Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Mercy's Hair and My heart......

Mercy's hair is so thin and fine and gets fuzzy if you do not wet it down,( like Anna's), mine and Bethany's is thick like a "horse tail." When Mercy's hair is all in a dither, she gets frustrated and says "my hair is not doin' good!!!" Well, that is exactly how things are going over here.....my heart is not "doin' good." Probably no one knows, maybe Terry. I have or am learning real well how to not let grief affect others. Partly because others who do not know, say or think the same things, "its been so long now, are you not over this?" For my own families sake, I try to stay on the up but sometimes the" grief gravity" pulls so hard and it seems like its a force that can not be stopped until you have plummeted. I feel like I have had these hands on my shoulders pushing me down. I do not know what has caused the tilt, it just happens, and I have not had a big crash in awhile, they are mostly tears along the way that suffice the hurt, but I think sometimes a person has to have a "dump" now and then. Its been so hard at night, I lay there and all I hear is beeps and then nothing, I see him, then I am holding him and he feels so heavy and cumbersome, and then I leave him there on the bed, its over.....the battle, the prayers for a healing touch, now changed forever, its not the same now, its different. You would think since we have endured the lowest blow, the death blow, the enemy would move on to his next victim, but no, he torments my mind. I can not help but think of Mary, Jesus mother as she stood and saw her son there, the last thoughts she had, the last feelings and then Jesus bidding and taking care of his dear mother asking one of the disciples to care for her, I am trying to find solace in this last moment on earth as they looked upon each other, there is someone that knows, Mary knows. The last moments with Joel are almost unbearable to dwell upon and I really try NOT to, but like I have said, the enemy has been bombarding me as of late. I know by His grace, and as I seek to meditate upon Him, I can move forward, it takes time, it will take until all my breath is gone, but in the mean time, I will keep reading, praying, and now that I have had a "time" of hitting bottom, I can look up now!!! When I get where there is not much to do, I think that is a median for me to go down, when I am busy, I seem to stay more focused. It's hard to believe that around here there are times when "not much to do." Thanks for praying, as I know many have been and will!!

Anna and I hit a few stores today, looking for some stuff for "Resurrection Sunday." What I do is get all the boys a new shirt and its their church shirt for the season. I found me a skirt and shirt at a resale store. I still have to get Bethany's, we'll go tomorrow, Lord willing. Our colors are a sort of aqua for the top and then everybody will wear whatever bottoms, pants, jeans for the little guys. We do not do all the eggs, bunny's and all but we do celebrate the Resurrection in a special way on this particular day. We'll have a special breakfast, compliments of Anna:) There was One morning that he did rise, there was one morning that they came to the tomb, there was one morning where the angels said "he is not he, he is risen," there is a season in nature that profoundly speaks of new life....Spring!! So on this particular morning and day we will have an extra special celebration, because now the resurrection has even more significance to my heart....Joel.....he is not there!!!! May this particular Sunday be a special day along with all the other Sundays as we celebrate Jesus....He is Risen!!!

Getting ready for the Beginners Garden Workshop this Saturday, the 11th!!! You can still get info and sign up here. You do not want to miss the fun and fellowship......and "doughnuts." :)

Looking up......


Maureen said...

I have been thinking about you and praying for you the past couple days when I noticed you hadn't posted in a few days. I was incredibly blessed by this song that is posted on Angie's blog. It is only there until tomorrow... but the lyrics are there. Just remember to scroll down and pause her play list before listing to the song. It is amazing!

Praying for you in WA,

Mountain Mama said...

I am sorry you are not "doin' so good". My heart aches with you. I am and will be praying for you sweet friend.

ps i keep forgetting to tell you that i love the new pics (especially of you and Terry) on the sidebar.

Emma and Mommy said...

I have always been touched by the things you say in this blog, the way you express your grief in such a heartfelt, beautiful way.

You just take all the time you need to grieve, even if its the rest of your life. Those who say "aren't you over it yet" have no idea what its like to lose a child. I don't know that pain either, I can't say I know how you are feeling, but I do understand.

It has always amazed me, the strength you have, to go on for yourself and for the rest of your family. I do mention you often to friends who are in similar situations. I know that without your faith in God, you would have many more "not doin good days" and the way you cling to your faith in him is such an inspiration to anyone that reads your blog, or knows you in person.

My heart aches for you and Terry sometimes so much, that prayer is the only thing I know to offer. So that I will always do, my dear friend. Praying for you and for comfort for your broken heart

Kat said...

grief gravity, that is definitely what it is and it's so hard not to get sucked down when it's pulling so hard. I know too well how that feels. I'm sorry you are not "doin so good".


Dara Steward said...

Your open sharing is such a blessing. I love that you are real. I want to echo the sympathies expressed by others. And at the same time I wonder.... could something have made this easier/better for you? I wonder what you wished could have happened...short of Joel's continued presence with you. Or maybe there is nothing you would do differently. Is there a lingering question, doubt, or worry?

Now, as a mother, I cringe when I consider the depths you have plunged in losing a son on this earth. I simply cannot imagine. He was so dear. I pray God will lift your spirits to the heights, as you have known the depths.

Teena said...

Cindy, just stopping by. Wanting you to know I am praying. I think of you often. Praying for the *Garden* day this saturday.

I love the pics below of Mercy. Thank you so much for sharing into your life with me.

I went to a Ladies Retreat and went to the workshop "where joy and sorrow meet" ... it was very helpful. I am praying for you. My heart hurts with you.

you are in my thoughts~
(trying to get my blogspot blog working....)

Jennifer T. said...

Your thoughts here touched me in a very deep place in my heart. We lost a baby, one of twins, 2 1/2 months ago, and I wonder why lately in quiet moments (fortunately those are rare!) my thoughts turn to her and it's so hard, and I don't know why I'm going "there" more lately, also her last moments like you mentioned. Reading what you wrote made me feel better, although it's not so great to hear that this is normal and will continue happening...

Thank you so much for your honesty in this very public place.
Jennifer (Texan living in Bolivia)

PS- Our newest, very beautiful baby is named "Joel John". I thought of your Joel when I first heard it!

PSS- Wish my family would live close enough to visit your farm!!