Little Boy In Time

Little Boy In Time

The days are continuing on....
People are born, a little boy is gone

Time gives no thought
To the aching heart death has brought

Laughing, talking, on paths people go
Some sharing truth, sin others sow

O, please time, won't you stand still for me
But it goes on, my Joel will not come back and be

In days and years that go fleeting
A little boy they will not remember meeting

My heart wants all those here and there
Forget not a little boy, but time isn't fair

My little boy has lived his time in history
The Father's will, a mystery

They will not know my little boy lived and died
Except, a glimpse, for tears I can not hide

Maybe someday far away or near
The family in eternity will remember a little boy so dear

But now.... as I see the people in a mass
They remember not a little boy in my past

If I look in others eyes as I go
They too, have stories to be told

Goodbyes were said, and deaths they faced
But my little boy they cannot place

Comfort I must take, as others will never know
My Father knew of him, my little boy he holds!!

I Love You, Joel

When death knocks on your door and takes, you find your thoughts going down corridors that likely would not have traveled. If people were to see me,(those I do not know) would more than likely not be able to see the silent dirge that is playing in my heart, the mourning. Different situations bring thoughts that are new and painful. One would be as I go out grocery shopping and just see a mass of people coming and going. People I do not know nor will never know. Some older, younger, poor, rich, sad, angry, bitter, rebellious, sick and hurting. I do not know them and they do not know me, my journey, my story, they did not know my little boy. It brings a saddness that people come and go in this life, children, little boys, that are forgotten. They do not know of a little boy that changed us, blessed us, taught us, loved us. They do not hear the silent dirge playing in my heart. It is a grieving not only of being seperated from my little boy but grieving that in time, in history, in this world we will be forgotten and never known by most. Then there is the "cloud of witnesses" if I may borrow that word, that know our journey. Attending a large gathering yesterday and seeing folks that we were aquainted with for many years in a fellowship brings new thoughts and pain as did the above. So many are thoughtful to ask how I was doing. I answer "I am doing OK," yet they too might not hear the silent dirge that is playing in my heart. They are thoughtful and compassionate as can be without experience of a child seperation from death. Even the "cloud of witnesses" continue on, my little boy takes no place in their thoughts. Time goes on, people are born and return to the dust, they are forgotten to the most. You just want time to stop...but it dosen't. A mommy heart just does not want her little boy to be forgotten. People might forget my little boy, but the Lord reminded me this morning that he will not forget about Joel and when all is said and done, and he gathers his people together for eternity, Joel will not be forgotten by others either, Ps.9:18, For the needy shall not alway be forgotten.....The Lord comforted me that he has and will not forget about Joel, Ps. 139:14...and that knoweth my soul right well, and verse 17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me. So once again as I face these new thoughts from the experience of death, the Lord has met my heart with his truth to sustain me. I know many will never forget Joel, but what is the most comforting is that the Lord will not and has not forgotten my little boy. I am comforted......

Cindy

P.S. Please pray for the little girl I mentioned earlier, Emily a 7 year old twin, she has NB and unless the Lord intervenes and grants a miracle her days are short. They live in Florida.

New MOO MOO !

A young ladies prayer is answered, wish granted, dream come true, desire fulfilled. Anna is the proud (and humble) owner of a Registerd Black Angus Heifer yearling! She has made this request in our Wisdom Time in the evenings for a looong time, and she finally convinced the "board members" of Shekinah Springs Farm and Construction to be a means for the Lord to use to recieve her request, (her oldest 3 brothers and dear father) She can be a good example to all of us to keep "seeking, knocking and asking." Anna has done alot of research and she knows alot of "cow stuff." She has even given her brother Elijah, the cattleman a few bits of info. I am thankful for Anna's faith and her perserverance in not giving up on her prayer to be answered. If Joel were here, he would be so happy for a new farm animal, he would be climbing on the fence peeking over and hollerin at "Annie" wanting to see and know all about that new "moo moo" as he called them. I wish I could hear him hollerin, screamin, crying, laughing, throwing a fit....anything! Maybe he is getting to see a cattle on a thousand hill, God's moo moo's!!! I stayed home with the 5 younger ones, but it sounds like it was some kind of adventure as they went to this auction\sale at a ranch in south OKC about an hour from us. We have been to a few sales and this one sounded like nothing comparable. Bethany said as they arrived they saw all these brick type houses with white pillers and she thought they were the ranch hands houses.....but they were the cow sheds!! WOW! They said there was white fencing for a mile section and maybe more, huge iron gates, statutes and the house looked like a hotel building. Micah said they had padded seats to sit on and carpet in the sale area, they had free food galore (our crew loved that) and at one end there was a type of banquet area where these chefs were preparing a BBQ for later. Elijah said this rancher owned a football team too! From the looks of it, a millionaire, billionair or some kind of air. It was quite an experience for the crew! One thing for sure whether it is a 3 year old little boy with a few little toys or an ederly gentleman, every good and perfect gift is from above, from the Father of lights, and we can not take it with us. May the Lord grant this one grace to see and know the Lord if he does not. Anyway it was fun for the older ones to go and we had fun too, making some brownies and Josh made the coffee. I guess I will have to tell you later what Anna will name the young girl!

