He Thinks About "Me"...

Grocery shopping day, all went fairly well, until I get to certain stores that were apart of Joel's illness and memories of shopping for him and then the forever reminder that he is not here as I purchase one pair of shorts, one shirt and one pair of sandals for Josiah. Josiah will be just "doubly" cute in his new clothes for church! Home now, unload, get some stuff back in some order, fix supper and talk to my friend Kim as we have made an order of Arbonne products. I ordered the anti/age stuff. Don't laugh, there are people alot younger than me that use it. I like the way it makes your face feel, all clean and fresh. Surely that will lift our hearts and make us "beautiful" for our husbands :) Kim is doing well, she even called me and encouraged me with some scripture. Thank you for praying for her!

I read a scripture this morning in Ps. 139:17, How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them. As I thought about this verse I was blessed that the Lord "thinks" about me. He has personal thoughts towards me and my situation. He has thoughts that are precious towards me with my heart and Joel, he has thoughts about me in my present situation as the preg. test was negative but my body is not working normally, he has thoughts towards me as to the burdens I have and the prayers I am praying. I was comforted with the fact that he is thinking about me even if I can not "feel" his presence. I think I need to have "thoughts" about him more instead of the surrounding circumstances. The scripture also says his eye is upon us, so if he has thoughts towards me and his eye is on me, that means he is always near. Such simplicity, yet sometimes hard to grasp it! Thank you Lord, for thinking about me today and all my heart feels!

Getting ready for "Paps" tomorrow! We'll just play around when he gets here and the children will tour him over the farm. Friday morning... chores, packing equipment, we'll eat lunch and the ones going will head out around 2:00 or so to the goat show. Paps will let them take his truck and the rest of us will drive over to Okmulgee Sat. morning. It will be an all day event. I am making preparations to take lunch and supper. It will be nice to be together with grandparents!! My dad is 75, but he still has alot of energy and he puts it in high gear for his grandchildren.

The Lord has blessed our garden this year, we are enjoying it so much. Terry has a "green thumb." He ended up planting about 100 tomatoe plants. I hope they produce, we will can and make spagetti sauce, tomatoes, and make salsa, Lord willing. Josiah bought a shovel with his very own money, a proud farmer!!

I love you Joel, I look with hope of taking up where we left off....remember.... I was holding you!!

Cindy

Looking for Crumbs.....

You never know when you get here if it will be "high, medium, low, med.high, med. low, up or down or what's up.......I guess its not boring!!!! 3:41 a.m. can't sleep, so write......Think, think, think.....I probably do too much!!!

The scripture in Matt.15:25&27, Then came she and worshippped him, saying, Lord help me v.27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from the masters' table. I have had some "Lord, help me times" in the 26 years of being a Christian, but this scripture has a new picture now. These past 18 months, starting with Joel's sickness has brought me to what I picture in this verse, a woman that was desperate, begging, longing, pleading, crawling, searching, desiring even just a crumb from the masters table. If I were to access my spiritual life from the beginning up to the trial/tragedy with Joel I would say I have sailed along in very mild storms, but this one has stripped me, shaken me, brought me to the lowest of lowes. Conversations around here are usually "high content." Sad to say many of them are "what's wrong with mom?" Elijah especially has own "why is Mom not happy radar system."I am thankful he cares about me so much!! So he asks "why can't you be happy ALL the time?" I just look at him, and say "I do not know anybody thats happy ALL the time."Terry intejects with "we might not can be happy but we can have joy in the midst." Elijah then says to name someone that is happy 99% the time, I ponder and I have to say your dad. And it is true, Terry is strong, confident, seeks to be "happy/joyful" 99% of the time. I learn and think in pictures so I picture Terry as this huge boulder out on the ocean coast and with all the billowing waves crashing upon it, he stays put and endures and becomes stronger. I picture myself as what you might see around here "erosion." Trials , difficulties ebbing away at me, feeling like I grow weaker and weaker. As I thought about the two ideas in the verse, one being "Lord, help me" and the other as crawing around on the floor totally desperate, I began to think back over my Christian life and up to Joel, most of the situations I faced were more, "Lord, help me." I will give a few as memory serves. After I was saved, I was a night/and day case, going south and then a straight north turn, fired up and ready to conquer for the Lord. My first "little trial" was I asked my folks about being a missionary and they just thought I needed to start where I was, so I said ok, and off I went through our neighborhood telling others about Jesus. I remember talking to one lady and she said the word "Beelzibub," I had no idea who that was and did not know if she was rebuking him or calling him down on me, but she did not put out my fire and I went on my happy way. Another was as Terry and I were considering marriage and my parents wanted us to wait. We had no idea how long, but it was about 3 months and then they gave us the go ahead.That was a "Lord, help me time." When we were preg. with Caleb and Daniel, some test was given and the results came back that they had spinal bifada or something and gave us the opption of terminating the preg, a Lord, help me time. ( ended up they tested for a single preg. instead of mutiples) When Caleb and Daniel were around 2 or 3, the Lord put it on my heart to make restitution of some make-up that I had stole when I was 10-12. I went back to the building because the actual store was not there and talked to the manager of the store and ask his forgivness for my sin, it moved one there to tears, my heart was made right, so it was a Lord, help me time. Throughout our marriage we have had some tight financial times and been in places of great need, so those too were Lord, help me times. We have had challenges with Terry's work situations and church situations that we certainly begged the Lord for his help. There has been plenty of these times but they all seemed to be short seasons and for a picture, I would say " I (we) just sailed on along." We really have been blessed on the physical side and just had minimal needs there, but I am sure we offered Lord, help me at times. Like, almost 11 years ago I got bit by a copperhead snake on the ankle, like you know pit viper. Went to the ER, I envisioned cut, suc and spit like the cowboy stories and then death, but neither happened. About a week later I found out I was preg. with Joshua so I was all concerned with the medication I was given, but as it happened all was fine. That was a "Lord, help me." I would have to say the only comparable time to the desperate state I feel like now, like this woman, is when I was preg. with Joel and Josiah. I felt lowered and in great need, but I would have to say I felt like I was eating off the table instead of under it. So now, in that verse I picture someone crawling around looking for anything so they can survive. I am so anxious to read in the mornings that I might hear something about how to keep going, looking for continual comfort that all is well with Joel, reading scriptures about God's providence and his purposes that are for our good and his glory AND trying to believe it. So here is my delima, I picture myself as this woman and then when I do not find the "crumb from the Lord," I get discouraged and then I tend to be goverened by feelings and circumstances and that evolves to a rollercoaster ride and that causes Elijah's radar system to go off and then that leads to the high content conversations and then I am back at square one. Terry seeks to wash the word over me, but sometimes I just do not hear it in my heart, its almost like I have to get through it with just me, God and the word. In one sense I guess its good to be in such a desperate place, but I just like to "see" the help, "feel" the help, like Terry says I can not make God do what I want or what I think should be done. I am the creature and I am suppose to live by faith. I think no matter what I write, how I write, changing words here and there, it all boils down to I have a broken heart, God is in control, I need to trust, have faith for the future, stay under the table and let the tears come as they want, enjoy what I DO have, look forward to eternity, know I am blessed, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Come on, flesh, submit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, whats at the first of that verse....she came and worshipped him and then she asked for the help and then she crawled.......help me, Lord!!!!!

