Peaceable Fruit....

Grandparents have come and gone......as always a fun time, laughs till our bellies hurt, Pop's stories and his drama in his personality is quite entertaining, his demonstration of his new sinus cleaning procedure was " thrilling":) and we enjoyed our pizza night. Mercy really had fun with her NaNa reading books and being held!! Also Pop took Bethany and Elijah to take their road test so that we now have 6 drivers.....Whewwww!!!!! Memories to be held in our hearts!

I read a scripture this morning in Heb.12:11, Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. As we have experienced the first half of that verse, I am looking to the "afterward." I am praying the Lord to bring forth the peaceable fruit of righteousness. I am in hopes that the Lord will grant a shade to fall upon the pain and grant me to see the fruit. Fruit in my own heart, our family and in the borders around us. Truly this trial is an exercise of my faith, may it become deeper and stronger. Another area that I feel like I am exercised in is in my mind, how the enemy is so lurking around to put thoughts that are not true about the Lord, and to make thoughts arise with the "if's and why us." I have been reading two books on God's providence and they have been very encouraging. There is much more peace when I am thinking about how God planned and purposed Joel's life and he could not exceed the bounds, the days that the Lord had for him. This author encourages to "remember" the providences of the past in our lives to see how merciful the Lord has been to us. I am so moved with tears as I tell the Lord thank you for the fresh memories of Joel and Josiah's pregnancy and birth. Just the history of providences in our own lives should bring an overwhelming humbleness to the Lord, mercies that we do not deserve, yet we are recieving these new each day!

Guess what....... we had to get a ping-pong table!!! We set it up in our living room in the evenings and we have tournaments. Terry is undefeated.....but we are hoping someone will rise up and beat him!!! Just another way to be together and enjoy each other!

Not much else happening around here except the "norm." I kind of like the so called boring days.
Josiah woke up from his nap and wanted "toast and eggs," a Balley meal, remember? Joel is present it seems in all that we do.... Mercy continues to show "Joel stuff" through her mannerisms and especially when she giggles real hard, sounds just like his voice to me! I just stop and relish that moment of his voice through her. As Mercy sees pictures of Joel and Josiah she always says "Siah," I tell her it's Joel and then she repeats his name and it sounds so sweet. How we will have to fill her little mind with our memories to her as she grows up. She will surely know Joel's love and affection he had for her as she sees the pictures of Joel's embraces.

The little baby Remy's surgery has been changed to the 8th at 7 a.m. Please pray for them as they face this. I read this also this morning and thought of this family and how we need to enter in with them through prayer... Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body. Heb. 13:3 Lets be bound with them......

For yet a little while. and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry...........Looking for that day, may we ALL get ready for it!!!!!!!!

Cindy


P.S. Look at the dessert Anna made....she even made the little cups out of chocolate!!!!! I hope you do not mind me mentioning the DVD review again, if you have had the opportunity to watch it, would you be willing to give a review? The link is over on the side. Thanks!!

Pray for baby Remy!!

Remember the little baby I mentioned a few posts back, Remy (about 4mo. old) She had the CAT scan and they still cannot determine alot about the tumor behind the eye. They are going to do surgery Thursday, 7th at 7:ooa.m. to get a biopsy. They will take it to the lab while she is sedated and if cancer they will try to remove it. If they are not able to get to the tumor whether cancerous or not the other option will be raditation. Please pray for this sweet young couple as they face the unknown. They have two other little boys and the oldest around 5 is very sad and concerned about his baby sister as he remembers Joel and his cancer. Thank you for taking these in Christ before the throne of our great God!!!!!

Cindy

Shopping Day...

