Renewed Mind......

........like I said the rest and I KNOW there were some praying for me late last night and that combined has helped and refreshed my perspective, but mostly this morning Jesus shewed himself again to the disciples at the sea...John 21:1. I was so very thirsty to hear something from the Lord and his word "tasted so good today." .....they caught nothing v.3, this is the "feelings" I have often, But when the morning was now come, Jesus stood on the shore:but the disciples knew not it was Jesus v.4, He is here even IF I do not feel it!!! Then Jesus saith unto them, children, have ye any meat? they answered him, No (v.5) That is my answer too, "No," I do not seem to be getting anything out of this!!!! But what do I do?? Answer.... And he said unto them, cast the net on the right side of the ship and ye shall find v.6 I am going to keep praying, seeking, listening, looking, expecting, hoping and believing and I am going to find..... peace, comfort and whatever the Lord wants to tell me of the "whys." I am going to keep coming to his table, Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine v.12. The part that I really was blessed by was in v.18, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, when thou wast young, thou girdest thyself and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee and carry thee wither thou wouldest not. The first part of that verse made me think of life before Joel became sick and the second part gave me a picture of life without Joel, He will carry me! That is what I am picturing myself doing, lifting up my hands as a demonstration that I am desperate and trusting that he will gird me up and carry me, and it will be in and through ways that I would not choose but as it says in v.19, this spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God, the way will be one of which glorifies Him, he saith unto him, Follow me....... by his grace only, I will! Thank you for praying, thank you for the encouragement, its just a long road but I am going to keep moving forward. I am not the only person hurting, there are so many, keep praying for little Marissa, I do not know them, I am just praying for them as you came and prayed for our family with Joel. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marissamonroe

Bethany and Anna had to take the new bull calf to the vet this morning, he has fever, and an infection of some sort that he likely got through his navel because he did not absorb the colostrum, so he might not make it, very sad for the children. The vet will do what he can.

Today.....we'll just be around here, I need to plan my grocery day tomorrow and really need to do some school work. Not alot happening!

Thank you for being there....

Cindy

The Good, The Bad , The Ugly !!!

The good...... the guys made it safely to their job site and are working away, we have a rental car in case we need transportation, we had a great time at the farmers market on Saturday, they sold all the green beans and more if we had had them, they brought home some of the potatoes and onions (maybe 10-15 # each) our friend David gave the family Photoshop, Bethany is very excited about that!! and the Burnett family is going to come visit us on Thursday!!!

The bad......the van has engine problems, we do not know the depth of it yet:( , now my vacuum broke (so what) and we are kinda bored with all the fellows gone.....

The ugly.......Me, my heart, my attitude.....sometimes I am at a loss for words, sometimes I don't feel like writing simply because, how many times do I repeat myself, I even get tired of reading my own words, I get tired of staring at this grief, I wish I did not even ever have to have this blog to give out info on how Joel was doing, I wish I was not on this journey, I wish I had that "whole feeling," I wish my heart was not broken.....but even in this ugly stuff I am trying to have hope, I am trying to believe, I am praying and begging the Lord to make something beautiful out of this cross. I am trying to hope because I have read these scriptures.....Thou shalt see now whether My word shall come to pass unto thee or not (Num. 11:23) Thus saith the Lord; refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded v.17 And there is hope in thine end (Jer31 16-17) but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit (Jhn 12:24 and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit (Jhn 15:2)...but I have chosen you and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit (Jhn 15:16) There are many more, these are ones I have read just lately. To be honest I find it hard to believe, my feelings are bigger than my faith right now and I feel disappointed with the Lord, I want to "see" something, I do not think I have come out a better person through this, I really feel like I am more unkind, less patient, my joy has sure gone, so what has all this done for me?? I want to get to the places the Lord wants me to be at, but HOW??????? Right now I am an ugly mess!!! I am not going to pretend to be something I am not for now, I feel like I am in a great battle with the enemy and I am getting beat. I know things in my head, I just can not seem to carry out the battle plan. I have got to soak myself with the truth, my ears are hearing things about the Lord that is not true and I have not stood against it, I have certainly let my feelings feed on these lies. It's late now, I could not write earlier, the children were having fun, but I could not think, and now I am probably too tired to continue, so I'll get to bed and hopefully rest with thoughts on the truth and be renewed in my mind tomorrow!!!

