Monday, January 7, 2013


“If I could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all okay, and not to worry cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless, wont be idle with despair, I will gather myself around my faith, lights the darkness most fear.”

On January 10, 2007 we had to go to battle for our sons physical life. That day a Doctor took us to court to try to make us unplug Joel from life support, meaning he would just lay there and starve to death. The devils agenda is to steal, kill and destroy. I became very aware of it that day. As a parent, something rises within that will take you to the uttermost to "save" your child, whether its a battle with a Doctor, the enemy himself, or with whomever stands in the way. Joel did stay hooked up, he finally did recieve nourishment, he did get care......but it was not from doctors, his dad and I took care of him and one very kind nurse. I never ever wanted to have to "battle" for a child's life again.......

In August 2012, about 4 months ago, we were gonna have to do it again. It too was a physical battle but also a spiritual battle. The devil was seeking to "try" to steal, kill and destroy again. It was with our second born.Without going into all the details, several things began to expand to bigger things in his life and it just kept spinning downward. He was in Maryland, I was here. Phone calls after phone calls. Trying to encourage, trying to make connections for meetings. Me not sleeping, him not sleeping. Talking to people that were around him, trying to evaluate everything from 1000's of miles away. More and more phone calls turned into "please come home, we can figure it out!" him trying to overcome, trying to fight, yet the enemy was just weakening him more and more. I could hardly take the hopless statements in our conversations. I tried to be brave for him on the phone, yet when I hung up, I almost felt as hopeless as he. Its one of the times in my life that i wanted to fast forward, get to the end and we were just at the beginning. By the 3rd week of SEPTEMBER he was home. I was so scared, afraid for him. I didnt want him to be alone. Terry and I had no idea what to do, where to start for help. But I knew he was home and I had that mothers instinct that "home" was the place to be and start. I tried to just start with getting a routine going. Work, come home from work, fellowship with family or friends. From the outside, little would have been known, but on the inside, it was turmoil, hopelessness, no motivation, his will to live was gone. I was devastated to see him like this. Many many conversations, many many tears, many encouraging words, many words of trying to share truth but it was all falling into the dark pit that he was in. Depression is violent. Somehow I could "feel" with him from what I felt after Joel died. It was like I was here but not here. It was like I couldn't feel anymore. Though I lived in the daylight, I felt like I was being consumed by darkness. It was the enemy. Telling me lies, filling my mind with hopelessness. My very own second born son was feeling the very same things. Terry's source of prayer was definetly one of the mightiest weapons to slay the darkness that was pulling our son into its lasting pit but sometimes I felt like we had to do more to help. What????? The talks, conversations ended with blank stares. Somewhere way down in there was my son, but right now the devil had him in chains. Chains of doubt, of no confidence, he was paralyzed in his abilities, he saw nothing about his life that was worth going on for. After some time and things were not changing, and talking with a couple different people who had been in depression before, some suggestions were made and we thought we might better seek a doctors help. Calls and appointments were made. Calls and appointments were cancelled! I just hated the thought. I just kept thinking, time, time will surely begin its work soon. I know for me, the "time" and chains of the darkness after Joel died was a few weeks short of a year. For me, it was like a new day when I woke up one day. I wanted to live now. I didn't know if it would happen like that for him or not. I just kept praying that for him,. I kept praying that God would lift him out of the mirey clay. His siblings rallied around with encouragement, with hopefulness, with fellowship. The little ones loved on him, asked him to do things with him. Many dear friends were behind the scenes praying. Time was possibly beginning to be on our side. The blank stares and hollowness in the eyes were beginning to show something. Time was proving it self. But really it was God, it was prayer, it was Jesus delivering, helping, restoring.

We praise God for what He has done. As I look back, I had no idea how all this was gonna get better, get fixed, or how deliverance and help would come. God at times uses many "means" to accomplish His will and purposes. I do know that throughout the conversations that he and I had, one in-particular, as we stood on the front porch, and when he said, "mom, I don't know how to get outta this. As I stood beside a six foot man, with hopelessness to live and tears on his cheeks, I could no longer take him in my lap, pat his back, tell him it was all gonna be ok, because I didn't even know it myself. We desperately needed Gods arm of deliverance. God did use "time" to bring help and healing. He did use "home." He did use prayers. The Lord has delivered. Daniel is refueled, rejuvenated, ready for ALL of life that God has for him! We praise the Lord for all he has done.

These verses are becoming very meaningful to me. "time!" there are times and seasons. A time to die. Time to heal. Time is what was key for Daniel.

Only a few weeks until Hosanna's birthday which is also Joel's heaven day. I always try to figure out a way to remember and celebrate both events. .....and as in the past 5 years, God ALWAYS comes through with a creative idea. Theses verses are the inspiration of the theme I hope to do that with. A time to dance and laugh as we celebrate the 23rd. A Time For _____! (I'll leave a little mystery to it)

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

I had no idea if I would ever share this situation. I didn't know what the outcome would be. I asked Daniel if I could and I praise God that I can. Thank you to our pastor and his lovely wife who "felt" with us/with Daniel, thank you to a special friend in MD, who talked me through some of the things I didn't understand about depression.....because she knew. Thank you....Jesus most of all.

never doubt, never fear that He will NOT help.....


Daniel and Jaynee Lockwood and Family said...

We love you all! Give Daniel a hug from us (you can hug all of you from us :) ). Praying for you and thankful for you!

Katie said...

I was humbled and uplifted by your story--your faith is always so inspirational to me. God is good all the time. God bless you and God bless Daniel.

Liv said...

Just what I needed to read tonight. I am learning that God truly uses our brokenness, especially when we begin to share our hearts with those around us. Bonding takes place as others are able to share their stories of how God has delivered them from times of darkness, doubt, hopelessness. Thank you both for being vulnerable and sharing! And praise God for the work He did do and is still doing in your family.

Vanderpolclan said...

Thank you for sharing Cindy. Depression is so hard on everyone. We pray for continued strength and rejoice in God's goodness


Rachel said...

Tears on my cheeks as I read this.... Tears of sadness and of joy! Please thank Daniel for having the courage to share.

Teena said...

Oh Cindy, my heart goes out to you. I needed to hear this... God's timing is perfect. Thank you for sharing. Please tell Daniel we will pray for him. You have been on my heart for some time... I am so thankful you shared.

Much much love...

Emma and Mommy said...

Sorry I am so late in reading this, as I have battled a few things of my own recently. I am so glad you shared about Daniel. I too was humbled by the story. Your never failing faith in God has helped bring me through a few tough times in my life, its opened my eyes to so much! This post reminds me of one of my fave verses. Psalm 42:5
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.

God is so good and I am glad to hear Daniel is restored and facing life with a new outlook.

Brenda said...

Thanks for sharing! Love your family! God is good!

Brenda said...
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