Monday, August 16, 2010

lets go over it again..........

*** I know many of you have seen Joel's Journey DVD, but just for info, if you have not and would like to, the Home school Channel is showing it throughout this week and here is the link for the schedule ***** and here is the link to the channel One viewing will be tonight at 6:30 pm central time.


Ok, lets go over it again........ here is a chronology;

Jan. 07 - Joel died
Year of 07- grieving hell, angry, disappointed, sad/mad at my own family or taking my grief out on them, very tough year to say the least!!!
Year 08- grieving with emotion, beginning of Jan, God through the Holy Spirits work brought me to the place of acceptance, of trusting His plan and that it was a perfect plan, it was also the most emotional year. Crying at every thing that could have related to Joel, a passy, the swing set, a bush outside, stores I went in to, toys, clothes, food ect......
Year 09- grieving with a seeking heart, immersing my self in truth like I have never done before
Year 2010- grieving with anticipation of when I will see Joel again, peace.

Something is really bugging me! In the course of this last year especially, I have sought and wanted this blog to be a ministry to people that have experienced a toddler/small child death. I want to give back like it says in the scripture, Who comforteth us in our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God. And as it says in verse 6, Cor. in my afflictions, it brings consolation to others that are beginning the journey of cancer/illness with a small child or like us ending a journey with a small child, and our afflictions/trials work effectually in the enduring of the same sufferings that they are in.Verse 7, says that our hope of you is steadfast. I have desired to focus on sharing with others of the hope that Christ has given me. But let me say real quick, I AM STILL GRIEVING, I WILL ALWAYS BE GRIEVING, I AM NOT DONE GRIEVING!!!!! I have re-read to make sure this is not a "me" thing of many mothers that have lost a small child in the last 3 years and even longer and their journal entries are many times, much heavier and sadder than mine, BUT THEY ARE STILL GRIEVING too even after all these years! The thing that really bugs me is the fact that some people who have never experienced a small child death seem to have ideas you get over this say in a certain amount of time and you should return to what you use to be like. I am not the same me! I will not be like "me" as when Joel was here, I can not even explain it, its just fact! I have had people say or think that I act different maybe in person verses what I write. There is something that you should probably know about me, I write out my feeling, thoughts, emotions, hurts, easier than sitting down and telling you. You can ask anyone in my family, I tend to not share my self, heart, thoughts, feelings easily in person. Writing has been a huge release of grieving for me. All this to say if you want to know how I am doing, don't expect me to necessarily "tell" you all this I am writing. You will likely have to read about it here if you want to know. This is just the way "I" do it, share that is all that I am going through. I know of some moms that enjoy speaking it instead of writing but each one has unique ways of grieving. So I am not here to please people in the way I grieve, I am here to hopefully encourage others that come behind me that are placed on this journey by a Providential Hand. I do not plan on rising to your expectations of "getting over this." I will though by His grace walk through this and it is a walk that lasts a lifetime. I will never forget the scripture that God gave me, "length of days understanding." Time will not heal but through the length of days of being away from Joel, I will grow in understanding of HIM as I keep in the Word! So if you feel at arms length and you want to know more of me, just read here on this blog. There are days that are heavier than others, every August through Jan. is heavy with memories, last birthday, fevers, Dr. visits. But ya know what?...... everyday is a grace filled day because I ask for grace everyday to get through it with out Joel here with our family. Whatever I write, whether its hope writing or baring my sorrows, my main goal is to tell others that God is Faithful and His Word is personal to our every need, hurt, longing, direction, joy, sorrow, for all of life! Thank you for letting me "write" about me, Joel, sorrow and hope!

I don't even know if I can re-cap our lives! WOW!! I must say I will have to get a calendar to recollect......my eye problem I had last week is doing great, almost gone, Anna had a tooth pulled, I had to get my ear de-waxed or rather flushed out, grocery day last Friday, Oh and Anna's party last Thursday was a fun night for sure! We had some friends over for Meteor watching and we all laid on the trampoline til 1 am, they left and we then watched "the lion, the witch and the wardrobe," movie, we went swimming at a friends house last Thursday, we had company over the weekend with a super neat family, some of them went to motor cross racing, and then Sunday eve, Dave and Kate had many families over for dinner for a "u don't know its Dave's birthday party!!" And now we are up to date with today, Monday and it was filled with getting the guys off this morning, going to Bass Pro, picking Micah up from work, making tacos, and cuttin a hugemongus watermelon!! But thats not all, the big girls, Micah and Andrew went to play basketball at a park with some friends!!! Hopefully now its getting to the end of the day.....oops can't forget my cup of decaf. coffee!!!

I love writing to you all......

