Monday, June 9, 2008
The Good, The Bad , The Ugly !!!
The good...... the guys made it safely to their job site and are working away, we have a rental car in case we need transportation, we had a great time at the farmers market on Saturday, they sold all the green beans and more if we had had them, they brought home some of the potatoes and onions (maybe 10-15 # each) our friend David gave the family Photoshop, Bethany is very excited about that!! and the Burnett family is going to come visit us on Thursday!!!
The bad......the van has engine problems, we do not know the depth of it yet:( , now my vacuum broke (so what) and we are kinda bored with all the fellows gone.....
The ugly.......Me, my heart, my attitude.....sometimes I am at a loss for words, sometimes I don't feel like writing simply because, how many times do I repeat myself, I even get tired of reading my own words, I get tired of staring at this grief, I wish I did not even ever have to have this blog to give out info on how Joel was doing, I wish I was not on this journey, I wish I had that "whole feeling," I wish my heart was not broken.....but even in this ugly stuff I am trying to have hope, I am trying to believe, I am praying and begging the Lord to make something beautiful out of this cross. I am trying to hope because I have read these scriptures.....Thou shalt see now whether My word shall come to pass unto thee or not (Num. 11:23) Thus saith the Lord; refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded v.17 And there is hope in thine end (Jer31 16-17) but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit (Jhn 12:24 and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit (Jhn 15:2)...but I have chosen you and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit (Jhn 15:16) There are many more, these are ones I have read just lately. To be honest I find it hard to believe, my feelings are bigger than my faith right now and I feel disappointed with the Lord, I want to "see" something, I do not think I have come out a better person through this, I really feel like I am more unkind, less patient, my joy has sure gone, so what has all this done for me?? I want to get to the places the Lord wants me to be at, but HOW??????? Right now I am an ugly mess!!! I am not going to pretend to be something I am not for now, I feel like I am in a great battle with the enemy and I am getting beat. I know things in my head, I just can not seem to carry out the battle plan. I have got to soak myself with the truth, my ears are hearing things about the Lord that is not true and I have not stood against it, I have certainly let my feelings feed on these lies. It's late now, I could not write earlier, the children were having fun, but I could not think, and now I am probably too tired to continue, so I'll get to bed and hopefully rest with thoughts on the truth and be renewed in my mind tomorrow!!!
May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you....goodnight!!!