May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you....goodnight!!!

Cindy

To Market,To Market......

What a harvest!!!!!! Tomorrow Terry and some of the children are going to the Farmers Market in Guthrie to sell potatoes, green beans, onions and Goat Milk Soap. It is from 9:00 am til 2:00 pm, so come on over and see what we have!!!( its across from the Blue Jays football stadium) In 14 years of gardening, this is the best year yet!! Estimates of the picking this evening were , 160 pounds pf potatoes, 50 pounds of onions, and about 50 pounds of green beans. We are grateful to the Lord for the bountiful harvest and answering prayer. On one potato plant, they picked off 17 potatoes. From the pictures of the potatoes, that was only from 2 1/2 rows! Whatever they do not sell tomorrow of the green beans, I guess I'll have to get the canner out. Several years ago, we had a lot of beans too and ended up canning about 160 quarts, I do not think we'll beat that this year. A lot of work was given planting all those seeds from many "little people." Terry is going to reward their work with some money from the sales tomorrow. While Terry and the children are there at the market, Bethany,Caleb and Daniel are heading to the airport to pick up two Nubian babies, these are from Minnesota. Besides having another one due in a few weeks, this will be it for the babies this year!!

On Sunday we are having another home church fellowship join us, so we are expecting about 60 folks. It will nice to visit with dear friends and worship together!! I think I will fix some green beans and potatoes :) Tomorrow we have got a lot to do in preparation for that as well.

Next week the guys are back to Watonga to help the owner put up the trusses and roof on the house they built with the Build Block. Since our van is in the hospital, they said they were going to rent a little car, so we would not be here without transportation. I was glad to know that. Also I can go grocery shopping and "wiz" around in it!! Ok, for Mandy....the BBQ meatballs are easy, I really just have it in my head, so here goes, about 3 # of meat, 2 eggs, 1/4 c. whipping creme, 1/2 c. bread crumbs, 1 tsp of the following, garlic powder, basil, 1/2 tsp salt, pepper,onion powder, roll into balls, cook 350 for 30-40 min. until no pink, and then we looked up the homemade sauce on-line, or you could use prepared BBQ sauce. Nothing hard about those!

This week has been a hard week for my heart, I just miss him!! I won't spill all that now, but I have shed a lot of tears behind the scenes this week! There is no other option, but to keep going and I will by his grace.

We had a scare this evening, some were playing volley ball and I was swinging Mercy, when we hear some one screaming....Josiah was on the fence by the cows with their new calves and they are very aggressive, one of the cows was butting the fence and Siah, Joshua ran over and rescued him, he could not get down. I can hardly take these moments, my heart and my legs became so weak. We were so grateful the Lord protected him and that he did not fall into the pen, as they would have likely stomped him.

If the Lord brings it to your mind pray for a little girl, Marissa, she'll be 3 in July, she was diagnosed in Nov.06 with Neuroblastoma, a month before Joel, and she has fought this horrible disease for about a year and a half. The top outward signs are unexplained fever, "raccoon eyes," (black eyes or eye), limb pains, distended abdomen. She displayed the raccoon eyes and Joel the fevers and it seems to come just overnight. They are bringing her home on hospice, as they have done all they can. Now she will fight the last enemy...death. What a monstrous disease as it rages through these little bodies and what a picture parents have left in their minds as their children suffer. Much of the time the children are on such high pain meds, they have loss of appetite, and their little forms just wither away.... pray for this family as they have to endure this site......

This is kinda dull, maybe because thats how I "feel," thank you to those that continue to pray for me.

