Saturday, May 17, 2008

Pray for me...




We are having MAJOR computer problems!!!! I do not know if I will make it through this....we'll see. A neighbor friend is seeking to help us out, he thinks it is a serious virus. He is a computer expert, so I know we are in good hands, just a matter of getting through all the "stuff."

Saturday, today has been a pretty good day. Getting ready for church here, doing clean up, meal preparation and had the most delicious hamburgers this evening! I think I could (and Micah too) eat them many times a week. The beef is almost gone:((((((( We do plan on having one of our steers butchered the end of this month, but he was crippled at birth and I do not expect much meat off him, but any amount will be a blessing and provision.

Well.....I do think I am on the statistic page with the way grieving is predicted.They say the first year is numbness, the second year is harder and the third is better. The first year, I can hardly remember feeling things I feel now. It was a sort of numbness. I do not remember a lot of anything to be honest, that is how I felt. Now it seems like I really "feel" the hurt, like I am really grieving. I am not where I can not function. I realize I am blessed with a husband and other children, and I am seeking to go forward for them, yet it is with the deepest hole. Joel, being three and all that he could do as a three year old, communicate with us, go places around here, express his self, he's just everywhere. I miss him in every inch of this place. I know some can not relate to all this because you have not been here, but this is the greatest tragedy a parent could go through. To be in my own home and in my surroundings is the safest, most secure place I feel, reason why? Because its a place I feel closest to Joel. The children enjoy going and doing and I want to do that with them, yet its like apart of me does not really want to because when I leave this place I feel like I have left someone. Some might say they think I am aloof, well thats probably true, I do not know how to "fix" all this, I just know that I am seeking to walk through it and maybe at my own pace, I do not know where I am suppose to be in this, I have never done this before. I do ask the Lord to get me to the places he wants me to be at, and I have never been more desperate in all my Christian walk than I am now for his help and mercy. I am not intentionally dragging this out to get attention, it hurts and I am just getting up each day and trying to put one foot in front of the other. I do not want to drown in the grieving and sorrow so as to miss out on life with my other children. Believe me, I do more "stopping and smelling the roses" now than in my whole life. I do not want to say I am sorry to you for all this grieving, I can't, its here in front of me, I have to face it. I really do not know what others can do to help. I know I enjoy talking about Joel and I enjoy others telling me about what they remember about him, but I do not want to be in the forefront and take over the conversations with my grief and have all eyes on me.I know I have been rather quiet in crowds lately. Some may think "you should be over this and just be going on." I do not know how to respond to that, if you have not done this then how do you have expectations of another.Do you have a toddler?, just think for a moment if he or she were not here. I do not want pity or you to feel sorry for me, I just need to grieve in my own way and time....There is a time. I guess too, since I have never had a friend that has had a child seperation through death, I do not know how you feel either, so we must all be understanding of each other. I am just not the same, I never will be, but I am seeking, little by little to let the new me go forward. I do have a peace in my heart and have embraced God's sovereignty in this but the joy has not come back fully yet. Do I have fun still....I do, can I still laugh....I can, am I thankful....I seek to be, I enjoy the children, I am glad I am here, I look forward to what the Lord has for our future, but I still am grieving in the midst. I guess your wondering why I am writing all this, I am not trying to defend my grieving, I just want friends and family to know that if I seem aloof, its nothing you've done, I am still in the process of this. How long will it take?? I have no idea. What can you do? Pray for me and do not take offense. I do not have the energy and skills to counsel you how to deal with a grieving friend, I try to explain to my own family and they even wonder sometimes. With each morning and as I spend time in the word, believe me I am eagerly looking for encouragement and just any ways the Lord might get me one step further in this process. Uh O, it disappeared..... the computer is on the brink and I am having a friend finish this up(thanks Danielle) so I'll have to go for now. Just pray for me if you think about it as I continue on this grieving journey.

May the Lord allow his word to fall upon every need our hearts have as we worship together tomorrow!! I hope the computer gets well soon!!!!!

Cindy

3 comments:

Emma R. said...

Everyone grieves at their own pace. There is no set rule. If it takes you 1 year or 10 years to feel like you have "walked through" it then that is what it takes.

I think you are amazingly strong and a wonderful person. I feel blessed to read your blog and exchange emails with you. I was just telling my mother the other day (she also reads here) how proud of you I was and how I wish I had half your strength just to deal with things in my own life.

Sure I don't know all the story, I don't see you and know how you feel all the time, but you share so much of yourself in this blog, and that has been such a wonderful thing for me.

Your belief in the Lord, and ability to let him led the way has been such an inspiration to me, you have made me open my eyes and see I could be a better Christian

--Lori

Bob and Cindy Cole said...

Cindy,

I wish you could hear Jerry Wells sermons on this VERY topic. He has so ministered to my soul. Everyone's grief is different and there are no rules. It is okay to cry alot, cry out to others alot, and cry out to God a whole lot. It is good to grieve and not try to supress it. I know there are people out there (whom I won't mention names) that think we should just get over it already. That isn't how it works. We are to grieve shamelessly. That is what David did. I know what you mean about never being the same. I will never be the same. I have never been through what I am going through now and I feel like a different person. I have a sadness within my heart that I am not sure will ever leave. A huge piece of my heart is in heaven with my little baby. I held him in my hands, he is mine and I will always miss him.

Blessings to you dear sister.
Cindy

Danielle said...

Mrs. Morris,

I was thinking about you a lot today and your blog post. Also, I have just recently listened to the sermon on grieving my Mr. Wells, and all of it kind of ties together. Today at church someone chose to have us all sing "It is Well With My Soul" That is one song that I can barely get through, but many times I try to hide the tears and just hold it in. I figure people think I should be over the grieving and especially over these "small things" that remind me of my Mom, but the truth is, the small things remind me just as much. And...after listening to that sermon I realize it's okay to still grieve. It's okay to cry, even in public and for others to see that I am really weak. I am so thankful for your blog posts, it helps me to know that I'm not some weird person for grieving this long. And like we talked about yesterday, losing a child and losing a mother are very different, but they both hurt.

So, thank you for posting and sharing what's REALLY going on.

I love you!
Danielle