Tonight.....our dear friends the Burnett's are coming over for fun and fellowship and FOOD!! They are so dear to our hearts. I know we are in for a good time and a loud time, 20 children total. They were so faithful to us as we walked through the darkest days of our lives, as were others too. Cheryl was the #1 sitter with Mercy while we were at the hospital. Mercy calls her "B."

Shopping day today, I did not cry much, I was so busy in thought getting stuff for Mercy's birthday. And nothing unusual happened, Praise the Lord!!!!

Have a fun Friday night!!!

Cindy

Some Days....

Well..... thanks for all the "fun" with the last post, your comments and e-mails made us laugh too!! How bout sending me some of you now!!!!!

A very sunny day but cold outside...... thats how I "feel." I do not know how many ways a mommy can write this....I MISS MY JOEL!!!!! "Knowing and feeling" are in constant war. Sometimes I just keep waiting for it all to be better, I think I am crying more now than last year. Maybe I was so numb last year and now the reality of it all is here, I do not know. You might say, its been a year now, why can't you just get going. My life, our life has been turned upside down and it is just flat hard. I know I have posted words that say I am going forward and strength is there and those are true words but some days it is harder than others and if you have not been here, you do not just get over this. It's very hard to look at things that you cannot see. Some days faith is just small and feelings are the giant. Some days it just seems that Gods voice is silent. Some days you want to go back in time and be the complete happy family that once was with Joel. Some days you would like the Lord to speak out loud to your heart. Some days you want answers. Some days its difficult to rejoice. Some days you want to scream from the pain your heart feels. Writing helps me to say what my heart feels, this is for me, making all these statements that seem like mumbo jumbo and people do not understand the bog you "feel' like your in. Some days my own children do not understand, it was their brother, but not their son, one that grew within and was apart of you. Now that I have poured out some of the feeling of the day, Lord willing I will keep putting one foot in front of another and continue on. I have to get the knowing to be the giant in front of me. God will see me through, he is faithful, his grace is sufficient for whatever we face. I will go on....

Maybe the hamburgers and a good cold Pepsi will make it better:) We are putting away the meat! I gave a report of what remains and the crew cannot believe how much we have ate already! Take a family of four, they might cook 4 T-bones verses 12 T-bones like we cook. It has been provision and we are grateful!

Saturday was such a beautiful day to begin with, by evening we were preparing the storm shelter for possible tornadoes and then on Sunday it snowed in the morning. On Saturday, the children got this huge tarp and were having what they called like being in a tornado. You got on the tarp and the wind was blowing so hard, it bounced you up and everywhere on the tarp. They then tied it to the snow sled and were pulled along. It has always been unusual fun around here with objects that are not really "toys." I found out that Joshua was bounced so hard on the tarp he came down to the house because he hit his head on the ground....I said very adamantly that we do not need anymore head injuries!! They did say after that a helmet was used!

See Josiah's picture with his holsters.... he looks sweet, I am glad it all worked out that we got the cap guns. I guess in eternity it does not matter about guns but about how we respond and how we love, sacrificially or selfishly. He has had fun and that will be a memory for him!!

Maybe this post sounds so blah, because I am thinking of Mercy's 2nd year of life coming up and that reminds me of Joel's full two year of health that he had before the short three year, it seems like everthing brings a memory here or there, or because I have bee reading about so many children that have died lately from NB, or they are fighting so desperately and that makes me sad to think of these families and the pain they have too. If you have ever done any research on NB it is a very aggressive cancer, most of the time by diagnosis it has already metastasized. I suppose as with any disease you just want cures and especially for these sweet children. One 7 year old I read about yesterday went in for regular chemo and after some tests neuroblastoma had spread and there is nothing else they can do, so the parents get to watch their child die, maybe days , maybe weeks, but the end will come far too soon. Maybe I should not read these stories, but then again I seek to pray for these families, the hurt, the inevitable. The sad news is that there is no cure for relapse NB, and most of the time that is the course it takes even if a child has been NED(no evidence of disease) for a year or sometimes two. It is a monster that moves too fast.

