Sunday, January 2, 2011

lasts.....

This day four years ago was Joel's last night to sleep in his little bed. His last time to play with his twin brother, Josiah on the floor, in his own house. In the morning, it would be his last breakfast, his last time to see his farm as we would be on our way for his second round of chemo and then the dreadful "midnight hour," the seizure, the coma on Jan. 3rd. How could I not re-play the nightmare, yet how can I not as well speak of His great grace that has carried me through. On poignant dates as I have said before, it does all crash back, the scenes, the urgency, the unbelief that all transpired that night. I guess I like to recapture the details and try to remember that last night, the last morning here at our house. I remember as we were getting in the van and he was giving hugs to his siblings outside, someone had a BB gun and he went over and gave it a shot. He had a the cutest snow hat on. He had helped pack his suitcase and wanted to make sure his new flashlight was in there as we were going to turn all the lights off in the hospital room and "play." That never happened. I guess the thing that hurts so much is he had no idea what was to come and so innocent thinking we were just going to the hospital and would soon return to his favorite place, his farm. That never happened. My soul is still so crushed, I weep even now! But I can also say within my soul, that all is well because I trust the integrity of my Saviors heart, His plans are far higher than I can know and I just have to keep laying it there. But I still miss him, I think of him everyday.

Well, how could I not say anything of this day, and time that has come once again. How could I not say too......marvelous grace, so much has been given though so much has been taken. My whole being desires 3 things from this trial, one; that it bring God glory, two; I be made more like Him and three; that Joel would never be forgotten and his story bless and encourage others.

Hope this New Year finds you all desiring God more, aspiring to love others as Christ has loved us and loving life as it is a gift! I am looking forward to this year of "new beginnings" with the older children's futures and all that God has for them. I want to relish and savor every moment. I am blessed by what God is doing and excited as he guides and directs their paths.

Somehow we gotta get back to school, any kind of routine and maybe getting up a little bit earlier....hint, hint!!!!

Happy New Year to all, thank you for being with us. I know on the 3rd, so many of you cried out on our behalf as we begun our darkest hour and you have hung with us as he has made our days brighter and brighter until the full day..................I love you all!!














7 comments:

Elisabeth Lindsey said...

Aw. I can't understand from a mother's perspective, but I do know that hurt. Thinking about all the lasts with Josh is like that too. But with every life God takes to himself, heaven feels a little bit closer. Hugs Miss Cindy!

Teena said...

I remember... I think of you...

I am very thankful you continue to share w/ us I never get tired of hearing about Joel.
Praying for you lots

We have to get back into a routine very soon too.

Still in Florida but going home tomorrow.

Much love,
Teena

Abigail said...

Memories are both sweet and painful! Not being a mother, I don't know what it's like to lose a child. But I do know what it's like to lose a sibling and a dear friend. It sometimes seems like the pain will never leave. And while I'd like to forget the pain, I don't want to forget the good times - but I can't have one and not the other. God is so gracious in that He never gives us more than His grace will carry us through!! I pray that He continues to heal your heart and that your joy will increase!

Happy New Year to the Morris Family!

~Abigail~

sarahdodson said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now. The grace of God is so evident in your life and your testimony. I so appreciate your honesty, and I can see that your family so much.

May God continue to give great grace and comfort your hurting heart.

sarahdodson said...

sorry. I can see that you love your family so much - that's what I meant to write.

Katie said...

It's wonderful to hear that your days have gotten brighter and brighter. Thank you Cindy, for coming alongside me as I walk behind you on this journey. You have been a Godly light.

Remembering handsome Joel today and every time I think of your family.

Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

My heart aches for you. It seems so unfair in my human heart, but His ways are not our ways.I know though that the Lord is gracious and good and I am so thankful you know that too. I am thankful for your testimony through this all and that you have grown closer to Him. I am praying for you. Keep sharing that sweet little Joels life and repeating all the memories. It is a real blessing and his life was no small thing. His little life has and will bless many for a very long time all for HIS glory. You are such a good mother, thank you for your example. I sure hope to meet you and your family one of these days!!! Take care Cindy.
Love,
Jessica