Wednesday, May 6, 2015

now...

Maybe this blog is turning into my "outlet" for disappointment as it once was my outlet for grieving. I really don't care who reads this or mind if you don't read this. I don't want your pitty. I just need to write. The posts I have made haven't been encouraging so if you feel like you can't stop here anymore that's ok. Life is life and right now, my spirit is low. I positively know that I have many things to be thankful for and believe me, I try to focus on those a lot but then the burdens engulf me. I guess things around me keep changing but then nothing is changing. Like kids are going on with their lives and I couldn't be happier they are getting to do so much more than I ever did. Anna, my songbird has moved to Indiana. Of course Bethany moved out several months ago and she loves it. I think Elijah is next. He's likely heading out late summer gearing up for life's adventures! He needs to! The talk is Caleb is possibly taking the construction company over and trying to do something with it. Reality is, it's not been a success. Right now, Terry can't even pay the guys for working. People won't pay him and then always trying to play catch up. It's been a vicious circle and hardest time in the business in 7 years. Caleb is very smart and if anyone can he can. Terry is trying to do a multi-marketing thing and at this point it's not takin off and he just keeps pouring money into it. I mean,I admit I'm more on the pessimistic side but I do not believe in multi-marketing plans. I certainly don't mind him doing it but at this point I don't see any results. I have no idea what Andrew and Micah will do for work. That's partly where some of my disappointment lies. About all we were and are able to do with our kids is get them through high school. We don't have resources to give them a higher education even if they wanted to. I feelike a failure. Homeschool is great in many ways but it seems like limited opportunities. We never were able to allow them to participate in sports which many of them wanted to but there was no finances to do it. I know finances are not the answer to life's problems but it does allow opportunities sometimes. I've always wanted to help my kids with any endeavors they pursued and it's something I feel passionate about, but that passion is buried for now because i can't help them. Maybe grieving a child turns into a heart of disappointment just over life in general. I don't know. I just wish my life was different and I could go back a re-write a happy ending. Maybe it is yet to happen. You don't have to comment and console me, I'm trying to pour my grief at the cross, it's the only place.

Wedding coming up. That's happy!!  

3 comments:

James and Krista Gerlach said...

Mrs. Morris,
You don't know me. Many years ago when the video about Joel came out my family purchased a copy and we all watched it together. Since then, over the years, I have kept up with your family somewhat. I've never commented before on your blog, but I feel Jesus prompting me to share some things with you.
I come from a fairly large homeschool family of 10. I'm the oldest daughter with 3 older brothers. I know the dynamics and challenges of a large, single-income family. Let me just say, that although my parents couldn't afford to let us do sports or other activities, the things we were able to do were fabulous. Looking back on my childhood, it's not the sports, or the music, or the opportunities that would have made an impact on my life. It was the love, encouragment, and example of my parents. They sacrificed so much for my siblings and I. I know you do as well. Even if you don't see it now you are creating a legacy that will live on in your children, and in their children.
2 years ago today I lost my first child. I was heartbroken. It was very dark time in my life but my husband and family were so loving. I had to remember that I still had them. Now I have a beautiful 1 year old. I will always have a place in my heart for my first child as you do for Joel. Just look up at the sky and remember where he is, who he is with, and that you will see him again. Life is hard. But you will continue to run this race, and with God's help you will finish strong. I hope you have a blessed day!
Krista

Smart Coupon Lady said...

You don't me but I just wanted to say I hope things get better for you.

Danielle said...

Hi Mrs. Morris,
Ever since your daughter-in-law Kristen started writing about how she met your family, I have kind of kept up with her and then you, just recently. :) I felt compelled to comment on this post because I don’t like seeing people feeling discouraged because I know how it feels to feel like a failure. I will try to keep this short and not blab ;) You are NOT a failure. The enemy likes to drag us down like that, and my mom has always encouraged me to look forward. Don’t worry about what you haven’t done because that will only immobilize you. Just turn that disappointment around into motivation to move forward and do wonderful things now. I know it’s hard not to dwell on things you wish you could have done, but the most fulfilling thing we can do is to focus on today and what we can do with what we have right now.

I would never dream to presume I understand what you have gone through over the years, but I do know the feeling of failure and disappointment and I just want to encourage you that you are not a failure and that God is doing amazing things through you. From what I can see, you have done an excellent job of instilling a solid work ethic and passion for life in your children and that is way more important than getting a college degree or playing organized sports (even though these things can be so great!). I really know very little about your family, but keep up the good work of encouraging your children to follow God and their passions!! I totally agree with Krista in the comment above, that the things that have made the biggest impact were my parents' examples and the little (at least in the world’s eyes) things they have done for us. Another encouragement, from my mom again :) is from Matthew 6:33 so I’ll leave you with that.

Oops! That was way longer than I intended, but I hope in some small way this can encourage your heart.

and Congratulations on your son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law’s wedding! What an exciting celebration!! :D