Wedding coming up. That's happy!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Maybe this blog is turning into my "outlet" for disappointment as it once was my outlet for grieving. I really don't care who reads this or mind if you don't read this. I don't want your pitty. I just need to write. The posts I have made haven't been encouraging so if you feel like you can't stop here anymore that's ok. Life is life and right now, my spirit is low. I positively know that I have many things to be thankful for and believe me, I try to focus on those a lot but then the burdens engulf me. I guess things around me keep changing but then nothing is changing. Like kids are going on with their lives and I couldn't be happier they are getting to do so much more than I ever did. Anna, my songbird has moved to Indiana. Of course Bethany moved out several months ago and she loves it. I think Elijah is next. He's likely heading out late summer gearing up for life's adventures! He needs to! The talk is Caleb is possibly taking the construction company over and trying to do something with it. Reality is, it's not been a success. Right now, Terry can't even pay the guys for working. People won't pay him and then always trying to play catch up. It's been a vicious circle and hardest time in the business in 7 years. Caleb is very smart and if anyone can he can. Terry is trying to do a multi-marketing thing and at this point it's not takin off and he just keeps pouring money into it. I mean,I admit I'm more on the pessimistic side but I do not believe in multi-marketing plans. I certainly don't mind him doing it but at this point I don't see any results. I have no idea what Andrew and Micah will do for work. That's partly where some of my disappointment lies. About all we were and are able to do with our kids is get them through high school. We don't have resources to give them a higher education even if they wanted to. I feelike a failure. Homeschool is great in many ways but it seems like limited opportunities. We never were able to allow them to participate in sports which many of them wanted to but there was no finances to do it. I know finances are not the answer to life's problems but it does allow opportunities sometimes. I've always wanted to help my kids with any endeavors they pursued and it's something I feel passionate about, but that passion is buried for now because i can't help them. Maybe grieving a child turns into a heart of disappointment just over life in general. I don't know. I just wish my life was different and I could go back a re-write a happy ending. Maybe it is yet to happen. You don't have to comment and console me, I'm trying to pour my grief at the cross, it's the only place.