My friend Kim is at home recovering as of Sunday afternoon, she did end up having to have a blood transfusion. Pray she will continue to recover physically and the Lord will give grace to their hearts.

"Boy Stuff" around here...dangerous zip-lines, a little less than 100 feet long and 50 feet high, sleeping in tents and on the trampoline. They said if I were to see it, I would NOT approve, guess I better not go but better pray!!!!!! I just found out that info, I think I will have to make some decisions.........

Busy week ahead, Lord willing:) Bethany has a goat show on Saturday, but we were in a delima as how to get there, remember trucky??? We checked in with "Paps" (my dad) to see if he could possibly come up and pull the trailer with his truck. I was a little doubtful since they just got back from S. Carolina, but he said he would. This is a huge blessing for Bethany as this was a double show and one she really wanted to attend. My dad....he's something else, and Shirley too!!! He kinda get into these goat shows:) Grocery day on Wed.,( Working Wednesday is not working, I am going to have to switch to "Make it Happen Monday," or "Tis So Clean Tuesday.") the guys have a busy week too, Bethany has to take and pick up some critters at the vet and you know the adventerous mountain experience.....LAUNDRY! I will have to add a picture later as it is 5:23 am and all good little people are sleeping, so Anna will have to do that later this morning. So for now, good-night or good-morning that is, I better get a little bit of sleep!!!! (yawn)

Cindy

P.S.****It's mid-morning, I feel strengthened, maybe Terry's idea is working, he said he was going to "stand in the gap for me." .....ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!******

10th Street Exit....

Since the word "hate"is not in our vocabulary (except for sin) I will choose another word....I Do Not Like 10th street exit.....when you exit and go to the left, it goes to the hospital where Joel was and if you turn to the right it goes to another hospital. Painful memories that I will only forget when I "exit " this life. I went there to see a dear friend who is 15 weeks pregnant and is in labor with their baby, as they found out today after signs of miscarriage that there is no heartbeat. She had a miscarriage in Nov. too. They are in our home church family and they do have 5 blessings on this earth and this will be the 10th treasure they are laying at the feet of Jesus. Some of their babies have gone to be with the Lord in the first trimester and then they have had some that have been 15 weeks, 20 weeks and one of their sons was born at 29 weeks and lived a short time. Please pray for Kim as she waits for her body to work. I just went to be with her, when I got there we just kind of looked at each other, I did not have any profound words, she actually reiterated the truth more to me than I did to her. We just have to think on things that are true, like his infinite wisdom, his ways are higher than ours. She said something like don't you just try to figure things out? I said if I go there it leads me down a path that makes me more discouraged, and later I thought it takes me away from the truth because I lean on my own understanding and in all my reasonings it does not bring a peace or a satisfaction. I really was at a loss for words, sad to say, and I told her that. You just have to say in your heart thy will be done. Trials.....we are going to have them. I read a verse this morning Ps. 86:8 .....neither are there any works like unto thy works. I do not understand his works, but his works are right. I can not say I have embraced that, I am meditating on it because the scripture says faith comes by hearing and I am trying to speak that into my heart and trusting I will have the faith to believe it.They are a dear family and are committed to the blessing of children. What faith they demonstrate to their own children.

Bethany, Andrew and Terry went to a Goat Workshop today just a short distance away, I think Bethany could do her own workshop, she even probably knows more than what she heard! They had a nice time and even got a bite of goat ice-cream. We LOVE that too, tastes way better than cow milk ice-cream!!! We will be putting that away on those hot days!

Thank you for the thoughtful e-mails and comments, for bearing one anothers burdens, I am going forward, just one step at a time, sometimes I just feel like I sit down and have those "high" emotional moments, then I pick myself back up and slowly trod on. I think I will always having a grieving pack on my back but it is grieving with hope.

May the Lord give us all a day of needed refreshment in his word tomorrow.....I need it!!!

Cindy

Thoughts.....