On Friday I set off for my shopping day, groceries, ect. for the home for the two week time frame. Prior to this I always make my menu and then make a list of all that is needed. It helps to not spend on things that are not nessecity to the meals. Our menu consists of easy preperation, try to be healthy and I try to include a new dish for variety. I guess since I go alone that these days are always tearful. One vivid memory I have of Joel is upon arriving from a grocery day as I am driving up Joel flings the door open and he is hanging out looking with the biggest smile and on that day I had bought him some new jeans, he was sooo excited. I make my rounds of Sams, Wal-Mart, Aldi's, Crest(a grocery store) all of my thrift stores and then I like to go in Kohl's. I wonder sometimes if people are trying to figure out why this lady's eyes are red. Just catching glimpses of items that I purchased for Joel, like organic juce, and then going to Kohl's where I purchased many of his "nighties" that he had in the hospital brings an overwhelming sense of reality...he's not here! I talk to to the Lord alot pouring out my groanings of just missing him. I told Terry that as I see the three parts of myself, the mind the will and the emotions, I can find some consolation in my mind with the Truth that the Lord has and is working his good pleasure and will out. With the "will" I can find somewhat of consolation in the fact that I can move forward with my will in the hope of seeing Joel in the future. It is the emotions that I cannot seem to get consolation....the longings, the tears that are shed, missing him so very much. I do not know if that makes sense but it just feels like a permanant disability that is there. Maybe that is just the way it is and will be. I am very open to hearing truth spoken to my heart, and many have encouraged me with scriptures and I am grateful for your input. Now do not be weary in well doing if you can give any insight. As for the shopping trip it went well in gathering the food that these big boys can eat. For example: about 25# of hamburger meat, two round steaks, two roasts, 10-12 # of butter, 40# potatoes, 10# chedder cheese, 4# slice chedder cheese, 4-6 dozen eggs plus what we use from our own. We are soon to get 30-40 eggs a day from our chickens and no more store bought!!!! three bags of oranges, two bags of apples, 4# of grapes, lots of lettuce, and then put on top of that can goods, pasta and just the regular staples ( plus usung a few of our own chickens in the freezer) I really do not have room to bring others, the van's floor space and seats are pretty much covered. It is a great blessing to look at these provisions and to open the books of rememberance in what the Lord has provided all these years! He has blessed us with our daily bread!!!

I heard someone say one time, "its the books you read and the people you meet," of how they might impact your life or how the Lord might use them and you. We have met more new people in this journey and it has been a blessing. This weekend we enjoyed two adventures, a ping-pong tournament at a sweet couples home and their little girl of around 10 months, Terry and the boys met Kevin through their work. We had a fun time and lots of laughs! The other adventure was fellowshipping with about 3 familes and shooting "skeets." (shooting a gun at these flying discs that a machine juts out) I did not do it but the rest of the crew did, except the small ones. Since all the guys like hunting and guns it was a real "thrill" for them. Anyway meeting these folks was very nice, and again fun and laughs. One of the feelings that I experience is a sense of guilt. That Joel is not here with the people he loved and having the fun and fellowship with our own family and others. I feel like he is missing out! It is so much a mind batttle... a battle with the "now" verses what he is really experiencing. May the Lord use these times of meeting and visiting new folks for His glory.

Now this is for moms and wives.....do you ever have "moments?" Sometimes I have these short-lived moments of wanting things fixed and changed! I will have to say very, very quickly that Terry is very happy to do all these things that I think of, our delays tend to fall into the resource catagory. We live in a house that is 30 plus years old and there are some things that I would like to change\ re-do! Our home is really very condusive to our large family. The kitchen\dinnning\washroom is really the only thing I want to re-vamp! After I had my little "moment" the other day and some with dropped mouths saw my display....as they left for work the bid me not to take the cabinets off the walls till they got back:) Terry knows all to well how he can leave in the morning and the walls be one color and on arriving at home they can be a new color and furniture back in place. I will have to say since our journey with Joel, it does help bring "things" into perspective and my moments are very short lived as opposed to maybe before Joel's sickness. Well....... after the little "moment" all is ok now, I can continue on with how things are and continue to pray for the Lord will grant what is needed in His time. Just wondering if times like this happen to you?

I guess as I look at this year 2008 it is the first year without Joel as he was with us a short time in 2007, I am trying to figure out what next....maybe just starting out with the simple, like trying to be consistent with school, seeking to walk in the spirit in my home with my own family. There are plenty more plans to add to the list, I think if I start out simple and see progress it will be more encouraging that doing a whole lot and not seeing results. May the Lord bless each mom and wife as you seek to minister to your children each day.

Grandparents are to arrive tomorrow, Terry's folks from the Houston area. Pop is all inclusive entertainment. He tells the children funny stories and he is sooo layed back! I think one of the things that I have been blessed by with Terry's dad is he is so generous. He gives exactly like the scripture says, hilariously! He gives without any grudge! Thanks POP for being such an example to the fact "its only money." Terrys mom loves to just be with her granchildren. Whether its a walk, a game or reading books, she LOVES it!!!! Thanks NaNa for being a great grandmother! There will be alot of "hootin and hollerin" going on, late nights, scrabble and lots of good medicine of a merry heart! Pray my heart will not quench the fun as I will probably think about my sweet little Joel:(

Thanks for listening to me ramble.....focus, focus focus, forward, forward, with the truth before me......I can do all things through Christ!

