it wasn't a dream...

It was a 1:30 appointment, December 4th, 2006. Our 4th visit for what seemingly had turned into routine for us now. A little stick on the finger, and by now the cries had disappeared with just a whence because today there was anticipation of getting 2 stockings of treats. Josiah came along with us. Joel knew the ropes by now and gave Josiah the scoop. "this is where we wait til the nurse calls us back." A toy train ran along a train track held by chains above our heads that kept them occupied. "Joel Morris," the nurse said ever so cheerfully. What incredible gifts these women have with the children. To love though they were not their own. I always held him in my lap, we turned our heads away and then it was done. A cute bandaid and then the big decision by two 3 yo twins, which stocking to pick. I can see their minds twirling, was one overly stuffed with more treats, what was hanging out the top? Finally, choices were made and smiles broke across their little faces! Routine was to visit with the Dr. briefly to just look over the numbers of the blood work. All four of us squeezed in to a small room, a blank desk and two chairs. I held Joel and we were investigating his stocking. Terry walked a few steps down the hall to take Josiah to the bathroom. Alone holding Joel, the Dr. sat, looked at papers, asked a few questions, and again i pointed out the bumps on Joels head. He swiftly left the room, came back and said, " joel needs to be admitted with extensive testing in the morning." The flush of the toilet echoed down the hall, kinda like what was happening to our little world now. Terry and Josiah now stood in the doorway, I gave him the info and we waited. How could a routine and stockings and our afternoon plans change
so quickly? 1:30 turned to 2:30, then 3:30 then by 5:00 we had walked only a few steps down a hallwayand turned a curve and was settling into a hospital room. ""is it life threatening?" A concerned, stiff face said," it could be." phone calls, tears, trying to explain, trying to keep two 3 year olds occupied in what felt like a cold dreary hospital room, had a grip on me that held back the screams and jolts I wanted to let out! Soon, big brothers came to get healthy little brother, suitcases were brought filled with what we
longed for, "home." Finally, and from
sheer exhaustion Terry, Joel and I went to sleep that night with prayers, cries and pleadings..... "please oh God, spare Joel's life!" ....... only to awaken and no, it wasn't a dream but to (besides the day he died) the hardest day of my life. Rigerous tests and picking him up off a table where he lay lifeless from sedation and holding him and wanting this bad dream to go away....only it didn't.

Some dear friends that Terry worked with after Joel's death bought us a red bud tree. It's planted in our front yard. It's just something that I can see and enjoy and be reminded that Joel is living right now. Just not in this world. While out shopping, I saw some little Christmas trees with the roots in a bucket, like the kind you plant! I bought one. Joel has a
Spring tree, now he has a winter tree. I have it in the house now for cheering us up and with happy cheer-eeee lights on it but when the season is over, we are going to plant the tree in the backyard! I need reminders everyday still that His plans are good and right. One day I will show you a photo when I didnt believe His
plans were good and right. Everyday I have to keep asking for grace to trust his plan for Joels life. I miss him!

.......if you have a 3 year old, give him/her a hug from me today.