........your routine in the night....I hear a small voice......"mom, hold you"....I lift you out of your bed.. you snuggle in mommys bed...I hear the rhythm of your breath..I feel your little feet..your hand and legs flop on me...I am going to keep letting you in my bed...you're like a flower folded up in the night....to open in the morning.... I do not know if there will be any more...pregnancy use to come so quickly...Terry says we do not know what the Lord will yet do...I was hopeful this week, but the little stick said "no"....I do not like closures... will keep asking...sometimes I just want to run away from pains and hurts of this life...Jesus says to bring my burden to him...I wonder why I am so wavering...I wonder if the great ones of faith were as wavering as I...faith, feelings, I stay so unbalanced...do others think I should be getting over this...I am not trying to win a race for the most children...I love babies..I love being pregnant...its a wonder to feel a living life inside you...I have a desire for what he has commanded, be fruitful and multiply....why does not he grant it....I have to be content with his will...maybe the desire is there for the children I have in another world....the scripture says I AM blessed....I do believe that...it also says the barren womb is not satisfied...I need to do what I wrote about....thy will be done...hard...I have to have a happy heart even if I feel not...it makes the other children sad...some comfort in the fact that we have recieved all that God has for us thus far...I do not have to deal with regrets of thinking who's missng because of taking matters into our own hands...life's journeys are not always smooth...others have had harder journey's than I...it seems like the Lord is far away right now...I am so immature in the faith...if I only had faith of a mustard seed...I get sad with the Lord...but how can I, He's the one that has my Joel...Terry is so steady in his faith...I thought I had grown up some...would I really want Joel back in this world....I am selfish...will the Lord answer any of my prayers...Mercy says, "mommy at?"... I am here...she needs me...Joel does not need me anymore...tears...help my body, Lord to work right...being 45 could mean its coming to a close...how do I accept that...I can not change it... trust...I do not think I like the thought of no more babies...whats ahead....I was looking for a "token of good" from the Lord...disappointed...I have to think upon the truth....his ways are right....I like seeing things...I 'll have to wait til later,I guess...what am I going to do.....this probably makes no sense....its me....why hide it...there are so many in heaven, is Joel lost in the crowd?....Mercy makes my heart happy....she gets away with too much....she might be the last....I am savoring it....I am writing for the future....I know I will look back and see God's faithfulness....I must look up instead of circumstances...why do circumstances control me?....I am thankful Terry has what I do not...even the children are stronger than me...sounds like I am drowning in all these thoughts, huh?... I will keep pressing on...writing helps....God has already given more than I deserve....salvation....all the rest I have is his mercy and goodness....look to what I do have, not what I do not....do others do that too, or just me?....I miss you Joel....I will keep asking....he says to.....the fruit of the womb is his reward!!!...we have alot of rewards.....thank you Lord!!!!......

The 23rd.....

15 Months Ago....

15 months ago...

Seems like eternity, you know

15 months ago, I saw you take your last breath

I have to trust God knows best

That day, I held you close to my heart

Just like I did at birth, from the start

Your little body endured so much

So many lives your story has touched

I keep trying to see the sunshine in the rain

But my life, my heart will never be the same

As I look at "Siah" your twin

I see you by his side, memories from the begin

I like to ponder adventures you would make

Sometimes a silent smile, cause' I know Siah you would take

Words can not express how much I miss you

Bottles of tears are not a few

I will always have you in my heart

Until this world I also part

Then, in my arms you will be

With the Lord too, for all eternity

I miss you Joel!!

The 23rd, seems to always bring a sense of numbness to my heart, as I reflect the day and all of what we were doing. You , Joel were surrounded with your family, we were right by you as you took your flight. I am remembering today as everyday....

Back Home....

We are all back home, we thank the Lord for safety and for getting the truck back here! Terry said it was limping. We still say no to the King of Syria and are seeking the King of Kings in the truck situation. The goat show went well. Bethany placed 5th in one of her classes with a 6 week old buck. There is potential with the little guy. She posted about it on hers, so you can read all her adventures if you like.

I love two year olds! Mercy is such a joy! Her two year old voice and her growing vocabulary. She tries to say words and sometimes they come out in some of the word form, like yesterday we were up at the swing and I was swinging her and she says "member goat show, member Maggie, member Balley?" My heart leaped as she said that. I talk to her about Joel at different times like when I change her, I say "where's Joel?" and she looks at a picture in our room and says "Joel Morris." I will keep telling her about her big brother and one day she will know him through stories and pictures. I love her two year old little body as she manuvers around, her expressions, her laugh, her voice that calls "Siah" and sounds like Joel saying it. Her two year life is bringing smiles to my heart as I think and reminisce about Joel and his full, healthy two year age of life. In the midst of the greatest heartache of my (our) life there are moments of sunshine and I am grateful the Lord gives these. I read a verse this morning that gives me the energy to keep pressing on, Matt. 13:7, Jesus answered and said unto him, What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter. I think about heaven now more than ever before. I have a treasure there, so that is where apart of my heart is. I look so forward seeing the story in its fullness, now it is through a glass, and it seems so blurry and causes my faith to falter, so looking forward to the "hereafter" one day!

Today we are just trying to get the "billowing laundry" done, fixing burgers for supper and we did a little school. It is in the 80's temp wise and I love this weather. Terry said we need to try to go as long as possible with no a/c, like maybe July.( ****Did I ever say how much I love Terry, well, I love him all the way to the moon and back and never, never stop!! He is the most wonderful husband, he's a great father and he loves the Lord.***) I am tired of being cold, so I think I can gear up for that. I've got to run to town and get out tomatoe and pepper plants. Terry said he wanted about 50 tomatoe plants, I hope they all do good. We had some years they produced well and other times they were a flop. The lettuce and spinach is growing abundantly. If you see ears sticking up out of our heads in pictures, you'll know why!!!! Farm life is sooo wonderful. May the Lord fulfill your hearts desire if you are wanting country life, it is a blessing!!

May the Lord bless you with a good start of the week.......O, by the way Josiah thinks "metal roof" sundae ice-cream is the greatest. (Tin Roof)

I love you Joel!! I hope I get to just sit and hold you as the whole story is told one day!!!!