............thank you so much for reading!


Oh, one more thing a suprise.....remember bout 4-6 weeks ago, I said I would show you something......Lord willing Wednesday is the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












12 comments:

Hannah B. said...

I love READING your blog, Mrs. M! :) It is a blessing to have "heard" your heart over these last few years and learn from what God has done and is doing in your life. Keep on writin'!

Teena said...

Hi, Cindy. I have always appreciated you sharing with all of us. Grief is such a strange thing.

My dad died 3 yrs ago and it is nothing like a child.... but I will never be the same... just as you said. Yesterday in ss we were talking about a friend who lost her 16 yr old dd this past May in a car crash. She is so struggling... so raw. Just putting one foot in front of the other...

I think of Joel so much .....

not sure .... what happened but .. I am so thankful for your blog, your heart and beingable to peek into your life.

You are very busy!

blessings,
Teena

Mandy said...

Miss Cindy, I still grieve for Joel and I never even met him here on earth. I know it has to be God's grace that even allows you to get out of bed in the morning. I would never imagine to tell you that you should be "over it" by now, and if people have, then shame on them. Hopefully they will never have to have first hand experience of it. I count it as an honor that you have shared this experience with us.

Can't wait to see the surprise!

Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

Amen to the first half of your blog post!!! :) I have never been through what you have and I know that it would be something you never get over. I dont understand how some could even consider that you would ever be your old self or that you would ever be completely healed of this!The loss of your own child is not something you can get over! I am like you, writting expresses me so much more than saying. You keep writing with no regrets and not pleasing others. THis journey is something between you and the Lord and the way you express yourself will touch many who have been through your darkness.I have not been through it and you inspire me with your love for Joel. Keep seeking His truths.
Love
Jessica

Jeremy Wallace said...

Thank you for your thoughts! I like many others that read your posts (I think) do not know what it is like to grieve the way you do everyday! My heart hurts just to imagine losing one of my precious girls! Although I am not one of those that you intended to help...you have helped me. I pray for you and your family. That's not only "just the best I can do", but it is the BEST I can do! Thank you for being a blessing!

Abigail said...

I know you still have hard days when the grief comes washing over you again. And you're right - you will never "get over it". You will just "grow on". I pray that God will give you and your family and extra measure of His spirit and grace through the next couple of months. But I'm glad that you are letting the grief send you to the right place--to the feet of Jesus. He's the only One who can restore us after something like that.

Thanks for sharing!

~Abigail~

Sarah said...

I don't really know what to say, but wanted to say 'something!'

I can't imagine what you went thru, and are going thru... but, can only feel for you and pray for you.

Thank you Ms. Cindy for writing down your thoughts.... I think a lot of people (including me) find it LOTS easier to 'talk' on paper than in person... I can think out what I want to say then write it.

Hope y'all are staying cool!
Love,
Sarah

Petie said...

keep on keepin' on, Mrs. Morris!!! You are doing a great job and I'm sure God looks down and is glad!!

Could ya email me the crazy pics from the party??? i would sure appreciate it!! :)

KD said...

You are exactly right. So many well meaning people have no idea what they are really talking about. I lost my Dad in Jan, after loosing Boaz in Nov and I can definitely say-it is not the same at all. Thanks for putting it out there for people...if they will listen. Love

Karen said...

I needed to read this...thank you for your honesty, Cindy....I am so glad God placed in you in my path...

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

I can write my heart more easily than I can speak it as well.

Do you know what? I am GLAD that I'm not the same "me" as I was before Christian died. How can I be the same when a part of me is no longer here? And how can I be the same when I have learned SO much about the person of God?! Praise the Lord for the blessings in brokenness!

Suzanne said...

Dear Joel's family:
What a benefit to all, sharing your heart like this. Have you seen the heart of texas dvd? I bought it from AFA, and hesitated to watch it because it seemed like something deep was inside. Something that I did not want to be touched by. Well it touched me, much like you have here. She shares the same thing: No I am not better yet. Sorry. I never will be, I will go on, but this will always be with me." (an approximate paraphrase). Her ministry now is to their son. He feels such guilt. And he was only eight (she was three). I think. Somehow kids adopt the guilt as their own. I am observing one thing: looking at the pics of your family, the transformation is very real. From the last time with all of you together, to the most recent, God has done a marvelous thing. I feel connected thru the newer photo moreso than the old. We have ten children and I weep to see such beauty in yours. I might be over doing it, but there is a strength of character that is just there. I know the ins-and-outs of a large family. Ours is sometimes quite unhealthy, I think. Praise God for a stable group such as yours. Mine is stable but a bit scattered. Love to see you all together like that! God richest blessings on your sharing!