.. you snuggle in mommys bed...I hear the rhythm of your breath..I feel your little feet..your hand and legs flop on me...I am going to keep letting you in my bed...you're like a flower folded up in the night....to open in the morning.... I do not know if there will be any more...pregnancy use to come so quickly...Terry says we do not know what the Lord will yet do...I was hopeful this week, but the little stick said "no"....I do not like closures... will keep asking...sometimes I just want to run away from pains and hurts of this life...Jesus says to bring my burden to him...I wonder why I am so wavering...I wonder if the great ones of faith were as wavering as I...faith, feelings, I stay so unbalanced...do others think I should be getting over this...I am not trying to win a race for the most children...I love babies..I love being pregnant...its a wonder to feel a living life inside you...I have a desire for what he has commanded, be fruitful and multiply....why does not he grant it....I have to be content with his will...maybe the desire is there for the children I have in another world....the scripture says I AM blessed....I do believe that...it also says the barren womb is not satisfied...I need to do what I wrote about....thy will be done...hard...I have to have a happy heart even if I feel not...it makes the other children sad...some comfort in the fact that we have recieved all that God has for us thus far...I do not have to deal with regrets of thinking who's missng because of taking matters into our own hands...life's journeys are not always smooth...others have had harder journey's than I...it seems like the Lord is far away right now...I am so immature in the faith...if I only had faith of a mustard seed...I get sad with the Lord...but how can I, He's the one that has my Joel...Terry is so steady in his faith...I thought I had grown up some...would I really want Joel back in this world....I am selfish...will the Lord answer any of my prayers...Mercy says, "mommy at?"... I am here...she needs me...Joel does not need me anymore...tears...help my body, Lord to work right...being 45 could mean its coming to a close...how do I accept that...I can not change it... trust...I do not think I like the thought of no more babies...whats ahead....I was looking for a "token of good" from the Lord...disappointed...I have to think upon the truth....his ways are right....I like seeing things...I 'll have to wait til later,I guess...what am I going to do.....this probably makes no sense....its me....why hide it...there are so many in heaven, is Joel lost in the crowd?....Mercy makes my heart happy....she gets away with too much....she might be the last....I am savoring it....I am writing for the future....I know I will look back and see God's faithfulness....I must look up instead of circumstances...why do circumstances control me?....I am thankful Terry has what I do not...even the children are stronger than me...sounds like I am drowning in all these thoughts, huh?... I will keep pressing on...writing helps....God has already given more than I deserve....salvation....all the rest I have is his mercy and goodness....look to what I do have, not what I do not....do others do that too, or just me?....I miss you Joel....I will keep asking....he says to.....the fruit of the womb is his reward!!!...we have alot of rewards.....thank you Lord!!!!......