Thursday, March 1, 2007

Treasures in the midst of darkness

I'm looking for treasures, treasures that the Lord brings and puts in my path. Like yesterday, it was so nice outside, Josiah wanted to swing. I pushed him and we talked about Joel. Josiah said "Joel cannot swing" I replied "no he lives in heaven with Jesus, he dosen't have cancer any more." Josiah said "he's not sick, he's happy!" Oh to have the faith of a little child! Josiah then got into the swing that seats two, it was so hard to see Josiah there and the empty seat beside him. This was one of Joel's greatest joys, swinging. Josiah remembered and said, "Joel sat right here." Josiah remembers me pushing them very hard and high and I would sing Jesus love me to them, loud of course since we were outside and in the country. Josiah said, "Bally would laugh." It was a moment of great pain yet joy as I had to smile with Josiah as he was laughing and having such fun! So that was a treasured moment. I need these treasures from the Lord. The pain is so deep!
By sight it all seems despairing, by faith there is hope.
By sight I cannot see the good, by faith I must know that it all works for good.
By sight I'm lonely, by faith I can be comforted.
By sight it seems like we're the loosers, by faith Jesus is the victor.
By sight it seems so long till I'll see Joel again, by faith "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." (II Pet. 3:8)
That would be my greatest need now, to have more faith.

Life is so busy around here, a new baby bull calf born on Monday (Elijahs). Awaiting possibly 6-8 baby goats in the next month or two. It's funny how Joel and Josiah were so different as farm opportunities came up. Joel really enjoyed "getting in to the farm," like helping feed the animals. Josiah is a little more timid. Joel had rather be "hands on" with any farm chore or work and Josiah likes to play more with toys outside. I think he's taking some training from Hosanna as they were making mud the other day! I guess Joel was demostrating a first born trait, a leader.

Oh another little treasure, the Lord brought to my mind on Sunday was the meaning of their names, Joel's name means Jehovah is God. To me that is saying God is in control, God was in control of Joel's precious life. Josiah's name means Jehovah heals. That brought comfort to my heart, the Lord has allowed Josiah to be here with us, to be a kind of healer to our hurting hearts.

I'm almost finished with Joel's photo album about his diagnoses and then his journey at the hospital in December and through January. I'm so thankful for all the pictures we have. Starting on the 4th of January we have pictures of most every day with him. I've found strength looking at these daily as I have been working on it. I'm not looking forward to finishing it, because my heart will know once again the reality of Joel not being here, the pictures have ended. Thats the hard part of the journey for us that are left, the ups and downs of the emotions, the strength you feel one moment and then the utter despair of falling on the ash heap again.

As for the family, time does not stop, the days are going on. School (trying), laundry, meals, chores, and work.

May the Lord give grace and bless each of your homes. We are grateful for your continued support of prayer and encouraging words!
The over-all and the stair pictures were taken October 8, and the pasture picture October 20.
Joel looks so healthy. It is still hard to think it all happened so quickly. These pictures are another little treasure. We just found the CD on Sunday. It was misplaced. I was so thankful that the Lord allowed us to find them.


Christal said...

It brings me to tears again to feel your pain and a mother's heart. To picture and "hear" Josiah's words - how the heart breaks again and again.
God, give Cindy and Terry a balm, a healing oil of joy for their hearts. Help them Lord, in their sorrow. You are the Man of sorrows, so we know You understand. Cover them Lord with your Presence and comfort.
We send our hugs and love... Please know that we care about you and you are not alone.

Deborah said...

The pictures in your album come to an end, dearest sister, but I hope the word pictures we have of Heaven are a comfort to your soul. Can you imagine Joel there, with the Lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world? The end of the book of Revelation, the whole thing, but especially the end is always a joy to read. We pray God's blessings for you this day.

Ken, Debbie and Lisa

Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing your heart ... remember Joy cometh' in the morning! God is faithful.
Enjoyed seeing the photo of all your boys! Did your resident photographer take that one? =)
Love and prayers, Crook Family, Kansas

Lockwoods said...

I pray for your family daily. As I read your entries, my heart aches for you. I love hearing all your stories of Joel....share all you can. The Lord has never taken one of our children home, so I know that I cannot fully understand all you are going through. But the Lord has taken our family through many, many trials. And I do understand how exactly what you are saying about our feelings being one way and having to have faith and trust in our ever loving Lord. He has always been faithful....I pray that you will be drawn ever closer to Him and He will make His presence known to you all.
love in Christ,