lets go over it again..........

*** I know many of you have seen Joel's Journey DVD, but just for info, if you have not and would like to, the Home school Channel is showing it throughout this week and here is the link for the schedule ***** and here is the link to the channel One viewing will be tonight at 6:30 pm central time.


Ok, lets go over it again........ here is a chronology;

Jan. 07 - Joel died
Year of 07- grieving hell, angry, disappointed, sad/mad at my own family or taking my grief out on them, very tough year to say the least!!!
Year 08- grieving with emotion, beginning of Jan, God through the Holy Spirits work brought me to the place of acceptance, of trusting His plan and that it was a perfect plan, it was also the most emotional year. Crying at every thing that could have related to Joel, a passy, the swing set, a bush outside, stores I went in to, toys, clothes, food ect......
Year 09- grieving with a seeking heart, immersing my self in truth like I have never done before
Year 2010- grieving with anticipation of when I will see Joel again, peace.

Something is really bugging me! In the course of this last year especially, I have sought and wanted this blog to be a ministry to people that have experienced a toddler/small child death. I want to give back like it says in the scripture, Who comforteth us in our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God. And as it says in verse 6, Cor. in my afflictions, it brings consolation to others that are beginning the journey of cancer/illness with a small child or like us ending a journey with a small child, and our afflictions/trials work effectually in the enduring of the same sufferings that they are in.Verse 7, says that our hope of you is steadfast. I have desired to focus on sharing with others of the hope that Christ has given me. But let me say real quick, I AM STILL GRIEVING, I WILL ALWAYS BE GRIEVING, I AM NOT DONE GRIEVING!!!!! I have re-read to make sure this is not a "me" thing of many mothers that have lost a small child in the last 3 years and even longer and their journal entries are many times, much heavier and sadder than mine, BUT THEY ARE STILL GRIEVING too even after all these years! The thing that really bugs me is the fact that some people who have never experienced a small child death seem to have ideas you get over this say in a certain amount of time and you should return to what you use to be like. I am not the same me! I will not be like "me" as when Joel was here, I can not even explain it, its just fact! I have had people say or think that I act different maybe in person verses what I write. There is something that you should probably know about me, I write out my feeling, thoughts, emotions, hurts, easier than sitting down and telling you. You can ask anyone in my family, I tend to not share my self, heart, thoughts, feelings easily in person. Writing has been a huge release of grieving for me. All this to say if you want to know how I am doing, don't expect me to necessarily "tell" you all this I am writing. You will likely have to read about it here if you want to know. This is just the way "I" do it, share that is all that I am going through. I know of some moms that enjoy speaking it instead of writing but each one has unique ways of grieving. So I am not here to please people in the way I grieve, I am here to hopefully encourage others that come behind me that are placed on this journey by a Providential Hand. I do not plan on rising to your expectations of "getting over this." I will though by His grace walk through this and it is a walk that lasts a lifetime. I will never forget the scripture that God gave me, "length of days understanding." Time will not heal but through the length of days of being away from Joel, I will grow in understanding of HIM as I keep in the Word! So if you feel at arms length and you want to know more of me, just read here on this blog. There are days that are heavier than others, every August through Jan. is heavy with memories, last birthday, fevers, Dr. visits. But ya know what?...... everyday is a grace filled day because I ask for grace everyday to get through it with out Joel here with our family. Whatever I write, whether its hope writing or baring my sorrows, my main goal is to tell others that God is Faithful and His Word is personal to our every need, hurt, longing, direction, joy, sorrow, for all of life! Thank you for letting me "write" about me, Joel, sorrow and hope!

I don't even know if I can re-cap our lives! WOW!! I must say I will have to get a calendar to recollect......my eye problem I had last week is doing great, almost gone, Anna had a tooth pulled, I had to get my ear de-waxed or rather flushed out, grocery day last Friday, Oh and Anna's party last Thursday was a fun night for sure! We had some friends over for Meteor watching and we all laid on the trampoline til 1 am, they left and we then watched "the lion, the witch and the wardrobe," movie, we went swimming at a friends house last Thursday, we had company over the weekend with a super neat family, some of them went to motor cross racing, and then Sunday eve, Dave and Kate had many families over for dinner for a "u don't know its Dave's birthday party!!" And now we are up to date with today, Monday and it was filled with getting the guys off this morning, going to Bass Pro, picking Micah up from work, making tacos, and cuttin a hugemongus watermelon!! But thats not all, the big girls, Micah and Andrew went to play basketball at a park with some friends!!! Hopefully now its getting to the end of the day.....oops can't forget my cup of decaf. coffee!!!

I love writing to you all......

............thank you so much for reading!


Oh, one more thing a suprise.....remember bout 4-6 weeks ago, I said I would show you something......Lord willing Wednesday is the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!