Cindy

New Family Picture

**** After I posted this and everyone is on the road, I talked to Terry about 4 pm and he said the truck is showing transmission problems, so if you think about it pray they can get to the goat show and return home on Sat. We can deal with the truck hopefully when they get back!!!*****

Getting 14 people to look at the camera, smile and keep their eyes open is not an easy job, but we did manage to get a few pictures out of the lot we took and some funny ones too!(more at the end of the post) We are going to use the first one for the magazine article, the American Family Assoc June issue. Maybe we can figure out how to post it when it is available. Since the trees and lack of folaige was not out for a nice background, we went into Guthrie to the Dominion House, it use to be a childrens home, now a family owns it and uses the facilities for their business, for weddings and banquets and they live there too. Thanks Jeremy and Rita for making the connections for us!!

We are scrambling around here getting ready for all the events of today and this weekend. Bethany had to dash to Stillwater and pick up a few things for the goat show, the guys are to arrive for lunch and then Terry, Bethany, Elijah, Micah, Andrew, Caleb and Daniel will head to Ada, dropping Caleb and Daniel off at the Burnett's to meet up with John-Clay and they will be going to the meeting in Dallas, I am here with Anna, Josh, Jeremiah, Hosie, Josiah and Mercy and Lord willing we will go over to the goat show in the morning early. If the Lord brings it to your mind, pray for safety as we travel in all these directions. Meanwhile we are so busy getting suitcases ready, supper for tomorrrow night when we get home, lunch for Sunday church, making bread and getting sandwiches stuff for the goat show and Anna is working on some desserts. Plus the 45 replacement chicks arrived this morning. I had cut open the box and as soon as I took the lid off, a cat snatched one out and ran around in the garage, I was screaming and finally retrieved it but to no avail. I think there is an anology there, Satan as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. We must be on guard, watching and praying always!! In all the business of our lives Joel is in every breath that I take, he loved adventures and goings. When looking at the pictures of the guys Anna took, it is so easy to envision him somewhere near Siah doing little funny things like he was doing in the picture. In those moments, I have to go back to the scriptures that I have read about the providence of the Lord and know and trust when I am in the state of feeling, of missing, of wanting him here.... so I will share a verse I read this morning in Ps.78:70, He chose David also his servant, and took him from the sheepfolds: From following the ewes great with young he brought him to feed Jacob his people, and Israel his inheritance. Verses like these stabilize my heart and "feelings" from despair, they give me a calm peace that Joel is where he is because he planned and chose it for Joel. Like it says in the verse he was chosen and taken from the sheepfolds, from us, but he was brought to a greater purpose, to feed Jacob his people and Israel his inheitance, to be a blessing, and instrument to his own household and to others. It is so very hard to think that Joel could be a bigger blessing not here than here, but I have to set my eyes with faith on the unseen and seek to rest in his good pleasure being done. So now I look ahead as v.53 says, And he led them safely on, so that they feared not..... He is leadinig us on to Joel and more than that to Himself.

May the Lord grant a wonderful weekend as we enjoy our families, a gift from God, and may he lead us on safely to the desired haven.......

Cindy

Not Going to the King of Syria...

It is cloudy....perfect for a picture but soooooo windy, guess we'll see how it goes this afternoon. Shopping went well. Anna actually went with me, but only briefly as she had a Tea engagement with her Burnett friend, Abbie celebrating her 16th birthday at a Tea Room, very nice time for her!! Made it home, unloaded, cooked supper, Terry planted four 60 foot rows of green beans, and then the day was near done. From the rising of the sun to the going down, may the name of the Lord be praised! I praise him!!

I asked Terry if I could share our "truck" story" and he said I could, hopefully you can follow and it be clear and be a blessing. First for some history...for almost 22 years we have sought to be committed to the truth of not going into debt and owing no man The Lord has provided even "big" things like our house and all the vehicles thus far, he has used wonderul people as a means to do that. I know this might seem strange, especially in the world system we live in, yet we are seeking by God's grace alone to hold to this. Now, not to say it is easy and sometimes we get impatient and want to take matters into our own hand, that is what this story is about, victory when we were weak and expectation to what the Lord can and will do!! In Dec. 06 the Lord provided the resources to purchase a 1995 Chevy truck with 214, thousand miles on it, now it has 260 thousand miles and has some needed attention, but it is still rolling, suprisingly! The guys are saving, but it is slow as of course we have to have daily needs, food, gas to go to jobs and then just your regular expenses of the home. They look and study as to what will meet their needs and they have visited some lots, so they are seeking to have wisdom and getting alot of info. Yesterday when they stopped by a lot, the salesman gave the info of "leasing" the vehicle. They got little information but came home and we just tossed around the idea. There were some positives as you can deduct it on your taxes as a business expense and a few other things. It is not borrowing money, it would be paying for the use of the truck for a certain time with the option to buy it. We did not even get any info of all the "hidden" things so like I said this was just a talking and pondering moment. I really had caution to start with and some others did too. Terry and Daniel were seeing the benefit of how it could be a benefit to the taxes and Anna was adament that we should NOT. Ok, off to bed and of course just praying and asking for direction. This morning I called Terry about something and he said go read II Chronicles 15 & 16, and then he said do you want me to go ahead and tell you? I wanted to know right then, because I read a scripture and was thinking " Oh, what if he got a go-ahead and my scripture said not to, we'll have to again figure out what to do. He proceeded to tell me the story of Asa and how he went to battle and the Lord gave him the victory, then in chapter 16 another battle was on the horizon and Asa thought he needed help from the king of Syria,( v.3) and then in v. 7, And at that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said unto him, because thou hast relied on the king of Syria and not relied on the Lord thy God, therefore is the host of the king of Syria escaped out of thy hand. Terry shared that this was a truth that he thought we should apply to the truck situation, of not to rely on what we could work out with the dealership, ( like going to the king of Syria) but to see the other scripture that is included in this story, v.9, For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him... My scripture was in Ps. 78: 41, Yea, they turned back and tempted and limited the Holy One of Israel. I was so thankful that the scriptures the Lord gave both of us complimented each other and it was so clear, I went before the Lord and said thank you for your protection and asked that he might show himself strong. I also read this verse in Ps. 48:14, For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death. I read it before Terry told me what he read, but the Lord brought it to my mind as I was so grateful for his direction. I like that phrase "For this God is our God." He continues to bring my heart to bow before him. As I read another scrpture in Ps. 138:8, it is so wonderful that all of scripture witnesses to the truth that the Lord wants the very best for us and has that end in mind. The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands. As I read this prior to the conversation I had with Terry, I was thinking this morning how David was confident that the Lord was going to accomplish that which he was maybe praying about, what he was concerned with, he believed, but in the same breath he was showing his own weakness of dependance and pleading God to not forsake him. And what is the beautiful truth that brought this together, its God's mercy as mentioned that is forever. So here is God working his perfect plan and here is man, desperate and needy and here is mercy right in the middle, and look, the word mercy is literally right in the middle of the scripture. Like the scripture says, herein is LOVE! So now we look with hopeful expectation of the great things the Lord will do, not only with the "truck situation" but in all that is before us. I will have to say and I told Terry, and this is in all honesty, I would have almost been embarressed if we had proceeded and got the truck "our" way and to have to say "look at the new truck we got," because I could not bring myself to say the Lord provided it. For our family this is a victory that was brought through the truth of the scripture, it is alive and powerful, never doubt what the Lord can say through it. Somewhat disappointed, but for now we wait, we pray, we hope unto the Lord to show himself strong. And by the way of rememberance, Joel went that evening back in Dec. 06 to purchase the truck we have now, he thought it was so neat to ride in such a truck!!