Have a great Saturday with your family!!

Cindy

Part 2....How We Do It !!!!!

Three cheers for John D........hooraahhhhhh!!!! And for the Lord for making John D's heart sensitive to the Lord. The truck has been resurrected!!!!! It is suppose to be delivered to their job site and they will bring it home. While it has come back to life the van is dead now, but we are hoping it too can be fixed. We are certainly thankful that at least one is working!!!! Vehicle troubles are just apart of life and it is way to temporal to let it bog you down. We are saving gas money with only one running anyway!!!

As some have made comments about life with "little ones," I am somewhat struggling with having the opportunity of the being the "older woman" teaching the younger women, because I still have one in diapers and since my body is still working, I am really hoping one more might come our way. I guess I just need view it as "getting" the opportunity to fulfill the scripture. Thinking back to our early days when Caleb, Daniel, Bethany, Elijah and Anna were small, and yes the babies were coming quickly, there were overwhelming times but what incredible times we had, so please hang on, you have so much to look forward to in the help that is on its way. I am somewhat on the other side now and am reaping the wonderful blessing of having so much help. I want to give credit where credit is due. I really did not have a mentor that I talked with when we started out, but there was one family that was on staff with Terry at the church we were at in Arkansas that was of great influence to me, the Stinson family. I did not sit down and ask or talk with the lovely wife specifically about child rearing, I learned by observing their sweet family. They were different in their dress, seeking to dress modestly, adorning themselves to bring glory to the Lord for the woman and little girls that the Lord had created them to be. The children demonstrated obedience with eye contact with their parents, they were respectful with "yes sir and no sir," they had good manners and were a delight to be around. If the parents had a need to discipline them, they took them aside and took care of the situation, another idea that these parents instilled in to their children was the fear of the Lord, they taught this to them daily, that the eye of the Lord is upon them, beholding the good and the evil, they also taught their children to have a work ethic even at a small age. So it is from this family that I draw from, we have been blessed by there diligence in going before us and being an example. Thank you Bill and Mary, we love you!!!!! Of course Terry is one to search out the scriptures when there is an answer needed. We have sought to discipline our children with the "rod of correction." We use some sort of object and not our hand and seeing that the Lord designed a most padded area on the body, the discipline is applied to that area, seeking not to injure their precious bodies. There was a time that I disciplined with an angry spirit and a scripture I read in Heb 12:10 For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure, but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. As I read that I saw that I was disciplining out of anger because I wanted my children to not embarrass me with how they would act, so I would get angry with them, I was disciplining them of my own pleasure, but what I needed to do was discipline them with the motive that I wanted them to be a partaker of HIS holiness. The Lord has brought me through that season and I fear now I might tend to be more lax, but with his grace they will come forth as bright arrows for his kingdom. I do like to share with them during the discipline time the principles involved that they have violated to help bring that healthy fear of the Lord upon them. I see young mommies now and they are doing such a great job, expanding even more that Terry and I. I wish even now I would have done some of the things they are implementing. So you see we are always learning. There are no perfect parents or children, its grace and prayer and Terry's famous phrase is "whip and pray and pray and whip." I sure hope you all understand it is scriptural to give biblical discipline to a child, plenty of scriptures to confirm that action!! And most importantly affirm that child in love, hugs and kisses that has received the discipline! Along the lines of what can a little one do, teaching a work ethic is the most important idea when they are small and then being alert to what they can handle. Share with them scriptures that talk about work and instill that truth into their little hearts. Josiah, (4) he cleans up the boys room with Jeremiah each morning, he puts the utensils away in the dishwasher, he and Hosanna fold all the kitchen towels, and bathroom hand towels and washcloths, and today on our cleaning day, he took the vacuum and hose and vacuumed around all the facings in each room, he cleans and straightens his clothes shelf, those are things he can do at his age. They might not fold the clothes perfectly, but its clean and on the shelf, I got over perfectly folded clothes along time ago. Before Joel became sick in Oct. 06, I ran a very tight ship, for now we are still trying to recover in many areas in schedule and getting back to some of the routines that we had before, or else all new ones. School has been the biggest challenge for me right now, as I am just not motivated to be the teacher, so we are functioning on the minimals. Lord willing this fall we can get back to full schedule and I can be "fun." I do want to give to the younger ones what I gave to the older ones, but it has been hard. Its like I am dragging my heels, but hopefully things will smooth out! One thing that we try to do in the evenings and it takes purpose, Terry leads in a family time together around the Word, reading and discussing and having a prayer time together, we call it "Wisdom Time." Last night Hosanna was excited to read because she wanted to find out what happened to Esther, as that is the book he has been reading in the evenings now. On Sunday evenings we call it doctrine night and Terry seeks to read Spurgeon and teach about Biblical doctrines. Some have asked how do you get the children to sit in church? It takes time training at home in these evening sessions with the family, it takes going in and out of the service many times to discipline, but finally they get it. Our poor Andrew, had it the worst.....he finally figured it out, but he was hard!!!! I guess one of my great hopes is in all the areas that we have failed or could have done more or differently, my desire is that our children will go beyond what we did and carry the banner higher and forge deeper and reap greater results than ourselves. What joys to look forward to. Thank you for the inquiries, it has made me think of what things the Lord has done in the past, his faithfulness, and it has helped me to think of something else besides my grieving. I have enjoyed the questions, you have ministered to me by allowing me the opportunity to "remember." I will be happy to answer any more as best I can.

