Some Days....

Well..... thanks for all the "fun" with the last post, your comments and e-mails made us laugh too!! How bout sending me some of you now!!!!!

A very sunny day but cold outside...... thats how I "feel." I do not know how many ways a mommy can write this....I MISS MY JOEL!!!!! "Knowing and feeling" are in constant war. Sometimes I just keep waiting for it all to be better, I think I am crying more now than last year. Maybe I was so numb last year and now the reality of it all is here, I do not know. You might say, its been a year now, why can't you just get going. My life, our life has been turned upside down and it is just flat hard. I know I have posted words that say I am going forward and strength is there and those are true words but some days it is harder than others and if you have not been here, you do not just get over this. It's very hard to look at things that you cannot see. Some days faith is just small and feelings are the giant. Some days it just seems that Gods voice is silent. Some days you want to go back in time and be the complete happy family that once was with Joel. Some days you would like the Lord to speak out loud to your heart. Some days you want answers. Some days its difficult to rejoice. Some days you want to scream from the pain your heart feels. Writing helps me to say what my heart feels, this is for me, making all these statements that seem like mumbo jumbo and people do not understand the bog you "feel' like your in. Some days my own children do not understand, it was their brother, but not their son, one that grew within and was apart of you. Now that I have poured out some of the feeling of the day, Lord willing I will keep putting one foot in front of another and continue on. I have to get the knowing to be the giant in front of me. God will see me through, he is faithful, his grace is sufficient for whatever we face. I will go on....

Maybe the hamburgers and a good cold Pepsi will make it better:) We are putting away the meat! I gave a report of what remains and the crew cannot believe how much we have ate already! Take a family of four, they might cook 4 T-bones verses 12 T-bones like we cook. It has been provision and we are grateful!

Saturday was such a beautiful day to begin with, by evening we were preparing the storm shelter for possible tornadoes and then on Sunday it snowed in the morning. On Saturday, the children got this huge tarp and were having what they called like being in a tornado. You got on the tarp and the wind was blowing so hard, it bounced you up and everywhere on the tarp. They then tied it to the snow sled and were pulled along. It has always been unusual fun around here with objects that are not really "toys." I found out that Joshua was bounced so hard on the tarp he came down to the house because he hit his head on the ground....I said very adamantly that we do not need anymore head injuries!! They did say after that a helmet was used!

See Josiah's picture with his holsters.... he looks sweet, I am glad it all worked out that we got the cap guns. I guess in eternity it does not matter about guns but about how we respond and how we love, sacrificially or selfishly. He has had fun and that will be a memory for him!!

Maybe this post sounds so blah, because I am thinking of Mercy's 2nd year of life coming up and that reminds me of Joel's full two year of health that he had before the short three year, it seems like everthing brings a memory here or there, or because I have bee reading about so many children that have died lately from NB, or they are fighting so desperately and that makes me sad to think of these families and the pain they have too. If you have ever done any research on NB it is a very aggressive cancer, most of the time by diagnosis it has already metastasized. I suppose as with any disease you just want cures and especially for these sweet children. One 7 year old I read about yesterday went in for regular chemo and after some tests neuroblastoma had spread and there is nothing else they can do, so the parents get to watch their child die, maybe days , maybe weeks, but the end will come far too soon. Maybe I should not read these stories, but then again I seek to pray for these families, the hurt, the inevitable. The sad news is that there is no cure for relapse NB, and most of the time that is the course it takes even if a child has been NED(no evidence of disease) for a year or sometimes two. It is a monster that moves too fast.

Congratulations to MICAH.....he has beat the bad habit of biting his nails and was rewarded $40.00. Way to go !!!! He went a month to reach his goal!

Josiah is our "Spring Lookout Observer." He asks almost everday, "how many days to spring"? He can hardly wait for the day when I say it is today! Maybe we should have a party? Ideas are under way for Mercy's and Andrew's party. I put this up the other evening to arouse curiousity and anticipation. (down at the bottom of this post) I love birthdays.

Thanks for your ears....I feel better already from just writing.... good therapy! I am going to trust and rest that its all for our good, even though it hurts and tears fall. Have a good night and stay warm, snow predicted again tomorrow.

Cindy