Monday, June 23, 2008

Remembering Joel Today....

For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted;neither hath he hid his face from him;but when I cried unto him, he heard. Ps.23:24

Its the 23rd once more.....17 months since I last saw him, touched him...there are not any words that are able to describe what that "feeling" is like, only by experience can one know the depth of hurt that penetrates your heart.The Lord will hear my cries today. There are so many happy, wonderful memories of Joel, but the last day we had with him is wrought in my mind and it hurts. To look at the machines and see the numbers fall from his heart dropping and your mind is going so fast, thinking... 70 then to 40 then to 30 and then 0.....then a beeeeep!!!!! All the machines become quiet but the lamentations are heard throughout the room. I get to hold him for the first time in 20 days, but he's not warm anymore, he's not there.....I want to hang on to every memory, but that last day is so dark. I think it is just a mommy thing, I still have the feeling of wanting to do something for him on the 23rd. Most of the poems I have written have been posted on the 23rd for Joel (Joel's Poems on the side bar) I did not write one today but I am going to do something special in another way, I am going to get some flowers and plant them on his grave, and anything else that I might see today as I go out shopping. I miss you Joel, I am going forward because that is the way to see you again.....I love you still even in death, your my little boy forever!!!! I miss you for "Siah" and all the twin things I know you would be doing like Caleb and Daniel did. I miss you for Mercy, she looks at your picture in our room and says "Joel Morris." I ask her where you are and she says "in heaven with Jesus." I miss you when we have special times like daddies birthday, I know how you would be pushing your way through to be in on the celebration, I miss you on the farm, O how you would love all the new babies and animals. In some ways I wish you back, yet that is every parents prayer for their children, that they would have heaven as their home, we just want a long life here with you first. I love you!!!!

Terry's birthday went well, it was so good to be together since the guys have been gone so much with work. His provision of work has been a blessing. We fixed Terry a big meal for the evening and Anna made a great dessert for him. (pictures below)

I am off to go shopping now, in the little car again, it ended up the van had more problems than we thought, the whole engine had to be replaced, so sad, but I guess it is less money than the purchase of another one. The Lord knows, even about vans!!!

May the Lord give you all a good start of the week today!



sumi said...

Hugs to you today, Cindy. I hope you managed to celebrate Joel the way you wanted to.

I wrote you an email about a week ago and never sent it because the server was down. I will send it to you tonight. :-)

I never quite know what to say when I leave a comment because my heart and my mind fail to communicate the way I want them to. But I just wanted to say I am here, I can relate all too well, and I am praying for you.

much love,

sumi said...

Oh, and the food looks yummy, by the way!