We are waiting for the guys to get home, we had a yummy supper, garden red potatoes with sugar snap peas, BBQ meatball, Bethany's homemade rolls and taboli and Anna made cookies that look like they are fit for a birthday!!!

Hi, Burnett family, in Mexico visiting and working....we miss you and can not wait to see you and hear all the stories. You better put us on you calender soon to come over for a visit!!!!! I love you "shrub," my dear friend Mrs. B!!!!!!!!!! You can not believe I wrote that can you? :)))))))))

I love being a mommy and wife, I love the wonderful times we have had and look forward to what the Lord will do for us in the future!!!!!! I love you...... my family!!!!

Cindy

How We Do It !!!!!

Its little phrases like and he must needs go through Samaria( John 4) that keep my head above the water. Jesus even had "appointments," places he must travel through. They could not be avoided, his Fathers hand was in it! There was a work to be done in Samaria, the woman at the well needed the living water. Likewise, we must needs go through this trial, maybe not only for us but for others. I do not know why even as yet.....I long to see some of the good, but I just might have to wait it out. Like I have said before and I will say again, its like a person that has had a limb amputated, that person is not the same, is not totally whole, but they learn to "adapt" to the new body. I think I will be learning to adapt the rest of my life. Just a small moment can bring a wave, like this morning I walked outside and it was like I felt I had been here before, in that moment. A very hot summer morning...I go out to take a walk....soon two little boys come busting out the door eager for the day. It was like I could see it all before me, because it did happen one morning. Sometimes those moments can darken my whole day, I have to make a choice to keep going on for the sake of the rest, but sometimes I just do not want to, I want to hide and stay in my little world. I too ask the question that Simon Peter asked "to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life." I have no other place to go, the Lord has the words I need, He has words that speak of eternity where apart of me now resides so I must keep on.....

