Monday, June 9, 2008

The Good, The Bad , The Ugly !!!


The good...... the guys made it safely to their job site and are working away, we have a rental car in case we need transportation, we had a great time at the farmers market on Saturday, they sold all the green beans and more if we had had them, they brought home some of the potatoes and onions (maybe 10-15 # each) our friend David gave the family Photoshop, Bethany is very excited about that!! and the Burnett family is going to come visit us on Thursday!!!

The bad......the van has engine problems, we do not know the depth of it yet:( , now my vacuum broke (so what) and we are kinda bored with all the fellows gone.....

The ugly.......Me, my heart, my attitude.....sometimes I am at a loss for words, sometimes I don't feel like writing simply because, how many times do I repeat myself, I even get tired of reading my own words, I get tired of staring at this grief, I wish I did not even ever have to have this blog to give out info on how Joel was doing, I wish I was not on this journey, I wish I had that "whole feeling," I wish my heart was not broken.....but even in this ugly stuff I am trying to have hope, I am trying to believe, I am praying and begging the Lord to make something beautiful out of this cross. I am trying to hope because I have read these scriptures.....Thou shalt see now whether My word shall come to pass unto thee or not (Num. 11:23) Thus saith the Lord; refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded v.17 And there is hope in thine end (Jer31 16-17) but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit (Jhn 12:24 and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit (Jhn 15:2)...but I have chosen you and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit (Jhn 15:16) There are many more, these are ones I have read just lately. To be honest I find it hard to believe, my feelings are bigger than my faith right now and I feel disappointed with the Lord, I want to "see" something, I do not think I have come out a better person through this, I really feel like I am more unkind, less patient, my joy has sure gone, so what has all this done for me?? I want to get to the places the Lord wants me to be at, but HOW??????? Right now I am an ugly mess!!! I am not going to pretend to be something I am not for now, I feel like I am in a great battle with the enemy and I am getting beat. I know things in my head, I just can not seem to carry out the battle plan. I have got to soak myself with the truth, my ears are hearing things about the Lord that is not true and I have not stood against it, I have certainly let my feelings feed on these lies. It's late now, I could not write earlier, the children were having fun, but I could not think, and now I am probably too tired to continue, so I'll get to bed and hopefully rest with thoughts on the truth and be renewed in my mind tomorrow!!!

May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you....goodnight!!!

Cindy

10 comments:

Paulette said...

Its so good to talk about the grief. It certainly is not going to be easy to let go of for sure. Might I suggest a physical support group for you so that you can meet with other parents who have lost a child? At least you would be able to relate and have others to share with? there is something said about sharing grief with others who have gone through the same experience,I know you have a big family but you are the mother of all who is a huge nurturer, I believe it would help nurture your soul.

Paulette said...

sorry that line says, I know you have a large family and you aren't alone but we as mothers tend to nurture everyone else and sometimes we miss out on what we need, a support group for grieving parents may be helpful to you. Hope this makes sense.

sumi said...

An honest heart is never ugly to God: He requires truth in the inward parts and he seeks those who would worship him in spirit and in truth.

He knows our frame and that we are dust. I think you can pour out your heart to him and he will patiently listen without judging you, but will love on you instead.

I know it is not always that simple and it is hard when our feelings are screaming out, but I also know that God wants to wrap his arms around you and give you a big hug! Even if you have to beat at his chest with furious tears until you collapse exhausted in his arms.

I think he really understands and he can handle our ugly feelings. I think he'd rather want us to be real with him than put up a fascade. It is all part of working through all the turbulent emotions that comes with such a big loss.

I didn't mean to write a book, got carried away, but just know that I can feel (some of) your pain and I am praying for you.

Feel free to email me any time!
Much love,
Sumi

Anonymous said...

My precious Sister in the Lord & 'Internet Friend',

I have never written but have been praying for you, your family and Joel since soon after you started this blog.

I have no great words of comfort or wisdom. As I was reading your post, I was thinking how poor our (everyone's)earthly vision is, especially when we're walking through the valley and being refined. Last night I was showing your blog to my husband and one of our sons, telling them about Joel, your family and how I see the Lord doing great things through you. I am simply praying that the Lord will comfort you and give you a glimpse of the many lives you are touching and how He is working through each one of you.

This blog is on my favorites under 'prayer requests' and I will continue to lift you up to the Lord.

Love in Christ,
Valerie (Oregon)

Bob and Cindy Cole said...

Cindy,

I really encourage you to read the book "Disappointment With God" by Philip Yancy. It has really moved me to the next level spiritually. I have learned things about God that I never knew. That is neat that you mentioned the verse in Numbers 11:23. God gave me that same verse 2 days ago.

I am praying for you. Continue to cry out to God....alot. He is there and He will carry you through this. I know it seems so dark to you right now, but God promises us that we will see His glory. Come quickly Lord Jesus!

I think you are doing great just to get out of bed each day.

Love you,
Cindy

Mandy said...

My vacuum cleaner broke too! Talk about things you don't want to spend your money on!

Jessica said...

"my feelings are bigger than my faith right now" - Well said, and boy, isn't that the truth for so many of us in so many circumstances? Well, for us women at least!

My only words of wisdom for you are to just keep taking one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I find it offensive that you write about "whipping" your young child. Children can be taught right from wrong without laying a single hand (or object) on them. They can know Jesus without knowing such pain brought on by their own parents.

Anonymous said...

Cindy ignore the last post. The Bible says to whip your children. There is difference in whipping and beating and for those of us that didnt recieve very many when we were growing up now wish that we would have believe me. That is one thing I told my mother is you should have spanked me more. When we are raising children being a parent needs to come before being a friend and when they get older they will thank you for it. believe me I respect my daddy more because he whipped me

Anonymous said...

Spare The Rod, Spoil the Child :
This was a common phrase in the previous century, and still exists today. It refers to the practice of spanking your children in discipline; the phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child" means that if you don't punish your children when they do wrong, you'll spoil them. This comes from a Biblical proverb (Prov 13:24): "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently."

Cindy, the fruits of your child-rearing, in love and in discipline combined. are evident. I agree, ignore that post. God admonishes us on the proper way to discipline and gives us His perfect example of the love we should offer to our children...

"I wish that all fathers of households stand forth and practice their role. They will use the rod and not permit their children to go astray. Firmness is needed in your world that is filled with laxity, permissiveness, and degradation.
"Your children have been misled by many who shall answer to the Father. As teachers they have failed in their role. Therefore, as parents you must succeed in yours." - St. Joseph, March 18, 1973