The Beginning...

As the month of October is here, it is hard for my heart. The first fever Joel had was probably in the first week. I do not remember exactly, I do not normally just write when a child has one. I guess the reason it is so hard, I think of what was maybe happening to his litttle body, the cancer taking over, I dont't think it is so much feeling guilty, but such a pity of thoughts towards him, because we did not know and could not do anything to help and protect my little boy. The second fever was the 19th, I guess I did make note of that, we had just had a visit from grandparents. It was so strange how the fevers would come on Thursdays, last a few days and then he was up and going again. With the first two, I didn't even think anything about it. The 3rd one I think I was getting puzzled. With the 4th, I was concerned and sharing with Terry, I think we at least should see our family doctor. Then of course Nov. he did start complaing of his legs hurting and with the 4th fever his eye was swelling. I don't know if we ever mentioned it, but the end of September, he came full speed through the kitchen just as I opened the refrig. door and bam, he hit it. It knocked him down, he cried for awhile and he got a big knot on his head that lasted several days. I was thinking he was bleeding inside his head with the eye swelling. I know I read, talked to people and we had alot of theories, but cancer was not to much in my thinking because his white cell count was always in a good range. I know I am rambling, but I am in replay as to this time last year. We had some big events in Oct. that brings to my mind of a healthy, happy little Joel as he was right in the middle of all the happenings. Oh I miss him!!!!! I think only heaven will heal my heart. God is giving grace, but the emotions of my mommy heart are real today! The beginning of a little soldiers journey... my, how brave he was. He endured alot before he was even diagnosed, the pain, about 30 pills of natural vitimans a day, and not having the energy to keep up with Siah when he was having a fever. I cherish the memories, but they are very painful. As the Lord brings it to your heart, we covet your prayers. We are on the journey of firsts and it is lonely.

Well... I went to the doctor today. My midwife has a back up OB\GYN. I guess I just got to the point of wanting to have all and any available information on our situation. He was very positive and respected our desire in waiting. He said there was no harm in waiting unless of course I did show obvious signs of needing attention. He said the only drawback in waiting is that we would not get pregnant of course until it is all expelled. He said he had one other lady that waited a month longer than us and then decided to have the D&C. Of course most he said go ahead and have the procedure so their bodies can get back in order. He said he wouldn't know how long it could take, 3 months, 6 months or longer. I dont't know how long we will wait, but for now I think I can wait several more weeks or a month. It is very emotional not knowing. Our desire is for more blessings and yet it could be awhile before my womb would be cleansed naturally. For now we will wait and pray the Lord's mercy to cleanse my womb. Thank you for praying on our behalf.

This scripture has come to mind: Habakkuk3:17-19, Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be on the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.

O Lord help my heart to embrace this verse!!!!

A big weekend ahead for Andrew and Bethany. They are taking 4 Boer goats to the Tulsa State Fair to show (of course dad will be taking them) Alot of preparation, work, and energy. They are really looking forward to the opportunity.

Well I "gotta go", the crew just got back with ice-cream to celebrate a good report with the doctor!!!!!!! Your a blessing to us. I wished we could all just sit around and share the Lord's grace and goodness in our lives..... we will......one day!!!!!!!!!

All the pictures above were Oct.1- 16, the green over-alls was Sunday,Oct. 8th, they were all ready for church!!!

~Cindy