Congratulations to MICAH.....he has beat the bad habit of biting his nails and was rewarded $40.00. Way to go !!!! He went a month to reach his goal!

Josiah is our "Spring Lookout Observer." He asks almost everday, "how many days to spring"? He can hardly wait for the day when I say it is today! Maybe we should have a party? Ideas are under way for Mercy's and Andrew's party. I put this up the other evening to arouse curiousity and anticipation. (down at the bottom of this post) I love birthdays.

Thanks for your ears....I feel better already from just writing.... good therapy! I am going to trust and rest that its all for our good, even though it hurts and tears fall. Have a good night and stay warm, snow predicted again tomorrow.

Cindy

Then and Now...

Then...November 1986

Now...December 2007

Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us: whereof we are glad. Ps.126:2-3

Then..... at the very begining when our house (family) was being built by God, then there was laughter and our tongues were singing....even then the Lord had done great things for us. Now......the Lord is doing great things for us. This verse has made me think of our past, the grace and mercy of the Lord has been overflowing, Nothing has changed from then until now. Then, God was with us, he is with us now, he was with us then in our ignorance and immaturity, he is with us now as our hearts are being made better through sorrowing and mourning. There are no "ifs" in God's kingdom and this thinking is likely not sound, yet I thought it......if I could have had Joel without the trial of his cancer that would have been my desire, maybe thats selfish, but if the trial was destined and linked to having Joel (which it was) then I would take it a thousand times over verses not having Joel and not having a trial at all. To not have the opportunity to love Joel and to know Joel would break my heart more than this trial has broken it. To be Joel's mommy has brought fulfillment and joy unspeakable. The love he gave to his family, his sweet personality, his funny expressions, and of course his smile are forever pressed upon our hearts. And oh, what a full heart for Terry, to have the honor of having 9 sons, to be able to stand and fight for Joel's life, what love. His brothers and sisters would have never known a love that exceeds even death, a love that gives sacrificially in helping and serving a weaker vessel. We still love him! The gift of his life to our family outweighs any pain we have experienced. So even now, we laugh, we cry, we sing because we have known and loved a little boy named Joel. Ps.126:4-5 Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. We have sown in tears, I look forward to the reaping. It is a principle in scripture and in nature that when a seed is sown into the ground, it brings forth fruit, a harvest. I am offering up a prayer to the Lord as in v.4, the south streams makes me think of a soothing, peaceful, healing stream verses the north stream which might represent a cold, difficult stream. Let the south stream flow to our family.

I thought it might be fun to see "then and now," believe me I'm humbling myself posting some of the pictures (of me) they are scarry!!!! The hair do's look like a birdnest on top, why did not anybody tell me?? The Lord has brought us and growed us and we are still "growin and learnin." What an honor we feel from the Lord to recieve all these precious gifts from him. The memories are priceless!!! Now don't double over too much as you see all the BIG glasses and funny, long hair (on Terry) You have to remember the styles of the times :) Hope they will be a blessing and you don't laugh tooo much!!!!! I have one from each year starting with the year we were married 1986. These are pictures that we took,(except the wedding and the top three) and some we used as Christmas cards. Warning....LOTS of pictures below, like 20!!

1987 Caleb and Daniel came 10 mo. after we were married

1988 pregnant with Bethany

1989

1990 Arkansas

1991

1992 Elijah is with us now

Oklahoma 1993, Anna is here!

1994, Micah is here, moved out to the country

1995 pregnant with Andrew

1996 Andrew is here!

1997 pregnant with Joshua

1998 Joshua is our little papoose!

1999, back to a traditional looking family. :)

2000 Jeremiah is here!

2001

2002 Hosanna is here!

2003 pregnant, (didn't know yet) with twins!

2004 Joel and Josiah are 13-1/2 months old

2005 Joel and Josiah are 2, pregnant with Mercy

2006 our last family picture with Joel, him and Josiah are 3

2007, the cow punching crew!

P.S. Do you know what my blessing was today? Bethany helping me with these pics, many had to be scanned, down-sized and reformated....it took her a looong time! Thanks dear daughter!!!

Garden Helpers...