Now, its after lunch, gotta get ready for the afternoon, take care and know he will be your guide too!!

Cindy

Nevertheless....*(Donut recipe added)*

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee:take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt. Mark 14:36. This is one of the most challenging verses to me, having a hope, and expection that all is possible and then having a rest, trust, confidence all in the same breath. I am not there yet, but I can tell in my spirit I am growing and learning, because I can actually pray that now. Before Joel went to the Lord, I had a hope that God could do the impossible, yet it was almost a demanding prayer, a pleading that he do the impossible. I could not pray "nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt" because I wanted Joel, I wanted him to play with Siah, I wanted him to be in our family and grow up with all his siblings, I had dreams, plans. I did not want the Lord to take him. Now as we have walked in the valley of death and are on the other side, that scripture takes a whole new meaning. I was really afraid to pray that prayer even prior to Joel's illness and even back in our carefree life. I was afraid the Lord might not answer my earnest plea and give me what he wanted instead. That thinking is not true, it does not give witness to God's character, his person, his care for me. I think that is why I enjoy the Gospels so much, they show me Jesus interacting with people, his people and how he shows compassion to them, he helps them and meets their needs. Who am I to say that I know what is best for me or my situation. I have read many scriptures about the providence of the Lord and it has brought truth to my heart that has granted me the freedom to pray that prayer now and not be afraid. The Lord's will is the best. As I make my requests known to the Lord for the desires and longings I have, like for another blessing of fruitfulness, I do not know what the Lord has in mind, I am asking, hoping and waiting, yet now I can have a confidence that the Lord will grant what is best. As I pray for provisions, I seek, knock and ask, but now there is the ability to rest knowing he knows what we need, if we need it and when. The Lord is bringing job opportunities, I do ask the Lord to give favor and give the guys the jobs and work, and can rest assured that the ones we get are the jobs the Lord wants them to do. It is a growing and learning process, I want to continue to be able to say that prayer, but it is a dying and a laying down to myself, my ideas and it is very hard. I cannot imagine not having another baby, my thinking if the Lord does not have any more for us, why does he not remove the desire? But then that very desire is an avenue of my need for him. So sometimes what seems a cross is a blessing. How many analogies could we draw from that, a cross a blessing? I do not always stay upon the truth, there are still those times of wondering and not resting, but I have tasted this scripture and I know that is where I find the most peace and comfort. The scripture in Ps. that talks about, "it was good for me to be afflicted," I can not see the results but I believe it to be true because He is true to his word. His wisdom, his works and his ways exceed my thoughts, plans and ideas!

Busy week ahead, Lord willing! I have to go grocery shopping on Wed. because Thursday they want to go to a Farm Show in OKC and we are going to try to take our picture. Also on Wed. the 45 replacement chicks will get here. Then on Friday Bethany has to get to Ada for a goat show on Saturday.Caleb and Daniel are going to travel to Dallas with John-Clay to a filmakers meeting on Fri. evening returning on Saturday night late, Lord willing. Plus they are building a barn this week. It's funny how things change and it is great at every phase, but we used to hardly go anywhere except for music lessons and grocery shopping. I think the rush, rush started when they went to driving on their own and now with the new job, they have to go do bids and check it out, so someone seems to be going all the time.

There is a little boy that I have been praying for, he had neuroblastoma and has been on hospice for a month or so and yesterday, Sunday he went to live with Jesus. His name is Lane. I do not know them but like you prayed for Joel, I was praying for him.

Also, anyone living on Oklahoma needs to call Gov. Henry's office and encourage him to sign the senate bill 1878 into law. It has to do with the unborn. 405-521-2342

A week ahead of us...may the Lord give us grace to say nevertheless, not my will, but thine!!

