Friday, November 21, 2008

My Heart Hurt Today.....

There are so many whose wounds are much fresher than mine, for the first while it seems so open and so very painful, then it seems to get scabbed over a bit and certain memories, smells and sights re-open it and it bleeds for a bit and then the balm of scriptures suture it back up for a time....I can not think for a moment that it will ever be a scar and not bleeding at bled today....I went out Christmas shopping for the children with the money their Paps sends each child. I was able to get all of Hosanna's, Josiah, Joshua, Anna, and Mercy's done. The Christmas and Thanksgiving are so difficult with all the memories with Joel. When Joel was in the hospital for the first round of chemo, he received so many gifts and one was a singing stuffed thing that looked like a white monster, maybe his name was Brumble??? anyway it played the tune "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas," I remember so well the children pressing that button over and over again to make it play, that's probably why we no longer have it, but Joel would raise his arms up and sway back and forth and sing the song in a way that was so sweet, adorable and would just make you smile with his animation he gave to the little show. Last year I regretted getting rid of it and searched all over the internet looking up everything from white bear to the song it sang but to no avail. I was sad! So today as I was out I thought I might look again at some of the places I went, and guess what I found it, the white thing and it sings the song. I pressed the button in the store and I had no idea what I was bringing upon myself.......tears, emotions visions and remembrances of Joel doing his little show. My heart was raked wide open and it was bleeding profusely. I was able to get out of the store but I did not purchase it (yet) I wanted it so badly, it was a connection to Joel yet I could not get it at that moment. I even called Anna and asked her if I should.....After driving home and my emotions settling, I am planning on going back and getting the thing. One more thing happened at Sams, I saw a little boy he was probably 10-11 months old, and when I saw him from the back sitting in that cart, he looked like Joel, round head and wispy, static, blonde, blonde hair. I had to move around the front and look at his face, but it was not a Joel face but I was bleeding again......I absolutely miss him so much, I always will, some days are just extra painful. The Lord has given me days that are so full of grace, not saying he shorted me today, but the mommy heart was just desiring her little boy. It's crazy things your mind thinks, in my mind and heart say it time to come home now, you have been gone long enough. I do not think I am whinnying, I am just facing a pain that was so very real today. There are so many out there that are in fresh trials and adversities and I will testify that He is faithful, it is given unto us to suffer and we must drink the cup that He gives though it be bitter, but He also gives us of the vines, the clusters, that are so rich and sweet......I love Him.

We are heading over to out neighbors David and Katelyn this evening to eat dinner with them and have fun I know!!! The guys are expected back late tonight, Lord willing. Tomorrow will be a busy Saturday, taking some cows to the vet, Anna is going to exercise her photo skills and take some family pictures of some friends of ours, the older boys are doing paintball and paying themselves!!!, and gettng things ready for our home church. Oh.....I am looking for board games or card games to stock up on for the winter, anybody have any good ones that you really like?? We love the card game Dutch Blitz, it is fast action, you could google it, but its great family fun

Have a fabulous Friday evening!!!



Anonymous said...

Hello - I read your blog but have never commented before. I really enjoy your life-sharing.

Please know that tonight you will be prayed for by a military wife way out in Kansas who cares when sisters-in-The-Lord are hurting.


sumi said...

Ahhh...the Christmas shopping. I am dreading that part. It must have been so bitter-sweet to find Joel's Brumby (?) again. I am glad you did though...Jesus must have known that you just needed that tangible link to Joel's memory.

Today was a sadder-than-most day for me too. I do think the time of the year with all the holidays and the special family moments play into it.

HUGS, Cindy. Praying for you...