My Plan vs God's Plan.....

So much of the time I think I am my worst enemy......my mind that is......sometimes I think my plan is better.....I read these scriptures this morning, John 14:22-23, Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world? This question has rolled around in my mind so much, it has to be one of the greatest longings, to "see something," good come out of this trial. I have literally thought of ways the Lord should manifest himself to me. Of course my first idea of how I thought the Lord should manifest himself was to heal Joel, to have him awake out of the coma and prove the Dr's wrong, another way was when I became preg. last summer (miscarry started in Aug. but did not complete until Dec.) I had in my mind that the Lord was manifesting himself to me and giving me my Ephraim, (fruitfulness in the land of my suffering) then on another note, I had ways and ideas in my mind of how God could provide a work truck. He did not use my idea, it came through "in all labor there is profit." Also as with another baby, I can think in my mind how God should make us fruitful again and give something back for the loss. So you see, in my mind, I can think of ways He could manifest himself to me, kinda like I think I can run the ship, my plan is better. I too have asked that question and wonder how he will manifest himself. I am looking to "see" something big, eventful, maybe a display, like the people of his day, they wanted to "see" a real looking King, ruling a real looking kingdom. But you know what, when I read the next verse, it encouraged me that he has manifested himself to me, in quiet, humble, lowly ways, but still with an authority, authenticity, he has showed himself .....Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me,(a relationship) he will keep my words:(he is teaching me obedience) and my Father will love him,(fellowship) and we will come unto him,(give me comfort) and make our abode with him.(his presence) So in these four ways the Lord has and is manifesting himself to me. I have a relationship with the Lord through his forgiveness of my sin and his cleansing blood to my heart, he is manifesting himself to me as I read his word and am seeking to learn obedience to it, he is manifesting himself to me in that he says we will come unto him, his Holy Spirit is here with me in this trial and is comforting me, and he says he will come and abode with me, he is manifesting his presence here with me. Now the Lord can and does have power to do supernatural things and manifest himself, but isn't it like him to also come as he came before, in a low, humble way, so he is manifesting himself to me, I just didn't "see" it clearly until this passage of scripture. I like the ending scripture of this section, ....he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. How many times has he in the past brought scriptures to my remembrance, he has really manifests himself to us more than we acknowledge it and it is his quiet still voice. O Lord, continue to manifest you self to my heart, and forgive me for telling you and thinking of ways in my own finite mind of how I think you should do things!!!! Your plan is the best with little boys that have cancer, with pregnancies that I longed for, with pregnancies that I hope for and even with trucks!!!!! May you manifest yourself to every person that reads your truth, not my words, your words give life, mine are just black ink on a page.

I know I might repeat myself with remembrances with Joel and how those memories are happy ones and deeply sad. My subconscious mind holds all the sad ones, because I do not like to go there in memory, but sometimes something triggers that memory and the deep pain rushes out. So speaking, writing about it allows the memory to go forth and once again let it go back into that little chamber until another trigger. I had one of those moments yesterday on my shopping trip, huge crying, like couldn't breath the pain was so intense.....it was the man in the blue surgeon scrubs that came around the corner at Sams......Terry and I were the only ones at the hospital that day, so the children can not know the depth of this moment. Like I have said, other than immediate family, no one has ever taken care of Joel, nor have we ever had to place him in someone else arms. When I saw that blue surgeon suit, I felt an overwhelming pain of that morning we placed Joel in the surgeons arms for him to have surgery to place his port for the use of chemo. I remember Terry and I wept so hard as we waited for him. Joel, so innocent, so vulnerable, so little, I am no Abraham by any means but that feeling was so intense, only the Sovereign Lord Jesus Christ can get a person through it..... and he did!!!

I think the guys had to tone down their initial plans due to unavailability of getting together what they really wanted to do this weekend with grandparents, we'll just give them credit for "trying to make big plans!!!" We'll have a good time anyway with the grandparents due in tomorrow after lunch!!!!

Today..... we have some things to do after lunch, errands and the girls want to go shopping at a few stores, so Josh, Jeremiah, Hosie, Siah, Mercy, Anna, Bethany, Danielle and myself will head out after we get our lunch. We are going to fix our Chinese meal again tonight, so we have to make haste. I want to maybe tomorrow post a picture of those won ton things we make, they are so good!! There are still some that have questions about how we do, what we do and stuff, I will be ever so glad to answer any questions via e-mail if you like, the address is at the top of the blog.

Thanks for keeping on with us......I am the one blessed!!!!!

Cindy