Cindy

Here's the donut recipe for those of you who would like to try them. :)

Homemade Franchise-Style Doughnuts

Dough

¼ cup warm water (100 to 110 F)
2 tablespoons rapid-rise yeast (I used regular)
1 ½ cups warm milk
2/3 cup sugar
1 ¼ teaspoons salt
2 large eggs
1/3 cup shortening (I used butter)
5 cups, approximately, flour
Vegetable oil or shortening, for frying

Creamy Butter Glaze

½ cup unsalted butter
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract
4 to 6 tablespoons hot water
1 ounce melted semi-sweet chocolate, melted, optional


In a mixer bowl, hand whisk water and yeast together and let stand for 2 to 3 minutes to dissolve yeast. Briskly whisk in milk, sugar, salt, and eggs and blend. Add shortening and most of flour and blend. Then knead with a dough hook on low speed only until smooth. (it is not necessary to knead this dough a long time).
Remove dough hook and spray dough lightly with non-stick cooking spray. Cover entire mixer and bowl with a large clear plastic bag. Let dough rise 50 to 60 minutes or until almost doubled.
Turn out dough onto a lightly floured surface and gently deflate. Roll to ½ in. thickness, and, using a donut cutter, cut into donuts. Cover donuts loosely with plastic wrap and let rise 20 to 40 minutes.
Heat vegetable oil in a fryer to 350 degrees. Slide in donuts, a few at a time, and fry about 1 minute per side (mine cooked a lot faster then that). Remove from oil and drain on paper towels.
For Creamy Butter Glaze, melt butter and then whisk it in a medium bowl with confectioners’ sugar, vanilla, and hot water. (I had to add more powdered sugar and water ‘cause the glaze was TOO buttery). Smear donuts in glaze.
For Chocolate Glaze, if desired, add 1 ounce of melted chocolate to one entire recipe of Creamy Butter Glaze. Smear donuts in Chocolate Glaze.

Bad Start, Good Ending !

I need to put this day in fast forward and get it over with....not going so well! First I had to go to OKC and see about those shirts and finish my plan with them, for the family picture, because we are are going to have to take it sooner than I had planned. The American Family Association has a magazine that an article of Joel, his journey and our family will be in this June and the young lady we are in contact with says she needs the picture by next Friday. I could use another one, but I just wanted to take one with more spring or summer clothes verses the one we took around Christmas. So I had to go back once again to the western store that brings poingnant memories of Joel. It is a "place" that Joel was at and getting something he treasured and looked forward to, the "cowhat" that he got in Aug.06 and then the boots on Dec. 14, 06. I remember carring him in because he could not walk so well, sitting him down and we tried them on, Josiah his on and we also got two little cowboy shirts. He had them 15 days until he went into the coma, he wore them the day we went back for his second round of chemo, we brought the boots home in his suitcase, but no little feet to fill them, so now they sit on our firplace mantle. I was crying so hard Icould barely see to drive. The hurt is so deep, I cannot explain it unless your a mommy and know it yourself. Maybe I was just ready for a good cry, either way, it was released until the next one. So I got back home and there were a few minor problems with the shirts, (the girls), but I think I can fix that with my serger and sewing machine that I proceeded to use and spent way too long trying to get the needle threaded to my serger, got it threaded and then the needle broke, and no more needles, so I called my neighbor and she said I could pop over and use hers. I go outside to get in the vehicle and no vehicle. I forgot Terry was using one and the boys the other. I went to do some ironing and half way through, I noticed these deep scratches on the wood floor because the little rubber things are gone and the ironing board was rubbing back and forth and left them. So I am waiting for Terry to get back and I still have so very much to do....like fix supper, lunch for church, finish cleaning the house and get others to do their stuff, and cut a few of the boys hair. When I get like this, I do not always respond in the spirit and I do not always have a smile....so I am going to make a decesion and do what this scripture says in Ps. 42, why art thou cast down, O my soul?and why atr thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countance and my God. I need help with my heart and countance, I am going to hope in the Lord and know that this day was not a total failure.

Yesterday the children were playing in the dirt and adding water and you get red clay. They made some beautiful creations. Micah made the little stone with "I Love You Joel" on it. Joshua and Jeremiah made flower pots. I talked to them about how we are the clay and the Lord is a potter and how he wants to mold us into his image, and sometimes the molding procedures hurt, but the finished product will be a beautiful creation!!

Since I started this, things are looking up, the guys got back and they are getting the outside in order and we are making some progress! God is redeeming the day!!! Perspective is my problem!

Oh!!! I have to tell you what Anna made last night.....homemade donuts, they were absolutely the best I have ever had and sorry Mr. Donut man, they passed yours up! Look at the pictures, they even looked great. Our crew was all over them.

Thanks for listening to me ramble today, I feel better already. Have a nice evening.

Cindy

Back in Order !

"Paps"(my dad) has come and gone, it is his custom to pop in and stay a few days and then head out. He always brings lots of laughs and he loves playing games with the children. We were kinda stuck inside due to the rain, but a good time was had by all. They played checkers and rook, read books together and then all of a sudden he was ready to scope the grounds, so out they went and sloshed around outside in between the sprinkles and torrential rain. He and Shirley are a blessing to our family!! So now we are just trying to get all back in order and hopefully have a scheduled day tomorrow.

