Wednesday, September 2, 2009


It has been so "fallish" here the last few days. It feels crispy. My senses are heightened. When I go outside I smell things, but I smell "two different time frames of life." I smell things of when Joel was here and I smell things that are in a way "new" smells of being without him. When I smell the goats, it reminds me of the State Fair and goat shows. Joel did not get to go to any of these with us. When I smell a fire, it reminds me of Joel, because he was here for many wiener roasts. When I see leaves that are falling to the ground, it reminds me of him wearing shorts, cowboy boots and a jacket. Its like "two" different lives, two different smells. Does that make any sense??? I read a verse, For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name"s sake lead me, and guide me. Ps. 31:3 The "lead me and guide me," caught my attention because it made me think of "the two time frames," that I feel like I live in. The one with Joel and now the one without him. Likely the real meaning of both the lead and guide are the same yet I pictured it in my mind as two different things. With "lead" I picture the Lord continuing beside me, wrapping his arms around me, gently leading me on through the valley of death, helping me to make it through each season as it changes and all the reminders of Joel. The "guide" when I looked it up has the meaning of "run with a sparkle." Its like the "new smells" I was describing. I smell things that do not have to do with Joel in a sense and I liken it to this meaning of guide, the new things and future. I picture the Lord now "guiding" me, like He's a little bit ahead and waving his arms and saying, "come on, exciting things ahead!"which causes me to want to run with a sparkle, with anticipation of whats ahead, that in the new smells, there is cause for happiness. He leads me, but He is guiding me to the new life of now being without Joel. So its like I am establishing new smells and feelings. I will always have these "two" sets of feelings, the one before and the one now. I have no idea if I am communicating in a way that you can interpret, maybe its just one of those "only another mom with a child dying can relate thing."

Joel's rosebush is unfolding. I am still amazed of the unusual "two buds only." I asked the Lord what story I might see in it. The only thought that keeps coming to my mind is "Two." There will always be two, Joel and Josiah, twins. That thought also rolled into what I what trying to say above, the two time frames, the two feelings and smells. The Lord brought to my mind the poem I wrote awhile back, "Two."

Two little boys
Abounding joys
Two knit together in one secret place

Touching, nursing, a warm embrace

Two sweet smiles
Only one for awhile
Two dirty faces
Exploring farm places
Two little jeans, all worn out
Yes, there were even two little pouts

Two trucks and tractors to play

Laughter and cries throughout the day
Two little blankets, soft and blue

Your naps together would be few

Two in a bath, getting all clean

I wish I could awake and this be a dream
Two birthdays, balloons and treasures
Your family gathered, a love unmeasured

Two hugs and faces smothered with kisses
One hug, one kiss, the other my heart misses
Two boots and hats, cowboys you are
Days are numbered, eternity not far

Two little boys equals four feet
Two would be travilin', Jesus to meet

Two little boys the story is told

One in Jesus' lap he holds
Someday the addition will add up again

One plus one equals two, like the begin!!
I love you still!!!

Seems like we got so much in the making and coming up. Bethany is trying to work it out with her dear father to have Elijah take her to San Angelo for a goat sale. She really does need to buy a Boer Buck for this breeding season, but a family is suppose to come and practice on Saturday and they are suppose to play and sing with them at their church in Tulsa on Sunday, so its all up in the air as how to get all this together and Terry needs desperately to go the Farmers Market Sat. morning. We have sooooo many squash and zucchini. Then on Mon. we are suppose to get together with families for Labor Day and I need to start school Tuesday, so you see its busy! In eleven days its Joel and Josiah's birthday and I am really trying to be ok with that, its more the lead up to it, usually the day of is very good. Just all the thoughts of what was all taking place almost 6 years ago, anticipating their birth and of course not knowing at the time, he would only be here for 3 years, remembering his last birthday with Josiah when they turned three and I could go on and on with how fall is the beginning of the season with Joel's illness. Times, season, dates, I am one to remember everything and it affects me, it brings me to remember that he was, but now he is not. It goes back to the "Two frames of life."

Well.....Terry's sister, Tami and children are still here and we are planning a wiener and chili dinner later this evening. Dave and Kate are going to come and entertain us:) I wonder what he'll wear????? What a guy!!!! He should write a book about his life. Born in Guam, his mother died, the death of his mother was extremely hard on his dad and he left, Dave was in many foster homes, even in jail because the foster system did not know what to do with him, he's been in a plane crash, he has killed lots of snakes and he wears flip flops ALL the time, he started his own business and has employees in many parts of the world, he works at home, he's super funny and he loves the Lord and most certainly loves his wife......he kisses her ALL the time and he can still wear the same "boy scout suit" (picture with Micah) he wore when he was 15-16, so that means he eats well to be so thin!! Love them, love them......he and Kate!!!!

Ya'll are pretty great yourselves, to keep keeping up with our crew...........


Emma and Mommy said...

Your poem is beautiful. I always love when you share your thoughts on your precious Joel. It really warms my heart.

It has felt fallish hasn't it? I am loving it. Fall is my favorite time of year.

Teena said...

I certainly understand the *two*~ although nothing like what you have walked through. It ministered to my heart. I think it is great about the roses... a God thing... I love when He does that.

My Wesley is 6. He was 6 in July. Our Wyatt is 7... they are 17 months apart and at times much like twins.

I love love love when you talk about Joel... and Josiah.

Your faith/testimony ministers to me so very much.

It's been two years for my dad. I think about these years without him... how my boys have grown and they were 4 & 5 when Papa went to be with Jesus.

I too, think of the smells... fall came right after he went to be with Jesus... and when summer comes that was when he was sick and then died. I also understand the *up to the day*... as my Dad died on Wesley's 4th birthday so THAT day is good as we celebrate Wes' life... but ... the time up to it... remembering.

This journey... is hard at times and I ask Him to give me MORE grace. I am thankful for this blog. I am thankful for your friendship.