A friend sent me this quote, they recently have had a treasure go to heaven in her first trimester of pregnancy..... "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do what is best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." --- C.S. Lewis

Cindy

Happy 6th Birthday to Hosanna !

A "Rainbow Promise Party" was Hosanna's theme. We celebrated her 6th birthday and Joel's Happy Heaven Day thinking about God's promises to us. His promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us, His promise to deliver sinners from sin to those who call upon Him in faith, His promise of eternal life and to spend eternity with very special people that we miss. Hosanna's day started out with.....you know... DONUTS!!!!! Terry and the boys started work a little later so we could have her party in the morning. She opened her presents and was delighted to receive Playmobils, beads to make wonderful necklaces and braclets, a book, a bike (which I shouted through the house....."can you please not run over this one!") I also got Hosanna a special gift that had heart meaning to share with her, I found a "real braclet her size that had pretty blue beads on it with two silver beads that said "faith" and on the other one " love." I told her this was a braclet that was to help her remember her sweet brother Joel, and that the love bead would help her to know that God loves her and her family too, and the faith bead was to remind her that we are praying for her to put her faith in Jesus soon in her life, and that with faith and hope in the Lord to see Balley again. I also found a little 'Willow Tree' figurine of a little girl holding a balloon that said Birthday Girl. (I have started collecting these for special occasions as many were given in memory of Joel. I decided too, that on the day of Joel's going to be with the Lord I wanted to get something each year in memory of him, so I found a little boy 'Willow Tree' that is holding a balloon and it says "Hope." I let Josiah open that for Joel. I was so happy in my heart to find this as it reminds of what I have to look forward to with Joel. The morning went well as we celebrated with Hosanna. She and Josiah were occupied enjoying all the new gifts. In the evening after the guys got home we had her birthday meal of....GRILLED HAMBURGERS!!!! You might wonder why we have these so much.... these are not your ordinary hamburgers! The reason these hamburgers are sooooo good is because Bethany makes homemade wheat buns and uses flour that we have ground ourself! The only way these will be better is when we get our own beef in a few weeks. Hosanna also requested chips and cokes, shhhhhhh, keep that one quiet!!!! I decided to read the poem I wrote to Joel, and it brought tears as we gathered around together before our meal. Hosanna really had a happy day and I just wanted to make up from last year as she didn't have a "real" party because we were at the hospital. As for all the decorations, Bethany and Danielle made the rainbow on Monday out of poster board, and with the addition of a few clouds and balloons, it was very easy to get into the party atmosphere!

I made it through the day with the great grace of the Lord and my secret bag of M&M's :) You all once again came to our hearts and home with phone calls, e-mails, cards, and comments that were so encouraging and full of compassion, and some very sweet people even sent some flowers! Thank you does not seem enough, but it is with a very grateful heart I say "thank you" for walking with us on this journey. I woke up in the morning with my adrenalin going, looking at the clock on and off, thinking "he only has this much time left before he would leave mortality and put on immortality, before he would fly away from us.....by the end of the day I was soooo tired, I guess emotionally it wore me out! There were alot of tears, wonderings, wishings, and trying to "rest" in the Lord's will, but it was and is so often very hard. I read what someone wrote on their blog about how the first year you feel numb, the second year is reality, and the third year is better. I did'nt like the looks of that....this first year has been ever so hard, I cannot imagine the second being worse....I think I am just going to try to get through each day and trust the Lord for that great grace, and maybe I will break the statistics!!!!

I have read some scriptures that have been helpful to my heart. Ps.84:11-12 ...the Lord will give grace and glory... blessed is the man that trusteth in thee. I like those words "will give" and I am going to ever be looking for that! In Ps.84:6, Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools. I reallly liked the word picture that I saw in this.... I was encouraged that we "pass through the valley," and in thinking about people in the Old Testament, families, individuals traveling place to place and they dug wells, and then they moved on yet the well was there for the next ones that might come on that same path. I was just thinking how we passed through that valley and dug our well, filled it with our tears and now we will move on, leaving it for those that will come behind us, hoping that our well, what we have beeen through, our tears, our hearts that now knows pain in suffering a death, that we can comfort, help cry with, feel their pain will be a blessing to others. I do not like to think others will hav to go through what we have, but people we know or do not know will possibley walk behind us as we have walked behind those that were ahead of usand they dug their wells and left them for our family. May our well of tears bring glory to God and be a comfort to others!