I will have to say that I have a greater ardor to read the scripture and spend time with the Lord since Joel has his residence in his presence. I look with anticipation of what the Lord might say each day knowing that I have the opportunity to enter in his presence as well and worship in spirit and truth, and just thinking that by doing so I can be in one sense close to the place where my little boy is, to think that my prayers can come before the Lord upon his throne and that Joel is there, perhaps running and singing and praising the Lord, so it is a time that I look forward to. I know as I read, my eyes and heart always are eagar to hear truths and comfort concerning our trial, grieving and healing and how I might learn and grow. Some days days I feel like there is a silence to my present needs, but the Lord feeds me with what I need for that day. I read a scripture this morning in Acts 26:4 My manner of life from my youth up, which was at first among mine own nation at Jerusalem, know all the Jews. As I thought about the first part, My manner of life from my youth up, it brought to my mind of all the Lord has done in my life and to just have a grateful heart to the Lord for his wonderful grace and forgiveness to a very rebellious young person(me) it reminded me of what the Lord rescued me from, the work of grace that was begun in my heart, the restoration and submission that was made with my parents, the great people that the Lord placed in my life to teach and disciple me and then the church family in Ar. that nourished me. It was at that church I met Terry, we started our lives together and then the blessings of children were "popping" out every 17 to 23 months. So to read that this morning brought a heart of thanks. Of course I seem to always think of our journey, what the Lord wants me to learn from it, so as I think of this seemingly permanent wound( I also read something yesterday that helped with the thought) and then what follows a wound, a scar, I was pondering what application I could make....A wound is something that is recieved from an intense situation, a person would have to had experienced something to have one and a scar would be the after effects of that experience, a visual to show to others that they might understand or believe. Jesus had wounds, it was my sin that wounded him and yours. Wounds of sorrow and pain that he took for sinners. He had scars too, Thomas saw them, his hands, his side. To Thomas, the scars were a testimony of who He really was and what He really experienced. I have a wound and a scar, though none like Christ, but I was just thinking how the Lord might allow me, us to be a testimony to others, to give compassion to others that might be seperated from their children, to be a visual to them that we have experienced a trial and we can feel with them. So with our scar may the Lord make it a reminder to me that Jesus has a scar and it is through that scar that I have hope, and may the scar that our heart has, be of some comfort to another as we can share in their grief. Even after a years time, sometimes that wound breaks open, but it is better, I know I will not be totaly healed until I see my Joel and that I look forward to!! So it is the verse in Acts 20: 24 that needs to take place in my heart, ...so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have recieved of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God. May it be so for our family!!

An update on the farm, we have had many chick fatalities....45 chicks have died. I called the hatchery and she said it could have been a bad, weak batch, so they are replacing 45 free of charge. It encouraged me as a blessing that this company would do this. And we only have 3 puppies left, whew!!!! They have to go!! They were $50, then $20 and next is FREE. If you wait a few more days, you can get one free when our add runs out:)

What a huge blessing all the comments were, thank you soooo very much!! I hope you were blessed as you read and got to meet some others too! Your always welcome to share, thank you for continuing with our family. I thank the Lord for you!!!!! I read and met some of you as you have blogs too, your families and children are wonderful and there are some that have challenges, but as I read, I saw the Lord's faithfulness in your life too!! He is true to his word.

The rain held up the guys work a few days but now they are back on job sites, a continued blessing that God provides. My dad gave me a gift of $ 100, so I am trying to get matching shirts/or coordinating to take a belated Easter picture and just a family picture. Thats one of my "things," I love pictures!!! I am also waiting for the trees to get green so we can have a nice background, so it will be a little bit yet.

Have a good night!

I love you Joel!!

Cindy

Questions about tomorrow ???

Getting ready for "Paps"(my dad) to arrive after lunch. Rushing around doing some cleaning and all the chores. The guys had a very long day of work yesterday, they did not get home until 11:45 p.m. Concrete job that was scheduled to be a two day job and was completed in one day and we had lots of rain and hail around 11:15 p.m., so it seemed like a short night. Josiah had a stomach bug yesterday morning or something, but he seems to be feeling better today.

I mentioned in an earlier post of waiting on the Lord to answer some specific prayers, some of them will not likely be answered soon, nevertheless I find myself being more concerned than I should be of how it might all work out. Questions come to mind of how, when, who, and in my mind it can be like a mountain to climb and questions along the way. So this morning I read a few scriptures that will help me to meditate on to know that it will all work out. I am finding the resurrection story to be more meaningful in my heart especially as it is the powerful truth that tells me that I will see Joel again, so I read it more often and as I read this morning I found another application concerning questions that I have for the future of our children. Mark 16:3-4 And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre? And when they looked they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great. So here were some that had questions to an upcoming situation, I do not think questions are wrong, unless they cause us to worry, but if we can turn them into a prayer and look to the one that can answer them, by the time they got there there concern was already taken care of, the stone was already removed. That encouraged me with the thought that in the Lord's time he will order the steps and work it all out. And it says it was very great, so even if "my" situation seems extra difficult, it will not be a problem for the Lord!! Also in verse 7, he goeth before you, I love to hang on to little phrases like this, every word is alive and powerful, that tells me that Jesus is always before me what ever I may face. If I face sorrow, he has been there before me, if I face physical pain, he has endured that pain before me, if I have to be seperated from ones I love, he was seperated from his Father first, if I have to go through temptations, he has gone before me and was tempted in the wilderness, whatever comes my way, he has gone before me and experienced it before I. I was comforted with that thought. It seems the Lord continues to help me along in my grieving, there were two little phrases that leaped out to me as I read in verse 6 he is not here, Joel is not in the grave, he is with the Lord and in verse 7, there shall ye see him, it is there in that city of God I shall see him again. These small truths keep me going and give me hope, because somedays I just seem to run out of steam and throughout the day the tears just seem to fall as I might see Mercy doing something and it reminds me of Joel or conversations I have with Josiah or Hosanna and we talk about Joel and remember when.... Mercy's voice sounds like Joel's when she says "Siah," and when she does this certain gut laugh, she sounds like Joel laughing. It is a happy moment and sad at the same time. The Lord is faithful as we walk on the grieving path. I was thinking the other day, about the "group" I am a member of, until I became a member I did not realize on a daily basis of how many there are in the same group, mommy's that are seperated from their children through a death. I have read about more children that have died with NB alone (not counting all the other horrible diseases and illness) in a years time than in my whole life. Of course I was not even aware of NB until Joel, but really have not had but maybe one or two other families that suffered a loss of a child that we even knew. Being a member of this "group" has made me more aware to pray for others and to be able to share the comfort I have been shown with others that the Lord has comforted us with. It was a group that was planned and prepared that I, we, be a member of so it is in that perspective I can know that the Lord is working in ways that are too wonderful for me to know all of them. I still miss him, I still cry, I still yearn to hold him and take care of him....he can not come to me, but I will go to him!!!