Of course a larger family always is an "attention getter," many questions have come our way, along with statements that we have to be creative and give an answer that would edify the Lord because "they" are not happy with the direction we have chosen. Sometimes I want to let them have it and say, "well why should it bother you, your not feeding them, your not out any money."Overall we have had encouraging words. My thought is, the more children, the more help!!!! Most of the questions pertain to how does it all work? And the answer is DELEGATE!!!! I came to that conclusion after learning the hard way of wearing myself out trying to do it all myself. I know there is that season where we mommies find ourselves doing everything because the children are so small, so for that my thoughts would be to spread the duties out that you have to do throughout the week, such as washing, cleaning, maybe have certain days you do school instead of everyday, seek to train the ones that are capable of small jobs, just keep it all on a small scale, soon the reaping will come with helpers. For our family there are chores that we do everyday, general clean up and each has there assigned duties, certain ones clean the living room, kitchen, etc, Anna does all the laundry and we have "folders." Bethany is in charge of lunch and another clean up. There are outside chores with all the animals and they follow through with those. When there is lack of motivation and responsibility then there is discipline or more responsibilities given. Also one day a week we have a cleaning day that we do some hard cleaning and all those chores are divided up amongst the ones that are here. Thankful to the Lord, and since we have lived out were work is demanded, there has really not been another option for them to choose. I still deal with whines and not doing it right when I say and the old favorite" I forgot," but over all, they do well. I certainly do not have all the answers, mostly I have just done what works for us, I am not a big reader on how to, I just see what needs to be done and give the instructions and expect it, I am probably more like a drill sergeant and Terry has more mercy than I, but I guess that is where the balance comes in!!! As for meals, I have to make a menu and I shop every two weeks, I make a list of what is needed for the menu and try to stick with what is on it, unless I come across special buys. I like one dish meals more, like lasagna, salad and Bethany's homemade french bread. We are eating a lot out of the garden now, so that helps the budget too. We try to eat pretty healthy, there is always room for improvement. We try to stick with using wheat flour we grind ourselves, succanat instead of refined sugar, and I rarely buy prepared foods, sometimes pizzas for Sunday night. Lunches are usually leftovers, Peanut butter and jelly, fruit , vegetables, grilled cheese, and sometimes Bethany makes homemade pizza. About school, I generally do not start anything formal until they are about 6. As I said before the curriculum that we use is the Advanced Training Institute with Mr. Bill Gothard and it is conducive to all ages, along with the Wisdom booklets that they put out we do Saxon math on the side and we use their phonics program. I have never tried all kinds of different things due to resources. We have been doing this same stuff for the whole 14 years of homeschooling. It works for us. I do get bogged down at times wondering how are they ever going to "get it," but really if they can just learn the basics, reading, writing, math then that will be the road to higher learning because they can seek out info on their own. Caleb and Daniel survived and I saw some things they wrote via e-mails and was quite impressed, they learned a lot by reading as they were avid readers and listeners when they were younger and they have learned by being around adults and not peers. Like I tell mommies about potty training, "they will eventually get it." Why torture myself when it will just come!!!! I know with Caleb and Daniel they were trained at 18 months, it was so exciting for all the firsts but I did not have anything else to do:) For sure since Joel's illness, my perspective has changed so much, seek to enjoy the children "things and laundry" can wait, have fun and make memories!!! I know this is all pretty general info, and it is nothing profound by any means but maybe it will give a start and jog some of your own thoughts. I will be glad to try to answer any specific questions you might have about the Morris house if you like. The thing to NOT do is compare ourselves with others, as it is not wise the scripture says, just do for your family and trust the Lord for the harvest!! We are all in the same boat, keep paddling!!!!!!

The guys are working hard, again thankful for jobs!!! The truck is suppose to be done soon, they have been driving the van, which we pray will last til the truck gets done...engine problems, and you will not believe this, Saturday, our dryer caught on fire, we are so thankful that once again the Lord allowed us to be at the right place at the right time!!! The good thing is, someone had given us a maytag awhile back so we just changed it out!! All these seemingly difficulties, which are nothing comparable to past difficulties, God is ordering all of them, and can trust he has plans beyond sight along with character that is being built in us!!! Uh....oooooooo...... recieved phone call, the van is billowing smoke, Terry just called to get a # to get a ride home from the job site:( Maybe the yummy hamburgers we are having tonight will cheer the guys up!!!!!!!!

May the Lord bless each home!!!!

Cindy