March already.....beautiful day, so Terry planted onions, approx 175 of them! He had alot of little helpers. One of the blessings of small children is they are closer to the ground and they can easily bend up and down without aches and pain! Our children have always loved the planting time. Last year we did not have garden, it was our 7th year and wanted to apply the principle of letting our ground rest. One of those waves came over me this morning, I had the windows open and heard the chatter of birds and it brought a great sigh, Joel's not here to help his daddy plant, he's not here to romp and run in the warm day.....but I girded up and went on. I read a scripture in Ps.149:2, Let Israel rejoice in him that made him; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. I enjoy scriptures about children and heaven, Joel is rejoicing in his King, the one that made him. I can receive that as a comfort for today. The picture of Joel was his last spring with us, he loved his farm and all the happenings, he was an outside boy for sure, he put alot of miles on his little feet in three years running all over this place. The feet imprints are on a sidewalk that has hands starting with Terry and then goes in birth order to Josiah, Joel and Josiah did feet because we could not get their hands to open and spread out! We are needing to get Mercy's feet soon, now that it is warm. The last concrete stone has a scripture I wrote on it, Prov.24:4, And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. We are blessed, our chambers are filled with greater riches than anything the world has to offer.....children!!!! Micah, Andrew and Joshua have helped so much with the flowerbeds, we got the south side done now. We had so much smoke from leaves burning, it looked like "indians on the war path." The weather sure plays alot on our feelings and emotions dosen't it? I guess I just know what he would be doing if he were here. Josiah jumped up on a rock and said "remember how me and Balley use to play on these?" We all miss him and that will never change!!!

I am so mad at myself....the children have done a few things that they received some money for, and they wanted to go spend it this morning. Josiah only had four dollars and he wanted a cap gun. I told him he did not have enough to get one, I was hoping to instill a principle to him or he might pick out something else, but it did not work. Hosanna did have enough to get one, so she made her selection and then guess what happened....Josiah starts whinning that he wants a cap gun. I told him again that he did not have enough and it was only proceeding to go to a higher pitch, so I got frustrated and said "here get the cap gun, I told you, you did not have enough, it is so sad that you are whinning over this." Of course he was happy to get it, but I did not instill the princple that I wanted, I reacted the wrong way!! Several reasons I was so sad with my own self, just this morning as I prayed I had made a request to the Lord and quoted back the scripture to the Lord about even as we earthly parents know how to give good gifts and we are evil, how much more do you give good gifts as our Heavenly Father I do not have it here to write out but maybe you remember it. So I am sad that here I am desiring a prayer to get answered and trusting that the Lord will hear and aid me because he is my Father, In reality I act many times like Josiah did, I whine or complain, or am not content. I was sad at myself because I was not a good example. Of course I did ask the Lord to forgive me and Josiah too. Josiah asked forgivness too for being whiney as I prompted him and we talked about it briefly. And I was also sad that I did not have a sacrificial love to him at the start to make up the money amount and be willing to give him a good gift just like I was asking from the Lord. As we were driving home, I was sad, because I would have done anything to be able to buy Joel one. It is the mercy of God that we(I) am not consumed! A humbling situation, still need help, growth and a continuing repentant heart!!!! A little commentary on cap guns, BB guns and pellet guns......in 14 years (since Caleb and Daniel were about 6) of gun buying, we could have an armoury that out weighed some army I know, if we had them all, and all the trillion, zillions of BB's shot.... they just found two bb guns out in the woods the other day..... and all the money spent on the little $20.00 ones up to the $99.00 pellet guns!!!!! You see how these brothers have influenced Hosanna, she's a little "Annie Oakley." But I guess its worth it..... the fun and memories!!!!!!

We have a few colds around here, stuffy, runny noses, coughs, Oh I pray it does not get worse. There are sooo many others sick. We are not meeting for church tomorrow due to sickness in other families. May the Lord keep you all well too!

I have to get my thinking cap on.....birthdays coming. Mercy's 2nd birthday on the 19th and Andrew's 12th birthday on the 21st of March. I have some ideas and I think it will come together. What our family likes to do as our young fellows turn 12 is have a "manly party" recognizing young manhood. The last one was with Micah in Aug.06. Joel and Josiah had the biggest time. We had the BIG party up at the barn, lots of food, lights around the cedar poles, probably at least a hundred balloons strung across the barn rafters, (we used the air compressor to blow them up) played some games and then the main thing we like to do is have a time where Terry, Caleb, Daniel and Elijah speak a blessing over them with challenges to set their hearts as flint to follow the Lord! We want them to have a mile marker of rememberance of entering manhood. So, I am trying to really go all out as we did with the others. It is a very special time in our sons lives for our family. I have to get busy!!!!!

Blessings to your family as you prepare for the Lord's Day!!!

Cindy