Monday, October 1, 2007

The Beginning...

As the month of October is here, it is hard for my heart. The first fever Joel had was probably in the first week. I do not remember exactly, I do not normally just write when a child has one. I guess the reason it is so hard, I think of what was maybe happening to his litttle body, the cancer taking over, I dont't think it is so much feeling guilty, but such a pity of thoughts towards him, because we did not know and could not do anything to help and protect my little boy. The second fever was the 19th, I guess I did make note of that, we had just had a visit from grandparents. It was so strange how the fevers would come on Thursdays, last a few days and then he was up and going again. With the first two, I didn't even think anything about it. The 3rd one I think I was getting puzzled. With the 4th, I was concerned and sharing with Terry, I think we at least should see our family doctor. Then of course Nov. he did start complaing of his legs hurting and with the 4th fever his eye was swelling. I don't know if we ever mentioned it, but the end of September, he came full speed through the kitchen just as I opened the refrig. door and bam, he hit it. It knocked him down, he cried for awhile and he got a big knot on his head that lasted several days. I was thinking he was bleeding inside his head with the eye swelling. I know I read, talked to people and we had alot of theories, but cancer was not to much in my thinking because his white cell count was always in a good range. I know I am rambling, but I am in replay as to this time last year. We had some big events in Oct. that brings to my mind of a healthy, happy little Joel as he was right in the middle of all the happenings. Oh I miss him!!!!! I think only heaven will heal my heart. God is giving grace, but the emotions of my mommy heart are real today! The beginning of a little soldiers journey... my, how brave he was. He endured alot before he was even diagnosed, the pain, about 30 pills of natural vitimans a day, and not having the energy to keep up with Siah when he was having a fever. I cherish the memories, but they are very painful. As the Lord brings it to your heart, we covet your prayers. We are on the journey of firsts and it is lonely.

Well... I went to the doctor today. My midwife has a back up OB\GYN. I guess I just got to the point of wanting to have all and any available information on our situation. He was very positive and respected our desire in waiting. He said there was no harm in waiting unless of course I did show obvious signs of needing attention. He said the only drawback in waiting is that we would not get pregnant of course until it is all expelled. He said he had one other lady that waited a month longer than us and then decided to have the D&C. Of course most he said go ahead and have the procedure so their bodies can get back in order. He said he wouldn't know how long it could take, 3 months, 6 months or longer. I dont't know how long we will wait, but for now I think I can wait several more weeks or a month. It is very emotional not knowing. Our desire is for more blessings and yet it could be awhile before my womb would be cleansed naturally. For now we will wait and pray the Lord's mercy to cleanse my womb. Thank you for praying on our behalf.
This scripture has come to mind: Habakkuk3:17-19, Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be on the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.
O Lord help my heart to embrace this verse!!!!

A big weekend ahead for Andrew and Bethany. They are taking 4 Boer goats to the Tulsa State Fair to show (of course dad will be taking them) Alot of preparation, work, and energy. They are really looking forward to the opportunity.

Well I "gotta go", the crew just got back with ice-cream to celebrate a good report with the doctor!!!!!!! Your a blessing to us. I wished we could all just sit around and share the Lord's grace and goodness in our lives..... we day!!!!!!!!!
All the pictures above were Oct.1- 16, the green over-alls was Sunday,Oct. 8th, they were all ready for church!!!



Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers. I admire your strength and courage. I just had my second daughter. As I run around the house, tired from being up all night with her and chasing my eighteen month old, I think about you. I am sure you had many of those nights and days like this. I pray for guidance and patience.

Lockwoods said...

Oh, how my heart aches for you as I can only imagine the floods of memories that must be coming to your mind at this time. Know I will be praying for you even more in these months of "firsts" that lay ahead. Remember that our Lord already knows our tomorrows, that His abundant grace is there, and even when our hearts feel so sad and alone, He is just as near. Keep longing for and drawing near to Him.
I've had a hard couple of weeks battling with morning sickness just trying to keep up with the daily chores, meals, and the children. I felt so worn out and began to cry and pray earlier this evening alone in my room. The Lord used your words tonight to remind me of how much I have for which to be grateful and praise Him. My problems suddenly seemed so small in light of your hurting heart. I'm so glad His mercies are new every morning...I too wish we could sit down together sweetly sharing our Lord's amazing faithfulness, fellowshiping together in Him, while our children play together nearby.

Leslie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leslie Cole said...

Those pictures are pictures that you all will always cherish! I can just imagine Joel sitting on the lap of Jesus right now though Mrs. Morris! Imagine the joy he has, the new little boy he is! You and your family have been so strong through this past year and all the Lord has taken you through! Keep sharing posts! They are a blessing and I do enjoy reading them! You are in our prayers still! Blessings!

Luke's Mom said...

Hi Cindy,

I will keep you in my prayers often, this month as I know the pain of losing a child can be extremely hard. Just know that God understands your pain and He is not waiting for it to be done, take your time getting through this mourning period. Joy will come in the morning, it's just that God's mornings are not like man's. His timing is perfect and He will bring His perfect peace.
I'm also praying for you and your husband to have wisdom in knowing exactly how long to wait for things to happen with this little one in your womb. It's comforting to know that God continually tells us to ask for His wisdom and He will give it to us.

Love in Christ,

Christine said...

Continuing to life your family in prayer.

Danielle said...

I will definitely be praying for you. Although I didnt lose a child, I did lose a Mom, and I know the pain is SO much. It's so hard, but through the grace of God, we will get you through this. You have been such an encouragement to me and know that I will be lifting you up in prayer.

Amanda Moody said...

I have been praying for you guys and I have seen Joel's Journey.
I'm really hoping to meet you all someday!