It was February 1992. We lived in arkansas. A place where i had lived for 29 years. Terry and I have 6 years under our belts, 4 children, one on the way. Caleb and Daniel, 4 1/2, Bethany, almost 2, Elijah, 14 mo and Anna is cooking until Sept. The routine of our lives was very simple. Terry goes to work at our church as youth pastor, I take care of children, my mom comes over many mornings, as we lived close, just to pop in, sometimes bringing treats for the children. Terry comes home for dinner. I play and take walks with the kids outside, do house work, fix dinner. And many evenings were spent playing outside with a few neighborhood children. Get baths and start all over the next morning. It was simple, easy and very carefree. But this Feb. Of 92', God stated working up some different plans for our family. A church in Oklahoma had contacted Terry to see if he was interested in pastoring a small church. Of course we prayed and sought Gods will. They flew us out to meet them. Great people! They ask Terry to come as their Pastor. We did. By June 1992, we lived in Guthrie, Ok. It was the first time in my life of 29 years to live in another place. A few men of the church drove down to help us move. They would drive the moving truck back, unload all our stuff in a quaint little, 1100 square foot house that they were so generously letting us stay at and we would be there in a week after Terry finished up a camp obligation. We had all the men over to my parents house the night before they were to load the truck for dinner. Just being kind and also they could meet my parents. I cooked dinner. My mom was unable to get out of bed that day and meet them. She had a migraine. But later I understood that it just wasn't her "normal" migraine. She was literally having a migraine because of all the changes that had so suddenly come upon her daughters life. Everything was about to change. For all of us. Everything, every familiar thing was going to change. The daily routines, her routines, Terry's routine, our evening routines, nothing was going to ever be the same again. I had no idea what she was experiencing. I didnt "feel" her pain, her loss, her heartache. I just looked ahead with excitement, was full of anticipation, just about to burst with all the newness of "our" life.
We settled into our new routine. It wasn't alot different than in Arkansas. My parents came to visit quite often. Sept. came and our first Oklahoma baby was born. My mother came to help, cook and clean. She left and our lives once again turned to daily mundane life. It was happy and peaceful.
A year went by. It was now summer of 93'. My mom had battled cancer previous and now it had retuned. By July, she was not doing well. Last week of July she was admitted to the hospital and on Aug. 9, 1993, she went to see Jesus. Life didn't feel
right for a very long time. But God's grace, as always, glued my life, my routines, back together once again. I deeply missed her, thought of her, smelled her, longed for her cooking, painstakingly showed the kids photos of her, was blessed to be her daughter. She had impacted my life for the rest of my life. Cliches are so cliche! I hate them sometimes because they don't do justice. But it was true, I appreciated her more now that she was gone. So many moments in the days and years ahead would take me back to "moments" of her words to me when I was younger, or a teen or a new mother. Her words rang out so very often. How is it, that back then, they didn't hit home, I really didn't "hear" what she was saying???? But....... I get it now!!!!!!!!! I had to experience it for myself before I REALLY knew or understood or could feel like her words were trying to say back then. I had to become a mom with children like she had. I get it now!! I "feel" it now. I "understand" it now!!! Parenting has been an experience that is undescribable! It's so full of joys, of exhilaration's that you feel you can't go any higher. You feel like your heart can't grow any bigger. The love you have for a child is the summit of feeling love and loving.
Sure, change is inevitable. It WILL take place. I have written several times about this subject and it's just where I am now, where Terry and I both are. We are not complaining, or wishing our kids never to grow up but it has deff been a rending season for our hearts. Not in a way that we want them to feel bad for the way we feel, nor wanting pity from others, it's basically just the cycle of life that occurs.....change. We are proud, grateful, excited for all of the kids and what their lives are about right now. But in those quite moments where I find myself alone, maybe driving down the road and my eyes are so blurry with tears of yesteryear or when you go to a place and you walk in their alone and memories carry you back to happy thoughts of "back then." You just cry and smile all at the same time. It's just a thing parents do I guess. Thats what my mom was experiencing that
evening she had a headache. Her heart was rending of the change, yet smiling in her heart because your so happy for your child.I had no idea what she was "feeling" then, but I do now.....
This cycle of life will happen to our children. One day they will "feel, know, experience" the things we have as changes happen to them. Then their children will "feel, experience, understand" the words that they will tell their children and so on til Jesus comes.
So it just all comes down to you don't know until you "know" for yourself. You don't appreciate fully until "after." You won't "feel" until you have felt. That's just how it works.
So,I get it now......