Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Privelege Agony......

I have two words that describe perfectly this trail......." Privilege Agony." It encompasses both aspects of what I feel. Yes there are so many privileges, I am privileged to be Joel's mommy, to have him here with us 3 years, 4 months and 10 days, I am privileged to have had a wonderful preg and home birth, to have so many sweet memories of him as he enjoyed his family and farm, but also I am privileged to be able to give back my "alabaster box," that which is so precious, to the One who is worthy. The agonies still exist, the tears, the pain in my heart of missing him, of everyday when I see Josiah doing this or that, knowing Joel would be right there doing it too! Thank you Lord for the priveleges and have mercy upon the agony.

Mercy's 3rd birthday is next week, the 19th and Andrew's 13th birthday is on the 21st. I do have some ideas so that is a relief. Somewhere amidst 13 childrens birthdays you have to overlap on ideas and I am going to borrow from Joel and Josiah's first birthday for Mercy....A "Farm Baby Party!" Since we are getting our chicks this week and suppose to have baby goats in a few days and it just seems like a Mercy party, we'll go with it!! I have to tell you I have so many thoughts and feelings as she gets closer to her 3rd BD, Lord willing. I am ever so thrilled and thankful to get to do a 3 year old again, I think the age 3 is my favorite, I love the ability they have to communicate and still the needing of mommy! I love the personality and expressions that come with the talk and telling of play and adventures they have, I love the way they can now communicate love to others. Mercy was laying in the bed with me the other night and I told her "I loved her sooo much," I was trying to communicate to her "how much," and so she did the same with me, her biggness of expression of love was, " I love you 2 1/2!!!" I feel so blessed to be able to hold and touch a 3 year old again, it will bring sweet and tender memories of a three year old litle boy. I am having such vivid memories of Joel and Josiah's 3rd birthday, it was so perfect, we were a big happy family,( still are) Joel, so happy and healthy, not a trace of anything, to think in about 3 weeks after his birthday the unknown fevers began and then all that came after. Life can change in a matter of seconds. I am just "feeling" the 3rd year of Joel through Mercy's approaching birthday and its a happy and sad feeling. Always needing His grace in the joys and in the sorrow.

It's late/early isn't it? I got up to check the weather and make sure it was just thundertorms and not tornadoes!!

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