I read in Mark 6:45-54 a while back and was reminded of it these last few days.... Jesus saw the disciples toiling in rowing for the wind was contrary to them, and how Jesus came to them in the fourth watch of the night, then at the end of the section, it says they came out of the ship and "knew him." That really blessed me that yes Jesus was with us in the darkest of our night, in our toiling and when the wind and storm was so great, yet the time came when they got off the boat and they knew him. That is my prayer, that I will know him more, understand him more. It seems like a big plan and me with such little faith.....but may it be so. Sometimes God's school of faith just seems too hard and I go 7 steps forward only to find I also go 10 back. One step, then another, then another and on and on, I think the key is just making sure I keep moving forward.

As I faced the day yesterday, I was asking God to do something special, I just needed something. I do not know if I was thinking something was suppose to happen big at around 4:30 or what, but at the end of the day I found myself somewhat disappointed. I finally started really thinking of all the "things" the Lord did do....of course all the people that shared in our day as I mentioned above, then I was wanting Josiah not to be sick on this day, as he did not feel good the day before, how the Lord has given a great comfort with the two dates of Joel's birthday and his date of death, He has blessed us with Josiah on the birthday date and it really is a comfort to have Hosanna's birthday on the day he died. The other blessing for me was, Terry and the boys usually do not get home early and they were not planning it, but they arrived around 4:20, I was blessed that we were all here together as we were all together at that time last year. So the Lord is so very compassionate.

We made it and it does seem like a load being lifted. I kind of feel like "what now?" I still feel physically tired, so maybe I just need to get rested up and then figure that question out later. I want you to truly know that you all have blessed me and have been such a source or strength!

Did you notice I typed all this in a rainbow? For the parties sake:) May the Lord send his Rainbow Promises into your heart today!!!!!

Cindy

JOEL

September 13, 2003-Janruary 23 2007

JOEL

My little boy of 3 years, 4 months, and 10 days
Joel a twin a blessing in so many ways

Your big brown eyes, your pudgy cheeks
I miss you so, my heart just breaks

What fun and laughs and games you played
Dump trucks, tractors and sandcastles made

Brothers eight and sisters four
Our home so rich, not one bit poor

“Siah” your brother, your twin
Picnics and parties, your life from the begin

Sometimes crying and then giggles you brought
I loved the tiny voices that my ears often caught

Plans of playing inside and out
Kept us on our toes as your feet pattered about

Three summers, four winters you were here
Daddy’s little helper, with your heart full of cheer

Gardens and flowers were dug with your hands
Our dream, our desire for you to become a man

Your Father above, your Creator too
Has accomplished his will because he knew

Your days in our home have come and gone
Your memory is in our hearts will ever be so long

One day you will meet us at heavens gates
Our hands and our embraces you will take

Your journey so young bearing you to your Fathers throne
What a joy it will be as you welcome us home

My heart will be mended when I see your face
We will live together in that heavenly place

Sending our love to you today
We miss you, our Joel, see you soon....okay?

~From your Mommy

Thank you Lord, for Joel's life.......

Thank you for fearfully and wonderfully creating him.....

Thank you for a blessed twin pregnancy and amazing homebirth......

Thank you for the memories that we all have with Joel......

Thank you for his sweet voice and cute personality........

Thank you for three perfectly healthy, happy years......

Thank you for all the brothers and sisters that were before and after and hopefully more......

Thank you that you gave Joel an endurance in his sickness and trial

Thank you for all the people that held our hands in this journey.......

Thank you for your Presence........

Thank you for your grace when I did not think I could go on......

Thank you for giving grace to Joel and he did not suffer like so many others with NB.....

Thank you that he is safe in your care......

Thank you for the "Hope" that we will be together again....

Thank you that there is victory over death through the Cross and Resurrection........

Thank you that your Grace is greater than this pain and hurt in my heart......

Thank you that I can trust that you have and are accomplishing your will.......

Thank you for Jesus, it is because of Him that there is a list above......

Tears are being shed.....grace felt.......hope is before us......

Remember Joel's plea about all the pills and "pokey" things, he would say "I'm all done??" Now your all done, Balley!!!!!

~Cindy

Happy 6th Birthday to Hosanna today, we love you!!!!!! (I will post her BD tomorrow)