Saturday, May 17, 2008
Pray for me...
We are having MAJOR computer problems!!!! I do not know if I will make it through this....we'll see. A neighbor friend is seeking to help us out, he thinks it is a serious virus. He is a computer expert, so I know we are in good hands, just a matter of getting through all the "stuff."
Saturday, today has been a pretty good day. Getting ready for church here, doing clean up, meal preparation and had the most delicious hamburgers this evening! I think I could (and Micah too) eat them many times a week. The beef is almost gone:((((((( We do plan on having one of our steers butchered the end of this month, but he was crippled at birth and I do not expect much meat off him, but any amount will be a blessing and provision.
Well.....I do think I am on the statistic page with the way grieving is predicted.They say the first year is numbness, the second year is harder and the third is better. The first year, I can hardly remember feeling things I feel now. It was a sort of numbness. I do not remember a lot of anything to be honest, that is how I felt. Now it seems like I really "feel" the hurt, like I am really grieving. I am not where I can not function. I realize I am blessed with a husband and other children, and I am seeking to go forward for them, yet it is with the deepest hole. Joel, being three and all that he could do as a three year old, communicate with us, go places around here, express his self, he's just everywhere. I miss him in every inch of this place. I know some can not relate to all this because you have not been here, but this is the greatest tragedy a parent could go through. To be in my own home and in my surroundings is the safest, most secure place I feel, reason why? Because its a place I feel closest to Joel. The children enjoy going and doing and I want to do that with them, yet its like apart of me does not really want to because when I leave this place I feel like I have left someone. Some might say they think I am aloof, well thats probably true, I do not know how to "fix" all this, I just know that I am seeking to walk through it and maybe at my own pace, I do not know where I am suppose to be in this, I have never done this before. I do ask the Lord to get me to the places he wants me to be at, and I have never been more desperate in all my Christian walk than I am now for his help and mercy. I am not intentionally dragging this out to get attention, it hurts and I am just getting up each day and trying to put one foot in front of the other. I do not want to drown in the grieving and sorrow so as to miss out on life with my other children. Believe me, I do more "stopping and smelling the roses" now than in my whole life. I do not want to say I am sorry to you for all this grieving, I can't, its here in front of me, I have to face it. I really do not know what others can do to help. I know I enjoy talking about Joel and I enjoy others telling me about what they remember about him, but I do not want to be in the forefront and take over the conversations with my grief and have all eyes on me.I know I have been rather quiet in crowds lately. Some may think "you should be over this and just be going on." I do not know how to respond to that, if you have not done this then how do you have expectations of another.Do you have a toddler?, just think for a moment if he or she were not here. I do not want pity or you to feel sorry for me, I just need to grieve in my own way and time....There is a time. I guess too, since I have never had a friend that has had a child seperation through death, I do not know how you feel either, so we must all be understanding of each other. I am just not the same, I never will be, but I am seeking, little by little to let the new me go forward. I do have a peace in my heart and have embraced God's sovereignty in this but the joy has not come back fully yet. Do I have fun still....I do, can I still laugh....I can, am I thankful....I seek to be, I enjoy the children, I am glad I am here, I look forward to what the Lord has for our future, but I still am grieving in the midst. I guess your wondering why I am writing all this, I am not trying to defend my grieving, I just want friends and family to know that if I seem aloof, its nothing you've done, I am still in the process of this. How long will it take?? I have no idea. What can you do? Pray for me and do not take offense. I do not have the energy and skills to counsel you how to deal with a grieving friend, I try to explain to my own family and they even wonder sometimes. With each morning and as I spend time in the word, believe me I am eagerly looking for encouragement and just any ways the Lord might get me one step further in this process. Uh O, it disappeared..... the computer is on the brink and I am having a friend finish this up(thanks Danielle) so I'll have to go for now. Just pray for me if you think about it as I continue on this grieving journey.
May the Lord allow his word to fall upon every need our hearts have as we worship together tomorrow!! I hope the computer gets well soon!!!!!