Mercy and I are at the swing this evening and this is how our conversation went.............
Mercy- " Balley loves to swing."
Me- " oh, he sure did love to swing."
Mercy- "mommy misses him."
Me- "I miss him soooo much."
Mercy- "do you want him here?"
Me- " I wish he was here with us."
Mercy- "I was a baby, he kissed me."
Me- "you were a little baby and he loved to hold you."
Me- "Balley had cancer and he died."
Mercy- "he did not die."
Me - "what happen to him?"
Mercy- "he's at his house."
Me- "where is his house?"
Mercy- "in heaven."
She brings him up in conversation often all by herself. It cheers my heart to talk about Joel, even with a 3 year old little girl whom I wished new him and could enjoy the fun times here on the farm. I fight my flesh so often in thoughts, "this is not fair, this should not be," and so much more. Sometimes I find myself thinking things, like cliche's that I really would not say out loud yet my heart seems to be screaming it. I want to say sometimes and maybe re-phrase a bit what Martha said as Jesus was getting ready to remove the stone at Lazarus' grave. She said, "he stinketh." I want to say "this stinks." I read a testimony of a lady who's son died at age 9, and here 31 years later she is still having "hard days." There is no way around this, there is no other route but to keep walking through and keep seeking grace, mercy and enjoy what he hath done. I read a verse in Song of Solomon 2:17, Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn my beloved..... I have to live in the now but I look and wait for the "until." One day, the day will break and the shadows (of death that lurk at my heels) will flee away. We went and "decorated" his little grave this evening.......I wish it was not so, I want to be decorating his cake, smoothing his little yellow hair to the side......I will keep keeping on, by HIS grace!!
Big news for Anna. She passed her road test today!! We now have 7 drivers now!!! Its nice to have others run errands. Kate came over and we went in their little car. We have soo much that does NOT work on the van, it would not pass the test!! On the way home we stopped in Lowes and I got a few more flowers for our bistro patio I am working on. I just love sitting out there!! And thanks to a dear friend in Bulgaria, who had a part in making my little sitting place so lovely!!
The guys are soon to arrive, they had a late night of work but at least they are pretty close and we can get back to our nightly routines.
I have to end with a "happy story" since I started with a more somber one. I was in the bathroom a few nights ago brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed and Mercy is waiting outside the door and just talking and jabbering. She says to me," I love you really, really LOUD!!!" How can they come up with such beautiful sayings and they grab your heart. I will never forget what Joel said one evening as I sat at the computer after we had our first round of chemo, he came up and hopped on a stool beside me, threw his arms around my neck, snuggled in real close and said, "your so cute!!" I love him still!!!
The guys have arrived......they are hungry as bears.....Anna made dessert....they will love it!!!!