Joel's Journey: Privelege Agony......

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Privelege Agony......

I have two words that describe perfectly this trail......." Privilege Agony." It encompasses both aspects of what I feel. Yes there are so many privileges, I am privileged to be Joel's mommy, to have him here with us 3 years, 4 months and 10 days, I am privileged to have had a wonderful preg and home birth, to have so many sweet memories of him as he enjoyed his family and farm, but also I am privileged to be able to give back my "alabaster box," that which is so precious, to the One who is worthy. The agonies still exist, the tears, the pain in my heart of missing him, of everyday when I see Josiah doing this or that, knowing Joel would be right there doing it too! Thank you Lord for the priveleges and have mercy upon the agony.

Mercy's 3rd birthday is next week, the 19th and Andrew's 13th birthday is on the 21st. I do have some ideas so that is a relief. Somewhere amidst 13 childrens birthdays you have to overlap on ideas and I am going to borrow from Joel and Josiah's first birthday for Mercy....A "Farm Baby Party!" Since we are getting our chicks this week and suppose to have baby goats in a few days and it just seems like a Mercy party, we'll go with it!! I have to tell you I have so many thoughts and feelings as she gets closer to her 3rd BD, Lord willing. I am ever so thrilled and thankful to get to do a 3 year old again, I think the age 3 is my favorite, I love the ability they have to communicate and still the needing of mommy! I love the personality and expressions that come with the talk and telling of play and adventures they have, I love the way they can now communicate love to others. Mercy was laying in the bed with me the other night and I told her "I loved her sooo much," I was trying to communicate to her "how much," and so she did the same with me, her biggness of expression of love was, " I love you 2 1/2!!!" I feel so blessed to be able to hold and touch a 3 year old again, it will bring sweet and tender memories of a three year old litle boy. I am having such vivid memories of Joel and Josiah's 3rd birthday, it was so perfect, we were a big happy family,( still are) Joel, so happy and healthy, not a trace of anything, to think in about 3 weeks after his birthday the unknown fevers began and then all that came after. Life can change in a matter of seconds. I am just "feeling" the 3rd year of Joel through Mercy's approaching birthday and its a happy and sad feeling. Always needing His grace in the joys and in the sorrow.

It's late/early isn't it? I got up to check the weather and make sure it was just thundertorms and not tornadoes!!

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Joel's Story

Joel, our 11th of 13 and a twin of Josiah, at age 3 was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a childhood cancer, on December 6th, 2006. Joel had three perfect years of health and he and Josiah celebrated their 3rd birthday Sept. 13th, 2006. The first of Oct. Joel started having unexplained fevers for a few days and would return to active play. After the fourth round of fevers we took him to our family Dr. which they said his iron was low, so we treated that for a few weeks and took him back only to have his hemo. showing lower than before. We were referred to a hematologists and saw him a few weeks with blood checks twice a week. At a visit on Dec. 4th we showed the Dr. the bumps, (which were tumors but we did not know at the time) on Joel's head and he was very concerned and we were told we needed to admit him immediately and start extensive tests the following day. Joel went through rigorous testing and then the dreaded results were given. Joel was at a stage IV the most extensive stage, but we were hopeful that the Lord would use the means of Chemotherapy treatments to restore Joel's body. Joel endured 8 1/2 days in the hospital, came home for Christmas, and returned for his second round of chemo Jan. 3, 2007. Joel had a seizure that night after midnight and went into a coma due to a tumor bleeding in his head area and causing his brain to swell. After tests the following days, the Dr. declared Joel "brain dead" and took us to court to force us to take Joel off life support, as we did not agree with the medical field's definition of death. Our family sought to stand with the scripture, "life is in the blood,"and until Joel's heart quit beating naturally, he was living. We were making arrangements to bring him home and on January 23, 2007 his little heart stopped beating and he went to be with the Lord Jesus in heaven. Our lives are changed forever. God is faithful in the midst of this trial and we look with great hope to be with him someday.