Monday, April 28, 2008

Looking for Crumbs.....

You never know when you get here if it will be "high, medium, low, med.high, med. low, up or down or what's up.......I guess its not boring!!!! 3:41 a.m. can't sleep, so write......Think, think, think.....I probably do too much!!!

The scripture in Matt.15:25&27, Then came she and worshippped him, saying, Lord help me v.27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from the masters' table. I have had some "Lord, help me times" in the 26 years of being a Christian, but this scripture has a new picture now. These past 18 months, starting with Joel's sickness has brought me to what I picture in this verse, a woman that was desperate, begging, longing, pleading, crawling, searching, desiring even just a crumb from the masters table. If I were to access my spiritual life from the beginning up to the trial/tragedy with Joel I would say I have sailed along in very mild storms, but this one has stripped me, shaken me, brought me to the lowest of lowes. Conversations around here are usually "high content." Sad to say many of them are "what's wrong with mom?" Elijah especially has own "why is Mom not happy radar system."I am thankful he cares about me so much!! So he asks "why can't you be happy ALL the time?" I just look at him, and say "I do not know anybody thats happy ALL the time."Terry intejects with "we might not can be happy but we can have joy in the midst." Elijah then says to name someone that is happy 99% the time, I ponder and I have to say your dad. And it is true, Terry is strong, confident, seeks to be "happy/joyful" 99% of the time. I learn and think in pictures so I picture Terry as this huge boulder out on the ocean coast and with all the billowing waves crashing upon it, he stays put and endures and becomes stronger. I picture myself as what you might see around here "erosion." Trials , difficulties ebbing away at me, feeling like I grow weaker and weaker. As I thought about the two ideas in the verse, one being "Lord, help me" and the other as crawing around on the floor totally desperate, I began to think back over my Christian life and up to Joel, most of the situations I faced were more, "Lord, help me." I will give a few as memory serves. After I was saved, I was a night/and day case, going south and then a straight north turn, fired up and ready to conquer for the Lord. My first "little trial" was I asked my folks about being a missionary and they just thought I needed to start where I was, so I said ok, and off I went through our neighborhood telling others about Jesus. I remember talking to one lady and she said the word "Beelzibub," I had no idea who that was and did not know if she was rebuking him or calling him down on me, but she did not put out my fire and I went on my happy way. Another was as Terry and I were considering marriage and my parents wanted us to wait. We had no idea how long, but it was about 3 months and then they gave us the go ahead.That was a "Lord, help me time." When we were preg. with Caleb and Daniel, some test was given and the results came back that they had spinal bifada or something and gave us the opption of terminating the preg, a Lord, help me time. ( ended up they tested for a single preg. instead of mutiples) When Caleb and Daniel were around 2 or 3, the Lord put it on my heart to make restitution of some make-up that I had stole when I was 10-12. I went back to the building because the actual store was not there and talked to the manager of the store and ask his forgivness for my sin, it moved one there to tears, my heart was made right, so it was a Lord, help me time. Throughout our marriage we have had some tight financial times and been in places of great need, so those too were Lord, help me times. We have had challenges with Terry's work situations and church situations that we certainly begged the Lord for his help. There has been plenty of these times but they all seemed to be short seasons and for a picture, I would say " I (we) just sailed on along." We really have been blessed on the physical side and just had minimal needs there, but I am sure we offered Lord, help me at times. Like, almost 11 years ago I got bit by a copperhead snake on the ankle, like you know pit viper. Went to the ER, I envisioned cut, suc and spit like the cowboy stories and then death, but neither happened. About a week later I found out I was preg. with Joshua so I was all concerned with the medication I was given, but as it happened all was fine. That was a "Lord, help me." I would have to say the only comparable time to the desperate state I feel like now, like this woman, is when I was preg. with Joel and Josiah. I felt lowered and in great need, but I would have to say I felt like I was eating off the table instead of under it. So now, in that verse I picture someone crawling around looking for anything so they can survive. I am so anxious to read in the mornings that I might hear something about how to keep going, looking for continual comfort that all is well with Joel, reading scriptures about God's providence and his purposes that are for our good and his glory AND trying to believe it. So here is my delima, I picture myself as this woman and then when I do not find the "crumb from the Lord," I get discouraged and then I tend to be goverened by feelings and circumstances and that evolves to a rollercoaster ride and that causes Elijah's radar system to go off and then that leads to the high content conversations and then I am back at square one. Terry seeks to wash the word over me, but sometimes I just do not hear it in my heart, its almost like I have to get through it with just me, God and the word. In one sense I guess its good to be in such a desperate place, but I just like to "see" the help, "feel" the help, like Terry says I can not make God do what I want or what I think should be done. I am the creature and I am suppose to live by faith. I think no matter what I write, how I write, changing words here and there, it all boils down to I have a broken heart, God is in control, I need to trust, have faith for the future, stay under the table and let the tears come as they want, enjoy what I DO have, look forward to eternity, know I am blessed, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Come on, flesh, submit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, whats at the first of that verse....she came and worshipped him and then she asked for the help and then she me, Lord!!!!!