Guess I had better go and do "my" stuff, as the children are working and here I sit. Gotta figure out something yummy to fix for supper. Oh, I was going to see how many people are out there reading this blog, would you be willing to drop us a comment, it can be anomymous if you want or leave your name, either way, and just say "hi from Texas," or where ever you are, I do not need names anyway. Just curious. Thought it would be fun too!

Anna had the idea from another blog she reads. Hope you will participate!!

Have a good start of the week!!!! * Since I posted earlier, we are getting such sweet comments, I know I am encouraged and I know you will be too!!! Thank you for participating!!

Cindy

( thought you might like to see some surroundings... the picture of the long road is outside our front gate and Anna was standing up around the cemetary when she took it, and I am so thankful it is so close to our house. and then you have our front entry cedar archway driveway to our house and then the picture of our house, the gravel road you see right in front of the house is a road up to the barn. And Hosanna has her own beautiful flower bed!!!

Saturday Stuff !

We made it back from the goat show. Bethany did not do great but she was at least noticed by the judge, and she got 8th out of 25 in her class. Andrew did not place, but he did a great job and his goat showed well. We only showed two this time as Bethany has to get some more papers sent in, so by the next shows we will have more possibilities. It is just great to be together as a family although when these adventures come I tend to "sigh" alot. Just seeing Josiah bounce around in his little "cowhat" and boots, knowing Joel would LOVE all that was going on causes somewhat of a pain that strikes to the wound that is there. I want to get to the place of looking at Josiah and be grateful and I am to a point I guess, but I also think about "whats not." I need a continious flow of gratefulness springing up instead of little "spurts." I have never journeyed this path so maybe it has to do with time....I do not know. I just keep asking the Lord for his mercy because I do not know if I am at the place I should be in all this. I find myself thinking "what's not" in other areas too, so I think I need to learn to be grateful. I wonder why I (we) look at so much of the what's not, the not done, and the wished I had, instead of the wonderful blessings, the joy of being together, the provisions that we DO have, the blessings that are too numerous to name, and be grateful for the 3 years 4 months and 10 days with Joel and to not dwell on the 30, 40 ,50 years I wish I could have had with Joel. O Lord help my heart to become more pleasing to you instead of pleasing myself!!! I read a scripture in Ps. 65:13 The pastures are clothed with flocks, the valleys also are covered with corn; they shout for joy, they also sing. That verse right there is what is happening in front of me and I need to do what it says, shout for joy and sing and push this "what's not" attitude out!!

We made it back in time for Terry to work in the garden. Our ground has corn covered beneath its surface just today....Terry and his helpers got it in. Eight 50 foot rows. Terry calculated around 900 ears IF THE LORD IS WILLING! We can plant but it is the Lord to give the increase. It is wonderful to be able to just go out and pick stuff for a fresh salad.

We got a few more things done today..Elijah had to go get some more hay, cleaned baby chicks pen out and the van. Getting everthing ready for church meeting tomorrow, and I think someone is coming to get a puppy here in a little while. We sold one yesterday. Anybody need one? (Interesting... these two people came after I prayed for the puppies to sell, oops I forgot to ask the Lord to sell them!!) And in the midst of all the work we have two fellas that are getting rid of our wasps, Joshua and Jeremiah are dropping them one by one with their BB guns. Sounds pretty dangerous!!

Our guest Danielle will be heading back to her home tomorrow after church. It has been great to have her here. She fits in like one of the rest and helps and serves. Now we are gearing up for another visit, from grandparents, my dad and his wife Shirley(both of their spouses have battled cancer and are now with the Lord) are coming on Tuesday. We will have Monday to revamp and clean up around here. The children LOVE to be with their "Paps." I am so thankful he comes so often as it is so hard for us to travel, with all the animals and people:)

Enjoy your day with your family tomorrow and may the Lord give us hearts to worship in spirit and truth.

I love you Joel, and miss you!!!

Cindy

Joshua is 10 !!

Joshua, our "big brave" is 10!!! Yestersday April 2nd, and he is the first one to come ON their due date!! He had a a fun day starting with Anna's delicious breakfast of Cream Cheese Danish which was his request. He opened a small gift which was a 300 piece Noah's Ark puzzle. It was somewhat of a long day for Josh as waited for his brothers and dad to get home in the evening to have his party, but he made it! It was exciting for the children to get their "fringed indian shirts on, paint their faces and get their headbands on, Josiah really liked all of that!!His birthday meal was "our cow" Steak Fahita's, and Fiesta Dip with chips. Our family does not really like birthday cake so Joshua picked a brownie pie with ice-cream and hot fudge sauce, Anna did a great job in pleasing our birthday brave! The children had Joshua must have been talking to some former "cowboys" because he got a BB Pistol, a holster and a sharp knife. I told him to be careful with all his weapons!! Joshua is a blessing to our family as he serves others, he empties the dishwasher everday, helps Bethany with a few goat chores, helps clean the livingroom, has outside chores each day, and he loves to help Bethany with her dog, Duffy. He is very creative in drawing 3-D pictures, especially houses, and he can work puzzles quickly. I think he might be the architect while his brothers and dad build it!!! Sounds like a good plan. When Joel was with us here, Josh enjoyed playing with him, especially outside on the trampoline, pretending cowboys and indians and making mud stuff! We hada great day and NOW we have a birthday break until June!

We have been having adventures with our guest, Danielle. THEY are staying up late, we have had some ping-pong games, they have taken Danielle on a journey in the pasture and tested her abilities of climbing over treacherous piles of brush, and tonight we are visiting another family that she knows and we know too at their house. So we are probably in for a long night!

I think we are due for some more storms:( Hope you have a "Thankful Thursday." And YES the house is all clean and it went so smooth and we got it done alot faster than last Wed., so I told Anna I need to put more on the list!!!

I love you Joel and miss you!!!

Cindy