Memories...

This is hard... the dates, the days, memories...last year on this coming Monday Joel went to his blood check appointment, but ended up being admitted to the hospital with intense testing starting on Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon we recieved the information from the Dr. that she was 90% sure Joel had neuroblastoma, a childhood cancer. Then further testing on Wednesday proved and confirmed it to be so. Some of the memories I think I wish could be erased. Monday evening after getting into the room the nurses started trying to get his IV going, it was an ordeal, he kept saying "I'm all done??" and of course crying. Finally after a very long time of poking him they got it in his foot. Then on Tuesday after the bone extraction on both hips, and when they were done, we were able to go in and bring him back to the room. To walk in the room and see him laying there, coming out of the sedation was so very difficult. His eyes were open, but he had not woke up yet and his eyeballs were just jerking back and forth. I want to remember everything about him, but these memories are deep pains to my heart. Then there are the sweet memories of all the wonderful people that visited Joel and all the gifts they blessed him with. He had so much fun with the special toys, stuffed animals, books, treasures that I hold on to. So... as the days approach, there are lots of tears. I can just look at his little red tractor and cry, try to read the book that Josiah brings to me, "Charlie Brown Christmas", (Joel got it at the hospital) and barely make it through it. Seeing some of the leftover gifts in a closet that I was saving for him to have new things to take to the hospital brings the tears. One day I went outside and it just had a certain smell, which made me think of a particular day that he just got up and went outside to play. I just have to give in to the monster of grief, crying releases some of those deep pains. It is so hard to think all this has happened on one hand, yet I know it is reality. There still seems to be a numbing feeling. I just need grace to get through these very real memories of last year. On that Sunday, Caleb and Daniel had picked a song for our church service not knowing what was before us, "Like a River Glorious", the one verse really speaks to my heart... every joy and trial falleth from above, traced upon the dial, by the Sun of Love, we may trust him fully, all for us to do;they who trust him wholly, find him wholly true. And the chorus, Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blessed; finding as he promised, perfect peace and rest. That sums up what I need to do!!! My Joel... I miss you, I love you!!!!!!

Last year my dad was here on the 12th when Joel came home and we had Christmas that evening, he is coming this Tuesday for our annual Christmas get together. As I look towards that, right now it seems like it is going to be hard, but I must trust the Lord for grace for that time. I still have my "list" from last year that had all the childrens names on it with their ideas for Christmas. Joel's is there with his little requests that I wrote down. It was so hard to write the list this year and not see his name on it. I know he is experiencing what Christmas is really about. His first Christmas with Jesus! Josiah and Hosanna were talking today of where Joel sat as he opened his presents from his grandparents. I think they remember very well the day we did all of that.

Hopefully this coming week, we are going to plant some flower bulbs on Joel's grave. As I think towards the spring, it will be a beautiful site to remind me of "life". We have planted about 550 in beds around our house. That will be something to look forward to!!!!!

I know this is somewhat short, but I just feel kind of "blah", sad in my heart...but somewhere amongst the emotions there is the rock of truth that I must believe... that God is Sovereign!!!!

More good news with Vision Forum, they have ordered more DVD's, a total of 850. O, the screening went very well. Around 100 people. We were blessed with their presence and the kind words they gave to us after. We have recieved e-mails from folks that have ordered the DVD through Vision Forum, and they have been very encouraging. Joel is continuing to shine his little light!!!

Anna was snapping the camera this morning as we were getting ready for church and then she took some fun pictures of Mercy and Josiah. I am so thankful for the pictures, I just do not seem to have the time like I use to!

Blessings and to all a goodnight!!

Cindy