My friend Kim is at home recovering as of Sunday afternoon, she did end up having to have a blood transfusion. Pray she will continue to recover physically and the Lord will give grace to their hearts.
"Boy Stuff" around here...dangerous zip-lines, a little less than 100 feet long and 50 feet high, sleeping in tents and on the trampoline. They said if I were to see it, I would NOT approve, guess I better not go but better pray!!!!!! I just found out that info, I think I will have to make some decisions.........

Busy week ahead, Lord willing:) Bethany has a goat show on Saturday, but we were in a delima as how to get there, remember trucky??? We checked in with "Paps" (my dad) to see if he could possibly come up and pull the trailer with his truck. I was a little doubtful since they just got back from S. Carolina, but he said he would. This is a huge blessing for Bethany as this was a double show and one she really wanted to attend. My dad....he's something else, and Shirley too!!! He kinda get into these goat shows:) Grocery day on Wed.,( Working Wednesday is not working, I am going to have to switch to "Make it Happen Monday," or "Tis So Clean Tuesday.") the guys have a busy week too, Bethany has to take and pick up some critters at the vet and you know the adventerous mountain experience.....LAUNDRY! I will have to add a picture later as it is 5:23 am and all good little people are sleeping, so Anna will have to do that later this morning. So for now, good-night or good-morning that is, I better get a little bit of sleep!!!! (yawn)

P.S.****It's mid-morning, I feel strengthened, maybe Terry's idea is working, he said he was going to "stand in the gap for me." .....ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!******


Anonymous said...


I understand the lost of love ones. I lost my parents and grandparents in less than three years and it did leave me feeling despondent for quite a while. Everyone's length of grieving is different.

This is only a suggestion. Have you thought of going to a support group or know someone who has lost a child, where you can pour out your feelings, cry, be prayed over. Call them when you need to talk, pray.

I am praying for you.


Anonymous said...

What you said about your parents wanting you and Terry to wait to get married sounds familiar. My Beloved and I have been engaged for a very long time with no real signs of when marriage will come. We are to wait for the Lord to give my folks the go-ahead. From the mountain peaks to the bottomless tar pits YHWH and His grace are sufficient... now may He help us rest in His omnipotence!
I love what you said it boils down to: "God is in control, I need to trust, have faith for the future, stay under the table and let the tears come as they want, enjoy what I DO have, look forward to eternity, know I am blessed. Come on, flesh, submit!!!" Oh how that sums it up so beautifully!
Thank you for all that you shared! Know that our trials are not in vain! Our Lord is using your sharing of what He is teaching you to encourage many others during their trials! The Lord has been putting you on my heart very often of late and I am praying for you and your family!
(: Philippians 4:4-7 :)

Emma R. said...

I think you summed it up best when you said. "God is in control, I need to trust, have faith for the future, stay under the table and let the tears come as they want, enjoy what I DO have, look forward to eternity, know I am blessed. Come on, flesh, submit!!!

The problem is sometimes the pain in our hearts makes it hard for us to submit. But I know you can do it. You are such a strong woman and you have a strong family backing you. Just know that despite all the hard times that the Lord is always there carrying you.

Just rememember no matter what God's plan for you is, that you are still a good Christian even if are hurting or in pain or doubting things. That doesn't make you a weak Christian it makes you a strong and loving mother!

Hang in there Cindy. You are always in my prayers. I prayed long an hard for you last night and I know that the grey clouds will part soon and sunshine will head your way.


Anonymous said...

You have an amazing and GODLY husband! He is one incredible Man. It is a magnificent blessing and example to see a man who truly does love his bride as Christ loves His!
You are excellent at reverencing and building up your husband! You constantly pour out thankfulness to and for him! Displaying thankfulness and gratitude to a husband can never be overdone!
Although I've only had the blessing of seeing you in person a few times, I watch closely, listen to the observations of others, and am awed by the Light of Christ radiating from your family. Thank you for living out a Christ honoring reflection of marriage!

Anonymous said...

It’s me, the 2nd commenter. Today I was thinking over the refining fires of the past year; plans, hopes and dreams gone or “put on the back burner”; YHWH has something better in mind! Before discouragement crept in, I began listening to “I Am Your Shield” by the Wissmann Family and the Lord gave me a burst of hope, joy, peace, and vigor! It blessed me and I wanted to share!

My child, are you discouraged by the sorrows of the day?
Does it seem that life is crumbling, the skies are turned to gray?
Don’t forget I gave you Promises to guide you every hour.
In the moment of your heartbreak, let Me show you My great power.
And I will be your shield when the battle rages on.
And I will be your light when the way ahead is dark.
I will be your Strong Tower,
And guide you ever hour.
Just place your life completely in My hands.

I know it won’t be easy, I never said it would.
But My grace will always be there, My plans for you are good.
Remember that your weaknesses are perfect in My sight.
Only when you yield them to Me, can I turn them into might.
And someday you will understand why I sent this trial.
And someday you will see the end and know it’s all worth while.