My Identity.....

It is not "feelings" that keep me moving forward in this trial, it is the truth of scriptures. You might question as why I keep speaking of "this trial" since it would seem its over now since Joel is no longer here. It will be as Jacob (Gen 37:35) said, "For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning." Joel's journey is over and complete but now its the journey of continued grieving, of seeking to trust, of battling the enemy in my mind so it is still a trial, a very real one! So if one was to succumb to the feelings, one would surely be defeated. The grieving road and what our family has already walked through is a very dark, lonely place. You wonder where God is, if He knows your circumstances, if He knows where you are, if He can see you individually, if He knows your family. You want to know that God sees you personally and that He is not looking on a general group of people and grace and mercy is thrown down and if you happen to be in the right place, you get some. No, I need God personally! When I read this scripture in John 11:1, Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha, what comforts the Lord gives. He knows whether a man, woman, child. He knows the certain one. He knows them by name. He knows where we live. He knows our family and He knows the relationships we have with each other. I can taste this scripture to my thirsty heart and find deep comforts that He knew a certain little boy named Joel that was sick, he knew that we lived on our little farm and delighted in the joy that we have as a family, he knows all the brothers and sisters of Joel and He knows and knew that I am Joel's mommy and the deep feelings a mommy would and does have for her little boy. All this distinct information denotes that even down to a name the Lord knows me, us, our family personally, individually, that we have a certain identity to Him and everything about all that we have gone through and now as we continue processing and grieving, it is known of Him. So whether in your own life, man, woman or child, whether its a sickness, financial or whatever burdens, trials we face it is all personally known before the Lord. It is truths like this that I can take a step forward.

We are staying pretty busy around here, the guys have been hindered with the rain so next week looks like another "figuring out for us here!" It will be so wonderful to get this job over with and they can be back working closer to home!! Bethany is busy doing all she can to rake up extra resources for a Nubian Buck for her girley herd. Today she is baking for folks and delivering! I think she's gonna have to "twist" some big brothers hearts and arms that work on "big" jobs and get paid so she can add to the savings. Just a side note of how much Bucks can cost, of course this bit of info is not in our league but interesting. Remember the Boer buck she purchased last fall for her Boer herd, (meat goats) well the farm she got him from recently had an auction getting out of the business due to health and they sold their top Boer buck for $42,000. Thats hard to imagine!!!

I have a few errands to run and then get back so Baker Girl can deliver her goods!!!