Tuesday, December 4, 2012

it wasn't a dream...

It was a 1:30 appointment, December 4th, 2006. Our 4th visit for what seemingly had turned into routine for us now. A little stick on the finger, and by now the cries had disappeared with just a whence because today there was anticipation of getting 2 stockings of treats. Josiah came along with us. Joel knew the ropes by now and gave Josiah the scoop. "this is where we wait til the nurse calls us back." A toy train ran along a train track held by chains above our heads that kept them occupied. "Joel Morris," the nurse said ever so cheerfully. What incredible gifts these women have with the children. To love though they were not their own. I always held him in my lap, we turned our heads away and then it was done. A cute bandaid and then the big decision by two 3 yo twins, which stocking to pick. I can see their minds twirling, was one overly stuffed with more treats, what was hanging out the top? Finally, choices were made and smiles broke across their little faces! Routine was to visit with the Dr. briefly to just look over the numbers of the blood work. All four of us squeezed in to a small room, a blank desk and two chairs. I held Joel and we were investigating his stocking. Terry walked a few steps down the hall to take Josiah to the bathroom. Alone holding Joel, the Dr. sat, looked at papers, asked a few questions, and again i pointed out the bumps on Joels head. He swiftly left the room, came back and said, " joel needs to be admitted with extensive testing in the morning." The flush of the toilet echoed down the hall, kinda like what was happening to our little world now. Terry and Josiah now stood in the doorway, I gave him the info and we waited. How could a routine and stockings and our afternoon plans change
so quickly? 1:30 turned to 2:30, then 3:30 then by 5:00 we had walked only a few steps down a hallwayand turned a curve and was settling into a hospital room. ""is it life threatening?" A concerned, stiff face said," it could be." phone calls, tears, trying to explain, trying to keep two 3 year olds occupied in what felt like a cold dreary hospital room, had a grip on me that held back the screams and jolts I wanted to let out! Soon, big brothers came to get healthy little brother, suitcases were brought filled with what we
longed for, "home." Finally, and from
sheer exhaustion Terry, Joel and I went to sleep that night with prayers, cries and pleadings..... "please oh God, spare Joel's life!" ....... only to awaken and no, it wasn't a dream but to (besides the day he died) the hardest day of my life. Rigerous tests and picking him up off a table where he lay lifeless from sedation and holding him and wanting this bad dream to go away....only it didn't.

Some dear friends that Terry worked with after Joel's death bought us a red bud tree. It's planted in our front yard. It's just something that I can see and enjoy and be reminded that Joel is living right now. Just not in this world. While out shopping, I saw some little Christmas trees with the roots in a bucket, like the kind you plant! I bought one. Joel has a
Spring tree, now he has a winter tree. I have it in the house now for cheering us up and with happy cheer-eeee lights on it but when the season is over, we are going to plant the tree in the backyard! I need reminders everyday still that His plans are good and right. One day I will show you a photo when I didnt believe His
plans were good and right. Everyday I have to keep asking for grace to trust his plan for Joels life. I miss him!

.......if you have a 3 year old, give him/her a hug from me today.



6 comments:

Melanie said...

No words just prayers and tears for you today. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Melanie

Emma and Mommy said...

God had the perfect plan for young Joel's life just like he has the perfect plan for all our ours. We might not see that plan, because we are too busy trying to live it.We might not like the plan and feel the need to question it, we pray that we can understand it.

It is more than apparent to me that God used Joel in a way that no other child could be used, and that is to show all of us through his journey the sanctity of life. He blessed the world with that lesson, and blessed your family with the gift of having Joel in your lives.

God couldn't have picked more perfect parents for Joel, not only to nurture him and love him, but in time when it was God's will that Joel go to Heaven, he hand picked you to be the ones to protect his life until it was that time. He picked you to show the world that life is precious. All life, weather it be a child who can run and jump and play, or a child like my Emma who can't do much of the physical stuff, or a child like Joel who in the end lay in a bed with his eyes closed. All life is precious.

Sorrow is a powerful thing that makes our hearts hurt and our mind question why. Just know that God's plan for Joel was the perfect plan and while your heart is breaking many other lives have been seen to have value and are honored as they should be because of Joel.

-stephanie- said...

My heart hurts for you. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. God bless all of you.

The cheeerrreeee tree is so cute!

christie kefauver said...

I do not know the whole Morris family yet. God has allowed me to meet Daniel, Caleb and Kristen. Cindy I have told you on the phone how amazing your family is and how my soul has been touched in a special way by your journey. I am so sorry for your family's pain in lossing Joel. Thank you for sharing your faith in God's plan and that it is ok to question life's joy and sadness. Prayer is so powerful in my life and I will continue to pray for God's will and not my own. My deepest sympathy on the anniversary of Joel's diagnoses.

Daniel and Jaynee Lockwood and Family said...

Just catching up with your posts and going to hug my Samuel today for you.
I love you!

Teena said...

I remember .... My Wesley is close to Joel & Josiah's age. My heart breaks every time I go back to that time through your words. Keep sharing. I love hearing about Joel. I love seeing your life and how you allow us to peek in.... how you show us and point us to Jesus. I remember. His life lives on.... today I am thinking of you. Last week I bought a little cypress tree at Lowe's to plant after Christmas.... no special reason but TODAY... I have decided that we will plant it in our yard in memory of Joel. My boys will often ask when I show them pics of Josiah or Hosie.... or Mercy... is that Joel's brother and sisters? I love you dearly.

Much much love... as you remember each day... but live fully in the moment!